[sees a car speeding straight for Brian] Brian, look out! [the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net in the process] Aah, Brian! [runs to him]
[runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg and saw Brian hurt] Oh, my God! [runs to him] Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!
Holy crap! What the hell happened?!
SSquirrel
[runs to Brian, kicks his head, and spits] That guy sucked! [runs away, cuts to Quahog Vet]
Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?
I don’t know, Meg. But this is the best veterinary in Quahog. Brian’s getting the fine care there is.
You have to share an ambulance with a chicken.
[to Chicken] Hey, Um, aren't you supposed to be running around?
CChicken
[to Peter] Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community.
Doctor, how is Brian? Is he gonna be okay?
VVeterinarian
[sadly] I'm so sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but Brian's injuries are just too severe for us to save him. I don't know how much longer he has, but I suggest that you all go in and say your good-byes. [The Griffin family are shocked in horror to the Veterinarian, they walk to Brian’s deathbed]
[tearfully] Oh, my God! Brian, no!
[tearfully] I can't believe it. Y-You're really...
[tearfully] Damn it, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together. We were gonna become windsurfers. I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good! [Brian wakes up; groans softly]
You guys, I think, I think Brian's trying to say something!
BBrian
You... you've given me a wonderful life. I love you all. [smiles before finally passing away, to the family's horror. The veterinarian checks his heartbeat. Nothing.]
VVeterinarian
[sadly] I'm sorry. He's gone.
[tearfully] Oh, my god... He's...
[tearfully] Yes, Chris. I'm afraid... I'm afraid our Brian is dead!
BBrian
Damn it, Stewie! What the hell did you do?!
I know, I know, I messed up.
BBrian
[Mocks] "I messed up!" [Normal voice] You went back to 17th-century Jamestown and you gave guns to the Indians. And now they're running everything!
I said I messed up, all right?! I guess I just have this pathological need to be liked.
BBrian
Well, it's not a good trait.
Oh, come on. Don't say that. Let me buy you lunch.
BBrian
Thanks to you, the Indians killed all the white people and took over America! I mean, you're the one who's always saying "never alter the past".
Oh, come on, Brian, let's be honest. I frequently alter the past.
[Cutaway to Jesus and the 12 apostles. Jesus is reading a paper]
All right, so, I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways?
Hey, Judas, he ordered like 5 margaritas. All you had was a salad.
[comes from the future and sees Brian on the street. He sees the car heading right for him and runs to him] Brian, look out! [pushes him out of the way, letting the hockey stick and toy net get broken by the car]
You're alive, my friend! [hugs him]
BBrian
What? Of course, I'm alive. What the hell is going on here?
Brian, [points at the car] that car killed you, and when it did, a little part of me died as well. I couldn't live without you, so I came back from the future to save your life.
BBrian
Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I saw you destroy your time machine.
Yes, but luckily, I ran into another me from the past, so I stole his return pad and came back here. Oh, that reminds me. I better send this back to where it came from.
BBrian
Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on.
Oh, oh, w...we could, we could never do something like that, Brian! [starts to fade away]
BBrian
Stewie, wh-what's happening to you?
[looks at himself] I think...my timeline has been erased! The timeline where you died no longer exists! Merry Christmas, Brian. [finally fades away]
[after Brian got sprayed by a skunk; He is trying to bath himself with cans of tomato juice.]
BBrian
Hey, guys, I-I think the tomato juice is really working. Don't you?
No. You smell like my six-foot-tall German girlfriend.
GWGerman Woman
Christopher, are you ready to go to the Guttenschvartzen?
Hell, da! She can swim across the pool in two strokes.
[A German woman picks Chris up and leaves.]
BBrian
Wh... I don't know what else to do.
[sternly] I do. [throws Brian out of the house] Until the smell wears off, you're staying outside!
BBrian
Outside?! Lois, I'm an inside dog! I'm an inside dog!
I'm sorry, Brian, but you stink. [closes door while leaving]
PCPeter and Chris
Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!
What is that? What's happening?
PCPeter and Chris
[carrying mattresses] Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!
BBrian
Peter, what are you doing?
Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship.
Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00.
BBrian
What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"?
Two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it.
Stop explaining it to the dog! Let's do this!
[Chris and Peter run into each other with mattresses]
Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program!
Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked!
[whacks Chris with his mattress] You creep.
