Every time my mother got a new job, there was always someone she hated. At the hospital, it was Tammy.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as a nurse]
RochelleSo Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200. I know how to set the defibrillator. I'm gonna defibrillate her!
At the fire station, it was Betty.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as a firefighter]
Rochelle
That damn Betty set the water pressure at a hundred pounds per square inch, when she know I told her to set it at 130 pounds per square inch! I shoulda turned the hose on her!
And at NASA, it was Belinda.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as an astronaut]
Rochelle
Can you believe that heifer? I told her to set the aft booster at 25,000 feet per second, and she looked at me like I'm crazy. Now, if we woulda got stuck in the ionosphere, she woulda been like, "Oh, well, what we gonna do now?" [to her family] More Tang?
And at the office, it was Charmaine.
Rochelle
And then when I got back from lunch, she done move my stapler. Talking about, "That's not where it goes." I told her I put it there, so that's where it goes.
[My dad] didn't hear a word she said.
Rochelle
I'm raisin' men in this house, and men do not hit women.
That meant you couldn't hit a girl even if you were supposed to hit her.
[Drew is in a boxing match with a female boxer; he tries to punch her]
Rochelle
You better not hit that girl!
[the female boxer punches Drew, knocking him out]
A new license costs $17.50, and I'm not givin' them people my money till I have to.
My father waited until the last possible moment to pay for everything... and I mean everything.
WMWhite Meter Maid
Your meter's only got a minute left.
When that quarter runs out, I'll put in this one.
Rochelle
Baby, you almost outta gas.
When that gas runs out, I'll put in some new gas.
[Rochelle is giving birth]
WDWhite Doctor
Push! Push!
Rochelle
Julius, would you just pay the man, please?!
When the baby's all the way out, I'll give him all the money.
Rochelle
You been hidin' a credit card, what else are you hidin'? Is Julius really your name? Oh, maybe you're the Green River Killer? Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried? Who shot Kennedy? For all I know, you could be Batman!
[Julius is then seen dressed as Batman]
[about his credit card] Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.
Rochelle
Why not? Do you know how many times we could've used it?
That's why I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't want another bill, baby.
Rochelle
Oh. OK, Mr. "Responsibility," Mr. Fiscally Conservative, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HIDE THINGS FROM HIS WIFE, answer this for me: Since you're so against credit cards, why do you have one?
W1Woman #1
My boy is a football player. He just got a scholarship to Rutgers!
W2Woman #2
My daughter is a doctor. She just finished her first open-heart surgery.
Rochelle
And my son is a magician, and he just made Bed-Stuy disappear! [outside, a barren desert is shown]
PPam
You better tell him to bring it back, 'cause I'm closin' at 9.
My mother had lost more stuff in her purse than the Bermuda Triangle. She lost little things.
Rochelle
There's my lipstick.
Rochelle
There's that skillet.
She lost great big things.
Rochelle
There's that gallon of milk.
And things she didn't know how she lost.
Rochelle
There's my purse.
They might have found Biggie's killer if they looked inside my mother's purse.
Rochelle
No. What happened?
He won $300 on the basketball game last night.
Rochelle
Gambling? I hate gambling.
My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. He'd gamble on anything: fights...
[Gene is watching two kids playing Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots]
GGene
C'mon, Blue! Let's go! C'mon, Blue!
[the kid controlling the red robot wins]
[Gene is watching two kids race on tricycles; one of them wins]
He'd even bet on the weather.
GGene
I got $10 on sunny and 79!
[it is raining outside]
Everybody Hates Chris · 729 quotes
