Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Monica

[to the adoption lady] We're so glad you're here. We're really excited about getting this process started.

Chandler

Because we love kids. Love them to death. Well, not actually to death. That's just a figure of speech. We love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.

Chandler

Look! Look what the-Look what the floating heads did!

Monica

I don't care.

Chandler

What's going on?

Monica

That was the adoption agency.

Chandler

And?

Monica

We're getting a baby!

Chandler

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! [They embrace]

Chandler

We don't feel we can host Thanksgiving this year.

Joey

What?

Ross

Are you kidding?

Chandler

Well, just with work and the stress of adoption we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us.

Ross

That doesn't sound like you. That's Monica talking!

Chandler

No, no, we made this decision together.

Ross

She's putting words in your mouth!

Joey

Don't you put words in people's mouths. You put turkey in people's mouths.

Monica

Mmmm...this cake is amazing!

Rachel

[repulsed] Get a room!

Monica

I would get a room with this cake. I could show this cake a good time!

Phoebe

If you had to, what would you give up? Food or sex?

Monica

[quickly] Sex.

Chandler

[unimpressed] Seriously, answer faster!

Monica

I'm sorry! When she said sex I wasn't thinking about sex with you!

Chandler

[still feeling hurt] It's like a giant hug!

Phoebe

Ross, how about you? Which would you give up? Sex or food?

Ross

[quickly] Food!

Phoebe

How about sex or dinosaurs?

Ross

[in a state of uncertainty] My...! It's like Sophie's Choice!

Rachel

What about you Joe? What would you give up? Sex or food?

Joey

[after thinking] I don't know, it's too hard!

Rachel

No, you have to pick one!

Joey

[quickly] Food! No, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Sex...I don't know, I want both! I want girls on bread!

Monica

So, what'd you think of the house?

Chandler

It's perfect! It's everything we've been looking for!

Monica

Isn't it? And what about the amazing wainscoting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?

Chandler

And the wigglewoms and the zipzorps?... What were the things you said?

Ross

We think Chandler might be having an affair.

Monica

What?

Rachel

Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street, and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.

Phoebe

They went in together. I'm so sorry.

Monica

Oh, my... oh, my, that's awful... What did you think of the house?

Phoebe

What?

Joey

Monica, you understand what we're saying, right?

Monica

Yeah... sure... I'm... devastated, obviously!... Did you think the neighborhood was homey?

Chandler

Hey!

Joey

You son of a bitch.

Chandler

Is it me, or have the greetings really gone downhill around here?

Chandler

Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?

Ross

Well, then, who was on my bed?

Monica

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ross

[pause, then it hits] No! No! No!

Monica

Yes!

Ross

You were under the pile of coats?

Monica

I was the pile of coats!

Ross

Oh my...!

Monica

You were my midnight mystery kisser?

Ross

You were my first kiss with Rachel?

Monica

You were my first kiss ever?

Chandler

What did I marry into?

Chandler

[When he finds out he won't be in the wedding] I can't believe this it's like figure skating team all over again. I mean synchronized swimming, I mean the balance beam - help me!

Ross

Football!

Chandler

Thank you!

Ross

Well, if Phoebe's choosing, then say hello to Mike's next groomsman.

Chandler

Oh, I will! But I will need a mirror... as he is me!

Chandler

I know. I hate being left out of things.

Ross

I know. And it's a wedding. It'll be weird if I'm not in it.

Chandler

Aren't you going to be cold?

Phoebe

No, I'll be my something blue.

Ross

[to Rachel] So, if you take this job you'll be moving to Paris?

Chandler

Or facing a bitch of a commute.

Chandler

Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and [imitates Janice's voice] "Oh... My... God"!

Monica

If we don't get this house, she's still going to show up wherever we go! At least if she's here, it eliminates the element of surprise. Never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body!

You do know it's twins, right?

Chandler

Oh, yeah. These are the faces of two people in the know!

Chandler

What do we do?

Monica

What do you mean "what do we do"?

Chandler

Twins! Twins!

Monica

Chandler, you're panicking.

Chandler

Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?