[Chris crashes into the TV and breaks it, much to Stewie's dismay]
Peter, what's going on in...
[whacks Lois with his mattress] Unga-Bunga!
[becomes angry] You... You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house!
BBrian
Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red with anger as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! [cries, throws himself on the ground and starts throwing his tantrum]
Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] OW! Screw you, ya little turd!
[Stewie throws a photo right at the door and it crashes]
[enters the living room] What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset] Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? [picks Stewie up and is headbutted] OW!
[puts Stewie in bed after he is out of control] You've earned yourself a time-out, young man. [turns the light off] Now, you stay in here until you can behave. [slams the door and leaves]
I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish I was never born! [sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet] Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset.
BBrian
Stewie, what's going on? You should be asleep by now.
I can't sleep, Brian. Where's the woman? I need her to read me a bedtime story.
BBrian
Oh, she's busy with the blood drive. Maybe I can help. [grabs a book] How about I read you this one? It's called "Apathetic George". [reads the book] "George used to be a curious monkey, but after a month in captivity, all he did was wait for food. The zoo people wanted him to mate, but he lost interest in that, too. Twenty years and millions of dollars in zoo revenue later, he died."
BBrian
All right, you know what? I know something that will help you sleep. Wait here.
Well, I hope so, because I've tried everything. Counting sheep and thinking sleepy thoughts. I even hired the Sandman.
[Cutaway to the said guy throwing sand all over Stewie]
Sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and good night!
Oh! Oh, man! I'm real sorry about your mouth, Brian.
BBrian
[injured because of Peter's greed] Damn it, Peter! What the hell were you thinking?! This has to be the dumbest thing you've ever done!
No, Brian. The dumbest thing I ever did was turn the bubbles off in a hot tub. [cut to the said incident] Yeah, party! [shuts off the bubbles] Eww, baths with friends.
You are such a scumbag. You know, when you were poor, you were always a douche, but at least you came by it honestly. But now? Screwin' over the people who helped you?! I don't know how you sleep at night.
BBrian
[sighs] My God. You're right! I'm a jerk. I'm a selfish and pretentious jerk, and you're the only guy in town who's ever called me out on my crap. You know, I used to hate you for it, but now I think you're the only person who is trying to be my friend.
No, I think you're misunderstanding me.
BBrian
No, I'm serious. Even though I know you never liked me, you still helped me when I needed it. That says a lot about your character. I'm ashamed of myself because I am none of the things you are. You're honest and direct and compassionate and... [his phone chimes] that is 72 hours! Enjoy your craphole, dumbass!
[enraged] YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [Furiously picks up a lamp and bashes Brian with it, breaking all his teeth and knocking him to the ground]
[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]
BBrian
Peter, what the hell?! You chose a turkey over me?! I almost died!
I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater.
[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]
Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right.
BBrian
What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back?
How about I take the head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes?
BBrian
Okay, you can have those.
You just gave away the store mister.
TATV Announcer
We now return to yet another Indiana Jones movie.
IJIndiana Jones
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
SSnake
Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?
BBrian
Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm?
Brian, are you feeling all right?
BBrian
Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly)
Oh, Lois, your dog threw up.
Meg, Brian's not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet.
Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night.
Good start. Keep it up, snack pack.
BBrian
(chuckles) (retching loudly)
Peter, you got to take him now!
BBrian
Help, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line.
[While Peter and Brian are watching TV.]
It's nice to watch TV, while nothing else to do, isn't it?
[angrily tackles Brian off the couch] Get over here, ya idiot!
BBrian
Peter, what the hell?!
[while opening the anal pill container] I'm still in charge of you! I'm a human!
BBrian
Stop it! Get away from me!
This is for your benefit, so just go limp and take it! [spills anal pills on the floor]
BBrian
You touch my ass, I swear to God, I'll kill ya!
[Peter angrily shoves anal pill up Brian's butt, Brian screams and furiously bites Peter in his arm.]
[screams, looks at his bloody bite mark in tears] Wha- What the hell? You... You bit me!
BBrian
[enraged] You're damn right I did! And I'll do it again, if you don't stay the hell away from my ass!
But, Brian, the vet said...
[Brian growls, scares Peter away.]
BBrian
Wow, where did that come from? God, that was so intense. I feel more powerful than a lesbian's crotch.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
