All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will.
[he puts on a Quagmire mask]
Hey, look at me! I'm Quagmire! I had sex with your wife! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!
[Cleveland laughs]
Those are so his mannerisms. [laughs]
BBrian
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire! And I'm doin' you, Loretta!
[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]
[the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]
Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!
My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white!
BBrian
Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... YEEEAAAAHHH! IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that.
I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
All right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles] Okay, here we go. [short pause] How's everybody doing?
BBrian
Good. Good so far.
Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- [starts vomiting]
Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- [starts vomiting]
[feels his upset stomach] I'm starting to feel funny.
BBrian
Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- [starts vomiting]
Oh, boy! [gets up] That means I win! I get to eat the-- [starts vomiting]
[vomits again] Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me? But-- [vomits again]
Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- [vomits again]
No, please...no more...no more, no-- [vomits again]
Dad, I'm scared... [vomits again]
BBrian
Get the phone, call 911-- [vomits again]
Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- [vomits again]
BBrian
Ugh. Okay. Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- [vomits again]
I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- [vomits again]
BBrian
Ugh! Peter, I need you to hold my ears--
[Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]
[enters with a pot] Who wants chowder?
[Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]
BBrian
Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids.
[cut to Peter in a hospital with four kids in beds]
Hi there, how y'all doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- [the kids stare at him] Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- [hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed] Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler?
Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying?
[Peter and Brian watch TV]
AAnnouncer
And now, stay tuned for Three's Company.
[the television shows Three's Company]
CChrissy
Jack, are you out there? I wanna show you my new bikini.
[her top is blacked out]
What the hell?! Why they blockin' out all the good stuff?
[he switches to another station showing The Dick Van Dyke Show, with "Dick" and "Dyke" crossed out in the title]
AAnnouncer
It's The [bleep] Van [bleep] Show, starring [bleep] Van [bleep].
They're messin' with my shows!
BBrian
Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
[flashback to said episode of said program]
RRalph
One of these days, Alice, one of these days,...!
DVDubbed voice
[over Ralph's line: "Pow! Right to the moon!"] I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.
[back to the present]
BBrian
This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant.
What the hell?! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot! Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this!
BBrian
Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up.
Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood.
BBrian
Are ya sure? [leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Where he at?!
Where he at?!
Where he at?!
Where he at?!
Now, there he go!
There he go!
There he go!
There he go!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. [leaves]
BBrian
[continues singing and dancing] Do the Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!
[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]
Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic.
BBrian
Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo.
Wait a second. I'll be right back. [leaves, then returns with a cucumber] Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry?
[both laugh]
BBrian
I don't know, man! It's his wife!
You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch?
BBrian
[laughing] Hey, Marian's giving you a thumbs up! [laughs]
You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles!
[both laugh]
If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak!
[both laugh harder]
[after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant] Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché!
BBrian
I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? Because life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control.
BBrian
You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something's is really, really funny?
[cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching Hope & Faith]
FFaith
Well, Hope, I don't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits.
HHope
Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking power. It's sneezing powder.
[Stewie laughing]
FFaith
But, I already bought a whole batch to the church bake sale.
[Stewie laughing]
HHope
No wonder that priest kept saying "Bless you".
[Stewie laughing]
[cut back to Stewie and Brian]
Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. [voice breaks] You matter big time... [runs off]
[Brian has finished showering, and walks to the door with a towel wrapped around him. He opens the door to see Stewie holding a glass of orange juice.
Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money?
BBrian
Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you.
Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today.
BBrian
Yeah, I don't have it. Sorry.
Oh. Well, alright then. [drinks his orange juice] Mmm, that's good OJ. [angrily smashes the glass on Brian's head, causing him to scream in pain with eyes bleeding] Yeah, that hurt?! That hurt?!
Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? [punches Brian and throws him aside] Yeah, that's what happens, man!
Yeah, that's what happens! [punches Brian twice] Where's my money?! Ya gonna give me my money?! Where's the money, man! [grabs the towel rack and beats Brian up with it] Where's the money?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! [pulls Brian to the toilet and dunks his head in, hits him with the toilet lid] Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! [throws him out of the toilet, Brian coughs blood and water] You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till five o'clock!
BBrian
You freakin' psychopath!
[tosses the towel to Brian and leaves] Yeah, clean yourself up.
Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
[at home]
Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!
BBrian
I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".
[cut to "Jeopardy!"]
TTrebek
All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." [groans; disappears]
Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.
[taking a pregnancy test] Okay, 1 more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
BBrian
Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.
Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
BBrian
That's Street Fighter.
BBrian
Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.
KKermit
[within the shadows] You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face.
KKermit
Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights.
BBrian
[recognizing him] Kermit the Frog?
KKermit
[gasps] Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! [flees from the scene] YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
BBrian
Alright, let's get out of here.
Oh, God, l feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.
[Cut to Stewie's said cousin on the couch with Katie Holmes]
SCStewie Cruise
l'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!
The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for The Godfather.
Did not care for The Godfather.
How can you even say that?
Peter, it’s so good- it’s like the perfect movie.
This is what everyone always says- everyone always says [imitates various voices telling him they also disagree]
Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, I mean- ROBERT DUVALL!
I know- look, fine, fine actor, did not like the movie.
Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it?
It insists upon itself, Lois.
What does that even mean?
‘Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent!
It takes forever gettin’ in, you spend nearly six-and-a-half hours and then- you know I can’t even finish the movie; I’ve never even seen the ending.
You’ve never seen the ending?!
Well how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t given it a chance?
I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair.
I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sittin’ around in the easy chairs-
Yeah, that’s a great scene. I love that scene.
I have no idea what they’re talkin’ about; it’s like they’re speaking a different language- that’s why I lose interest.
They’re speaking Italian!
The language they’re speaking is a language of subtlety, something you don’t understand.
I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement.
[Stewie and Brian are playing Pac-Man while intoxicated]
BBrian
Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get, get the fruit.
I'm not gonna get the fruit.
BBrian
Get the fruit man!
[angrily] I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT! THERE'S A GHOST RIGHT THERE!
Family Guy · 775 quotes
