Brian quotes from Family Guy

Hey, what are you doing home so early?

Stewie

He's following me, Brian.

Who's following you?

Stewie

Tom Cruise. I spent one afternoon with the guy and it's like I signed an eight-year contract to show up at events with him and let him fake-father a child.

Stewie, I think Tom Cruise has better things to do than follow you around.

Stewie

Oh really, well explain that. [points at Tom Cruise outside]

You know, it's times like this where I think, if I didn't talk and you were a normal baby, we wouldn't have any of these problems.

It's just when you've read as many books as I have [chuckles] it takes a toll, you know?

Stewie

Are you sure it's not from watching too much close-up porn on your phone?

Apologies for being so tardy.

Peter

Ah, Brian, you're not tardy. We tested you twice.

Stewie

Brian? What are you doing on a leash? And who's that?

[quietly] Shhh, be cool. This is the guy whose wife I'm banging.

Stewie

Oh, what a romantic way to put it.

Yeah, it's great. I just pretend to be their dog, and then when he leaves for work, I get to go to the "pound" if you know what I mean.

Out!

Stewie

What?

Your ball was long.

Stewie

[angry] ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! THAT THING WAS IN! YOU'RE GONNA PENALIZE US BECAUSE YOU'RE A BLIND, FUCKING, BLUE JACKET PIECE OF SHIT?!

Stewie, calm down!

Warning, Mr. Griffin.

Stewie

OH, YOU'RE WARNING ME? I'M WARNING YOU! I'M GONNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE AND FUCK YOUR WIFE!

Peter

[whistling after Brian] Come here, boy! Come on!

[happily wags his tail] Hey, what's up? Are we going for a ride in the car?

Peter

No, I had a question for you.

Don't EVER do that unless you have a car ride to offer!

Stewie

I want you to come inside me while I'm asleep.

No, don't. Don't say it like that.

Stewie

And once you're in my dream, your job is to stop these nightmares by finding that monster and killing him! This isn't a job for the meek, Brian. When you get in there, you've got to be hard.

Okay, but that felt intentional.

Peter

What?!

I know, I know. It was a huge mistake. Let's just do two or three high-fives and forget it ever happened.

Peter

You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!

Lois

Yeah, Cool.

Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!

Chris

Yeah? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap soon, you unemployed butt-munch!

Stewie

Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!

Chris

SHUT UP, you unemployed butt-munch!

Stewie

Okay, he found a burn he likes.

Stewie

Oh my God. They just elected him out of pity, because they think he's mentally challenged.

Kind of like we did with George W. Bush, huh? Right?

Stewie

[loud sigh] I guess. I guess, Brian. I don't know. Let's just watch some commercials now.

People in love can overcome anything.

Stewie

I guess you're right. I mean look at Jeb Bush and his wife.

Honey, do you think I'll ever become president?

No ... no ... no.

[angry] Stewie!

Stewie

What? It's just a joke.

Yeah, but come on!

Stewie

Look it up, man. Google her!

[admittedly] I know what she looks like.

Stewie! Elliot!

It...it...it's actually "Brian". We've...we've met many times before.

Then who's Elliot?

I ... I really wouldn't know.

Stewie

This is a bad start to whatever he's doing.

Wow, what a day!

Stewie

Please don't comment. There's a rat trap in that cabinet ... with a foot in it ... and somewhere in this house, there's a footless rat.

Chris

Brian, we can't have a bat flying around the house. We gotta do something.

Don't worry, Chris, I'll get rid of it. It'll be a piece of cake. Just like my penis enhancement. [cutaway to Peter at the doctor's office] I want it to hang down to my knees. [Peter leaves the building, with extremely short legs] They moved up my knees.

Lois

Why the hell would Daddy buy the Brewery?

Well, there are children in the room. Watch your swearing.