Father Ted quotes from Father Ted

Father Ted

I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas...priests... More drink! (All cheer)

Father Ted

...I can explain everything! [beat] Actually, no, I can't.

Father Ted

There was a time when the police in this country were friends of the church; speeding tickets torn up, drunk driving charges quashed, even a blind eye turned to the odd murder!

Father Ted

Last year, Dick made me photocopy my own rear end. They never let me in that library again.

Father Ted

More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal.

Father Ted

I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.

Father Ted

[to Father Jack, scaring him] FECK OFF!!

Father Ted

The way I feel now...I could convert gays!

Father Ted

Father Bigley, I want you on point.

Father Dougal

Our Father, who art in heaven...

Father Ted

(sternly) Hallowed.

Father Dougal

Hallowed be thy..

Father Ted

Name!

Father Dougal

Papa don't preach...

Father Ted

Dougal, you know you can praise God in other ways.

Father Dougal

Oh yeah, like that time you told me I could praise him just by leaving the room.

Father Ted

Yes, that was a good one all right.

Father Dougal

Knock, knock!

Father Ted

Who's there?

Father Dougal

Father Dougal McGuire.

Father Ted

Good night Dougal!

Father Ted

Yes, Tom?

Tom

I've killed a man.

Father Ted

(nonchalantly) Did you, Tom? I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm going to do an interview for the television!

Father Dougal

They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this oul fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times.

Father Ted

How old was he?

Father Dougal

I'd say he was about 80.

Father Ted

And how long were you up on him?

Father Dougal

About an hour?

Father Ted

So you were up on an 80-year-old man's back for 60 minutes, whipping him around the place. Do you realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

Father Ted

Er.. Dougal? There's some shaving cream just there (points to his own face)

Father Dougal

No there's not Ted. No. You're grand.

Father Ted

No. On You.

Father Dougal

Where exactly Ted?

Father Ted

Dougal it's all over the place.

Father Dougal

How on earth did all that get there? I didn't even shave this morning! (Towels face)

Father Dougal

They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this ol' fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times.

Father Ted

How old was he?

Father Dougal

I'd say he was about 80.

Father Ted

And how long were you up on him?

Father Dougal

About an hour?

Father Ted

So you were up on an 80-year-old man's back for 60 minutes, whipping him around the place. Do you realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?