Rochelle Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Rochelle

[repeated line] Is she white?

Rochelle

Would you do that voodoo that you do so well?

Rochelle

You wanna be a comedian? Ha! Very funny!

Chris Rock

[narrating] 1982. That was the year I turned 13. Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager. I was gonna have women, money, stay out late-- I thought it was gonna be the bomb. Boy, was I wrong.

Rochelle

CHRIS! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat! [under her breath] Disgusting!

Chris Rock

[narrating] My dad always checked on us in between jobs: His night job, and his late-at-night job.

Chris

Dad?

Julius

Hey, man. I thought you were asleep.

Chris

I'm sorry I ate the big piece of chicken.

Julius

That was 89¢ worth of chicken. What, you didn't get enough to eat at school?

Chris

I was still hungry.

Julius

Now I'm still hungry. [sits on Chris' bed] Look. Next time, eat a little something extra at breakfast, okay?

Chris

Okay.

Julius

[pulls out cash] Here. [pulls cash from Chris before his can get it] Now, don't go pullin' this money out. Somebody'll try to rob you. [gives cash to Chris] Don't tell you mother about this. Everything okay at school?

Chris Rock

[narrating] I didn't tell him about the fight. My dad went to school during the Civil Rights Era. After hoses, tanks, and a dog bites on your ass, somehow, Joey Caruso didn't compare.

Chris

Yep, it was alright.

Julius

Okay. I'll see you in the morning.

Chris Rock

[narrating] My father wasn't the type to say "I love you." I was one of four fathers on the block. "I'll see you in the morning." meant he was coming home. Coming home was his way of saying "I love you."

Julius

Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time when you sleep. That's two cents an hour.

Rochelle

[offscreen; angrily] What the Hell happened to my towel?! [Chris' eyes widen in shock, as if thinking "I'm busted!", as the screen freeze-frames and fades to black, ending the episode as "Rapper's Delight" by The Sugarhill Gang plays in the background]

Rochelle

If I ain't getting any sleep, you ain't getting any sleep.

Chris Rock

[narrating] Now, that was mean. Taking sleep from my father was like taking ignorance from a rapper.

Rochelle

Baby, just try it, okay?

But I don't like it.

Rochelle

You're going to eat this sausage, do you hear me?! Girl, do you think I'm playin' with you?!

Julius

Oh, no! No! Rochelle! No! Rochelle! Rochelle, no, no, no, no!

Chris Rock

[narrating] It took us about an hour to get my mother off of Tonya's behind, but eventually, Tonya did eat her sausage. And as for my mother, well, to this very day, she still ain't raisin' no babies.

Julius

Chris, I was in the basement. I didn't see your bike.

Chris

[quickly makes up a lie] I put it under a sheet so it wouldn't get dirty.

Rochelle

[suspiciously] Not my good sheets?

Chris

[shakes his head] No, ma'am.

Chris Rock

[narrating] If my parents found out about my bike, this was gonna be my last meal.

Rochelle

What'd you put in these eggs?

Julius

A little ham, cheddar cheese, seasoned salt, a touch of Basil, and just a, a little dash of hot sauce.

Rochelle

They taste a little funny.

Julius

Did you want something else?

Rochelle

I'll have some sausage.

Julius

Okay.

Rochelle

[takes a bite of sausage] Hmm. [Julius is quizzical] A little dry.

Julius

Rochelle, I feel bad enough about not working. I don't need you around here complaining about how I do things.

Rochelle

[shrugs] Well, if you did things right, I wouldn't have to complain.

Julius

Half the stuff around here I do better than you! [Rochelle pauses while eating] It ain't that hard.

Chris Rock

[narrating] My father was the oldest of ten brothers and sisters. He had been cooking and cleaning all of his life. But even if the job wasn't that hard, he's not supposed to say it.

Julius

[Rochelle stares at Julius] What? You got somethin' to say? [Rochelle dryly smiles, stands up, and a warning message appears on screen]

Narrator

Warning: The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

Rochelle

Well, ain't this about a bi--?! [Cuts to outside of house as Rochelle is heard inside yelling. Crashes can be heard. People outside stop.] Are you crazy?! You do my job for [crash] one day, and now it ain't that damn hard?! You bacon-frying, biscuit-baking, pancake-making, bald-headed bastard! [Time card reading, "One Hour Later", appears] You must think I'm crazy! [crash; everyone ducks and moans] You can kiss my "Ain't-That-Hard" a--! [another crash, everyone runs away, screaming; cut to Rochelle inside] Have you LOST your mind?! [She leaves the room]

Chris Rock

[narrating] And that was my mother's way of letting him off easy.

Julius

[pretending to be tired] Hey, what are ya gon' make for dinner? [Rochelle stares at him.] Huh?

Narrator

Warning: The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

Rochelle

Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? "Dinner"?! Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons?! Get over here and pick this crap up, before I smack the shine off yo head!

Rochelle

Chris, come straight home so you can go trick or treating with Drew and Tonya.

Narrator

Damn!

Narrator

It took me years to find out in order to get a women to do something you gotta tell them the opposite!

Rochelle

Here's your chicken!

Julius

And you better not get me dessert!

Rochelle

I get you what I want!

Tonya

[about the generic cereal] Is there a prize inside?

Rochelle

The prize is you won't starve to death. Ring it up.

Narrator

Instead of Oreo's, Ginger Snaps or Chips Ahoy, we got...

Drew

Cookie?

Narrator

That's right, cookie. Not cookies, cookie. A big bag with one cookie in it.

Narrator

My dad liked game shows.

Julius

C'mon, sista. You can do it.

Narrator

And he always rooted for the black people. If there were no black people on it, then he'd root for anybody with a tan.

What's the next item up for bids, please? A new dishwasher!

Julius

$430.

I want the first bid from Bennette.

$400.

Julius

That's good, that's good. That's right, you're right.

$625.

Julius

Ooh. You're a fool if you pay that much.

$580.

Julius

What's a man doin' there at 11 o'clock in the mornin'? He ain't got no job?

Narrator

My father was like Rain Man when it came to guessin' how much somethin' cost.

Rochelle

How did you know that? We don't even own a dishwasher.

Julius

That's 'cause it costs $430.

Rochelle

So who put this pot on the stove?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.

Rochelle

Who tore up my back seat?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Julius

Who left my nickel layin' out here on the sidewalk?

Drew

Wasn't me.

Rochelle

Who spilt this oatmeal?

Wasn't me.

Narrator

Would you believe those were his first words? [Young Chris drops his spoon in shock]

Rochelle

I need to know where you are, who are you with and what you're doing. How do I know that you're not out there selling drugs? You could be the kingpin of a Columbian drug Cartel for all I know!

Chris

I'm not out there selling drugs.

Rochelle

How do I know that?

Narrator

My mother had one golden life for her kids. Don't sell drugs! As long as everybody else is doing that, everyone else is okay!

Mam, your son shot the Mayor.

Rochelle

Did he sell drugs?

No Mam!

Rochelle

Get in there, boy!

Mam, your son shot the Governor, kidnap his daughter, rob the President and ran a red light.

Rochelle

He ain't selling no drugs did he?

No mam!

Rochelle

Boy, get in there!