Rochelle Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Tonya

Momma, can we have our candy back?

Rochelle

No. I ate it. Don't need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.

Narrator

But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.

Narrator

Next to dealin' drugs, gettin' bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.

Rochelle

Tonya, what happened?

Momma, I had to smoke that fool.

Rochelle

No, not him! I'm talkin' about this D you got in algebra!

Narrator

And worse than this...

Rochelle

Drew! Where is that boy?! What the hell is wrong with you?

[dressing a cowboy outfit] I'm followin' my dream, momma. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.

Rochelle

I'm not talkin' about that! I'm talkin' about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think I'm playin' with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin' no damn drugs in my house!

Rochelle

Who ate my Turtles?

Maxine

Oh, is that what you call them things? I ate them, but they was nasty. What's in those things, anyway?

Rochelle

If you didn't like them, why did you eat them? Mama, I am sick of you. Ever since you got here, you have not stopped complaining. Just because Daddy is dead does not mean that you can come into my house and tell everybody what to do. And Michael, get your feet off of my damn couch before I slap the jam out of your toes. Aunt Grievey, stop all that crying. You cried on Easter. You cried on Halloween. You cried on Flag Day. Get some Kleenex, wipe your nose 'cause it ain't that damn sad. And hang up my phone! And Aunt Mousey, take off your coat and speak up. You're over there peeping and squeaking.

Rochelle

You sound like a damn rat. Use your words! You're damn near 60 years old! And, Mama, the next time you want to eat my Turtles, the least you could do is like them.

Narrator

She's back!

Julius

Let me in.

Rochelle

No. You smell.

Julius

That is the smell of a working man.

Rochelle

No, that is the smell of Aquaman.

Julius

Rochelle, open the door.

Rochelle

No. Look, baby, I understand that this job brings you more free time and more money, but I can't take it anymore! The kids can't breathe! I cannot sleep at night! Do you not know that I'm at that Laundromat every day? I've been burnin' so much incense, ten people came by here tryin' to buy reggae albums!

Narrator

[in a Jamaican accent] Hey, 'mon!

Julius

What you want me to do?

Rochelle

Quit!

Julius

I can't just quit! What kind of example would that be for the kids? Huh? Did Thurgood Marshall quit? Did Frederick Douglass quit? Did Booker T. Washington quit?

Rochelle

I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I want you to quit!

Julius

What about takin' the kids to Great Escape? Huh?

Drew

We don't wanna go nowhere with you.

Tonya

Yeah, Daddy! You stink!

Julius

What's this?

Rochelle

Clean clothes.

Julius

Where am I supposed to change?

Rochelle

I don't know. Why don't you ask them cats?

Narrator

My father could've asked my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.

Tonya

Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?

Rochelle

What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?

Drew

Hey Mom, what time is it?

Rochelle

What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.

Chris

Ma, can I have some more potatoes?

Rochelle

What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.

Narrator

My father has gotten tickets from Risky before: for the Ali-Frazier fight at Madison Square Garden.

Rochelle

Oh!

Julius

What happened? Who's down? What happened?

Rochelle

Man!

Narrator

He got him tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.

Julius

What's she wearin'? Has she thrown her shoe yet?

Rochelle

I got Patti's shoe! I got Patti's shoe! Smell it! Smell it! Yeah Patti, I love you girl! Whoo!

Narrator

It wasn't the first time our parents couldn't go somewhere because one of us got sick.

Julius

I got a coupon for a free dinner!

Rochelle

Oh, I'll go get dressed.

Tonya

Momma, I have rabies!

Rochelle

DAMN!

Julius

I got Michael Jackson tickets!

Rochelle

Oh, I'll call the sitter.

Drew

Momma, my eye fell out!

Rochelle

DAMN!

Julius

We just won a trip to Miami!

Rochelle

Ooh! I'm gonna go get packed!

Chris

Ma, I think I broke my neck.

Rochelle

Damn.

Narrator

My father hated seeming weak. He wouldn't admit to have a headache if he had a hatchet in his head.

Rochelle

Julius, you are not fine, OK? You're sick.

Julius

I'm fine.

Rochelle

No you're not. You're sick.

Julius

I'm good.

Rochelle

No you're not.

Julius

I'm OK.

Rochelle

No, you're trying to die.

Julius

I'm good, OK? Everything, good.

Rochelle

OK, Mr. "I'm Good."

Narrator

The only time my dad ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.

Rochelle

I asked for a sewing machine. What the hell is this?

Julius

A loom.

Rochelle

What is that?

Julius

A stove.

Rochelle

If that's the stove, where's the witch? I asked for a car. What the hell is this?

Julius

A rickshaw. That's Rick.

Rochelle

Here's how this works, Tonya. You could keep lyin' or you could tell me you took my earrings. You decide.

Tonya

You promise you won't yell?

Rochelle

I won't yell.

Tonya

I took your earrings, and I lost one.

Rochelle

DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY EARRINGS?!

Tonya

You promised you wouldn't yell!

Narrator

I've been fallin' for that one for years.

Rochelle

Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya? Huh?

Narrator

Whenever my mother was ready to kill one of us, she'd always count down from 5.

Rochelle

5... 4... 3... 2... 1. Imma let you're father handle this.

Narrator

Listening to Patti LaBelle could make my mother feel good, no matter what.

Rochelle

Come on, Pepito! I told you, man, I didn't do it!

¿Cuál es tu última voluntad? (What is your last wish?)

Rochelle

Can you play "New Attitude?"

Rochelle

(After Julius looks at the burnt Mac and Cheese) That's your mother's recipe?

Julius

How come you didn't wake me up?

Rochelle

Because you woke me up at 5:00 in the morning. What are you going to do with this Mac and Cheese?

Julius

I sent Chris down to get some more.

Rochelle

You sent Chris down to look for Macaroni and Cheese on Thanksgiving? That's like trying to find candles on Hanukkah.

Julius

Well, don't worry about it. Look, I'll start on the turkey and finish the cobbler.

Rochelle

Well, where are you going to cook the Mac and Cheese?

Julius

In the oven.

Rochelle

When?

Julius

What are you talking about?

Rochelle

The turkey's gonna take five hours at 300 degrees, the mac and cheese is gonna take two hours at 320 degrees, then the cobbler's gonna take 45 minutes at 425 degrees. You've already lost two hours' worth of Three Mile Island here, so I'd say we'll be eating dinner around about 1:30 in the morning. That's if nothing goes wrong.

Narrator

My mother was bad at math, except when it came to multiplying my father's headaches.

Narrator

As a kid, I wasn't superstitous but; everybody in my family was. If my mother spilled salt, she would always tossed it over her shoulder for good luck.

Julius

Nooooooo! (Jumps in front of the salt for his popcorn and crashes)

Narrator

That's 9 cent worth of salt.

Narrator

Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.

Sonny, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Drew

If you want me to help you, you gotta crawl from underneath this ladder first.

Narrator

Tonya would believe that if she stepped on a crack, she would break my mother's back.

Tonya

(Tonya steps on a crack and screams) NOOOOOOOOO!

Rochelle

(Moans after her back is broken in pain while eating her chocolate turtles)

Tonya

Chris gets sick and now we can't get anything for Christmas.

Drew

Man, we were good for nothin'.

Rochelle

No, you were good because you were supposed to be good. I mean, what if there were no Christmas? Would you be runnin' around here startin' forest fires?

Narrator

Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.

Rochelle

Boy, is that a baby?

Drew

No, that's a football.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Tonya

No, it's a shoebox.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Chris

No, it's baby carrots!

Narrator

I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.