Julius Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Julius

What are you doing up?

Rochelle

I can't sleep.

Narrator

Translation: He can't sleep.

Mr. Omar

Drainada?

Julius

That's right. The Spanish Drano.

Narrator

Doesn't Drano already sound Spanish?

Julius

[about Mr. Omar's drain] How long's it been like that?

Narrator

Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti.

Julius

You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink?

Mr. Omar

No.

Julius

OK.

Narrator

It's just hittin' Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.

Narrator

My father thought he could fix anything with Krazy Glue or duct tape.

Rochelle

What you doin'?

Julius

Fixin' the table. All done.

Rochelle

Julius! Did you fix that flat tire?

Julius

Good as new.

Rochelle

Did you fix that noise yet?

Julius

Quiet as a mouse.

Mr. Omar

I don't think duct tape is gonna fix that, Mr. Julius. Why don't you just call a plumber?

Julius

For $25 an hour? I don't think so.

Julius

Look, I can't afford to buy all-new school clothes.

Rochelle

I guess that's one more thing you can't stand about your miserable life. My kids are not wearin' these, so you either get new clothes or new kids.

Narrator

He's tryin' to figure out which one is cheaper.

Narrator

When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.

Chris

Hey Dad, can I drive?

Narrator

And he always said the same thing.

Julius

Drive? Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16, go to driver's ed., get a driver's license, graduate from high school, get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.

Narrator

He coulda just said no.

Julius

Don't go burnin' up gas.

Chris

I'm just moving the car across the street.

Julius

That's three cents' worth of gas.

Narrator

After all that had happened, I kept thinking about how my dad had trusted me. Even though I had managed to get the car back home without him knowing, it seemed like the right thing to do was tell the truth.

Chris

Dad?

Julius

Yeah, son?

Chris

I have a confession to make. I drove your car to school today.

Julius

You what?

Chris

I'm sorry. I really am.

Julius

Son, I'm very disappointed in you, but as long as you're safe, that's all that really matters.

Chris

Thanks, Dad.

Julius

But one more thing...

Chris

Yes, Dad?

Narrator

Since I got the car home and nobody got hurt, I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself and never do anything like that again.

Julius

Blackie, get outta my chair!

Narrator

He's guardin' it.

Rochelle

Believe me, there have been many other problems.

Narrator

One time the house flooded.

Rochelle

Can we call the insurance company now?

Julius

No. Now we have a swimming pool.

Narrator

Another time a plane dropped a load.

Rochelle

Can we call the insurance company now?

Julius

No way. Now we have new luggage.

Narrator

And another time, aliens took over.

Rochelle

Now can I call the insurance company?

Julius

No, I've always wanted to go to another planet.

Chris

I'm training the dog in Spanish.

Julius

Why?

Chris

It's part of the attack-dog training. Like you can only talk to a German Shepherd in German or an Irish Wolfhound in Irish. [referring to Blackie] This is a Puerto Rican mutt.

Julius

Well, I don't care what he speaks as long as he stays out of my chair and you turn him into a killer.

Chris

Bueno. (Good.)

Julius

¿Qué? (What?)

Chris

Nada. (Nothing.)

Julius

Forget this. I'm gettin' a gun.

Rochelle

Julius, do you know what would happen if we got a gun?

Julius

Who ate the big piece of chicken? [gets out a gun] You? Baby girl?

Rochelle

[gets out two guns] Who left the damn toilet seat up? Huh?

Tonya

Who ate all the cereal? [gets out a shotgun] I WILL BLOW YOUR FREAKIN' HEAD OFF!

Julius

Chris, this is it. You got 48 hours to train that dog or he's dog food.

Narrator

Dogs aren't used in dog food, but this wasn't a good time to correct my father.