Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?
Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.
[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]
Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.
Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!
Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!
[Stewie walks in, wearing a tribal skirt and a drum for some reason]
[in the bar]
Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.
[cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]
[nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.
[in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]
BBrian
[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!
So, how was work today, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries] Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg. [Peter angrily raspberries again] And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg."
BBrian
[Peter angrily raspberries yet again] So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries again]
[laughs] Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries again] MEG! [Peter angrily raspberries even louder] Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries 7 times; quietly] Meg... [Peter angrily raspberries quietly]
I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job! [Peter whispers into Brian's ear]
BBrian
Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
What did he just say to you?
BBrian
Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg. [Peter raspberries again]
Now, why would you be embarrassed about dating her?
JJillian
Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
[to Brian] Is she retarded?
BBrian
Can you please leave now?!
Oh, now I get it! She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.
BBrian
Shut up! That's not it at all!
[Brian and Stewie are sitting on the couch in the living room]
BBrian
Hey, where's Olivia?
Oh, she's probably up at the house.
Brian: Stewie.
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know. [squints his eyes, confused with what Brian is trying to tell him]
Brian: No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
[They get off the couch and face each other]
Stewie: Don't do this to me, man! Not you, man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [on the verge of tears] Screw you! Cut it out, man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [starts crying and Brian hugs him] Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard!
[They let go]
BBrian
Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. (Stewie stops crying and dries his tears)
You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
BBrian
Well, you'd be a black man.
[shocked] Wow! Wow! Whoa! What was that!?
BBrian
Ah! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! That was my father talking!
You, um... You gotta work on that, man. Bad dog. [leaves]
Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being an adult sucks. Women are a royal pain in the ass. It's like you can't just hang out with men, you know? Just live with someone of your sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know?
BBrian
They do, it's called being gay.
Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could get into that.
BBrian
Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday so I'll explain it again, and here to assist me is the headmaster for the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
MMorris
WE'RE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!
BBrian
I will never be attracted to you.
MMorris
I WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOU!
BBrian
You're acting like a psycho bitch.
MMorris
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO BITCH!
BBrian
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
MMorris
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!
[Brian walks out the door, Morris disappears]
[sternly] I won't be ignored, Brian.
[Morris reappears]
MMorris
Mmm, I like your ass.
BBrian
How are we gonna get out of here?
You still got the starting gun?
Give it to me. [Brian hands Stewie his starting gun. Scene changes to the green car stopping at the traffic light. He pops up with starting gun aimed at the driver.] GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR, RIGHT NOW, MAN! [smashes the driver-side door window] GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! DO IT, DO IT, DO IT! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!
[The driver screams in terror, Brian pulls the driver out of the car, then he and Stewie gets in to drive away back to Quahog.]
BBrian
Did we just carjack someone?
We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
[realizing] Oh my god. Lois, You're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again!
[Cut to Peter Griffin sitting on a couch and lightning the bong to do crack.]
BBrian
[Entering the living room] Peter, what are you doing?
BBrian
[furiously] What the fuck!?
Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
BBrian
Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it.
BBrian
Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you drink in the first place. Look - here, [hands Peter a paper] this is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.
[hesitantly] Alright, Brian...
[As soon Brian walks away, Peter Griffin resumes doing crack. Cut to Brian re-entering the living room later.]
BBrian
Hey Peter, just thought I'd checked on you- [sees a stoned shirtless Peter now clutching to the couch cushion.] Oh my God!
GOV'MENT CAME AND TOOK MAH BAAAAABY!
[Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]
BBrian
How do you think it works?
BBrian
Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
BBrian
What's that big back part?
Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
BBrian
I wonder what this thing is for.
Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
BBrian
[sighs] All right, here goes.
Oh, God, oh, God. Careful, careful, careful, careful...
[the toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who run out of the room]
Chris Where are we going?
Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics.
We're goin' to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over.
BBrian
Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.
[cutaway]
SOSneakers O'Toole
I'm not takin' my sneakers off / I am Sneakers O'Toole.
M1Man #1
Hey! Take those sneakers off!
M1Man #1
Take 'em off, I said!
M2Man #2
Ah, let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes.
SSneakers
I didn't take my sneakers off / I'm still Sneakers O'Toole.
BBrian
Listen, l hope you don't mind Stewie staying for us for a little while. He, uh, he just gets really lonely without me at home.
JJillian
You're so fatherly. That really turns me on. [they start making out]
[whining off - screen] Brian, there's no more graham crackers!
BBrian
They're in the cabinet! [continues with Jillian]
BBrian
They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking in?
Can't you just come in here?!
BBrian
No, l'm busy. [continues with Jillian. We hear a loud crash and glass breaking]
Oh, nooo! Oh, no, Brian! Oh no... OH NOOO! OH, BRIAN, WE NEED PAPER TOWELS! OH, OHH, IT'S GOING UNDER THE FRIDGE! OHH!
BBrian
Just use a dish towel!
THERE AREN'T ANY, BRIAN. YOU NEED TO COME IN THERE... OHH, WE ARE GONNA HAVE ANTS!
BBrian
Stewie... did you... did you kill Lois?
Of course I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep! [his head turns 90º slowly and creepily as he talks]
BBrian
[freaked out] My God... you did it! You actually did it!
Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist?
BBrian
You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
Good luck proving that, Brian! Now, seriously, that number?
BBrian
Well, I am gonna expose you for what you are! No matter what it takes! You are gonna pay for this! [leaves]
You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room.
[cut to Meg]
I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.
JJudge
Mr. Foreman, how say you?
FMr. Foreman
We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]
KAKool-Aid-Man
OH, YEAH! [everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]
JJudge
Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.
You recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them?
Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.
BBrian
Yeah? How'd that go?
Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world...yet.
BBrian
So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?
BBrian
So, it was sorta like a dream?
BBrian
Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I mean... you don't think, that would, j-- be just like a giant middle finger to them?
Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.
BBrian
I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way. [He leaves]
Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen -[the screen goes black like he described]
BBrian
Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?
Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security!
BBrian
He was an 85 year old Korean Buddhist!
Or was he supreme leader of al-Queda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
BBrian
Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.
They're part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take 'em away!
Family Guy · 775 quotes
