As a kid, I wasn't superstitous but; everybody in my family was. If my mother spilled salt, she would always tossed it over her shoulder for good luck.
JuliusNooooooo! (Jumps in front of the salt for his popcorn and crashes)
That's 9 cent worth of salt.
Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.
OWOld Woman
Sonny, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!
If you want me to help you, you gotta crawl from underneath this ladder first.
Tonya would believe that if she stepped on a crack, she would break my mother's back.
(Tonya steps on a crack and screams) NOOOOOOOOO!
(Moans after her back is broken in pain while eating her chocolate turtles)
Narrator: While my Dad is trying to figure out what to give, the kids here at goldsteins are trying to figure out what they can get.
[Julius is working as a mall Santa]
Julius
So, what can Santa give you for Christmas?
LGLittle Girl
A Malibu Barbie with the pink remote-controlled Corvette, the Barbie townhouse and the Barbie swimming pool.
Julius
Ooh. Do you know how much all that stuff costs?
Julius
Well, Santa's gonna tell you. It costs $137.16. Do you have that kind of money?
Julius
Well, neither does Santa.
[the little girl starts crying]
Welcome to my world, kid.
JBJulius' Boss
Julius, we've got a problem.
You mean besides the fact that you've got a black Santa workin' at a white department store called Goldstein's?
Julius
What's wrong?
JBJulius' Boss
You're not presenting the image of Christmas that we want to promote, here at Goldstein's.
Julius
Image? What kinda image?
JBJulius' Boss
You're Santa Claus. You're not supposed to make the children cry.
Julius
But they need to learn the truth about life!
Julius
A new license costs $17.50, and I'm not givin' them people my money till I have to.
My father waited until the last possible moment to pay for everything... and I mean everything.
WMWhite Meter Maid
Your meter's only got a minute left.
Julius
When that quarter runs out, I'll put in this one.
Baby, you almost outta gas.
Julius
When that gas runs out, I'll put in some new gas.
[Rochelle is giving birth]
WDWhite Doctor
Push! Push!
Julius, would you just pay the man, please?!
Julius
When the baby's all the way out, I'll give him all the money.
You been hidin' a credit card, what else are you hidin'? Is Julius really your name? Oh, maybe you're the Green River Killer? Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried? Who shot Kennedy? For all I know, you could be Batman!
Julius
I am not Batman.
[Julius is then seen dressed as Batman]
Julius
I'm Batman.
Julius
[about his credit card] Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.
Why not? Do you know how many times we could've used it?
Julius
That's why I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't want another bill, baby.
Oh. OK, Mr. "Responsibility," Mr. Fiscally Conservative, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HIDE THINGS FROM HIS WIFE, answer this for me: Since you're so against credit cards, why do you have one?
Turns out he had a whole other family.
That's all my mother needed to hear.
[Julius is at the dinner table with a Puerto Rican family and everyone is speaking Spanish]
Julius
Hey baby.
PRPuerto Rican Woman
Hey baby.
PRPuerto Rican Boy #1
Hello Father.
PRPuerto Rican Woman
How was work today?
Julius
Good.
PRPuerto Rican Boy #2
May I be excused?
Julius
No. You'd better eat that. That's 46 cents' worth of beans and rice.
PRPuerto Rican Woman
Don't worry baby, I'll put it on the credit card.
Julius
Oh. That's good, that's good.
[Julius comes to help Chris, who is confronted by Malvo]
So I'm supposed to be afraid because you brought your daddy out here?
Julius
No, you s'posed to be scared because if you ever put yo hands on my son again, you ain't goin' to jail. [Holds up metal baseball bat] I'm goin' to jail.
[Eyeing bat] Whatchoo gonna do?
Julius
You find out what I'm gonna do. You think I'm playin'? When you in the shower, I'm gonna be there.
[Cuts to Malvo exiting the shower, turning and noticing Julius standing there with the bat]
Julius
You think I'm playin'?
[Cuts to Malvo, Chris and Julius]
Julius
When you watchin' TV, I'll be there.
[Cuts to Malvo watching TV. On the TV, Julius, driving a truck, holds up the bat]
Julius
You think I'm playin'?
[Cuts to Julius, Chris and Malvo]
Julius
Even in yo dreams, I'm gonna be there.
[Cuts to Malvo in a courthouse]
JJudge
Mr. Malvo, you're free to go. [Malvo dances in joy] Case dismissed. [Bangs gavel]
[Turns and points to someone off screen] Yeah, what'd I tell you dude?! [Turns and sees Julius holding the bat] Hey!
Julius
You think I'm playin'?
Everybody Hates Chris · 729 quotes
