Rochelle Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Rochelle

Where have you been?

Julius

I stopped to get coffee.

Narrator

With his coffee coupon.

Narrator

When you're a kid, one of the most important lessons you learn is when your parents tell you to do something...

Rochelle

Y'all better eat that liver.

Yes, ma'am.

Narrator

...you do it, no matter what you think.

Rochelle

Boy, get your feet off my good chair.

Drew

Yes, ma'am.

Narrator

No matter what it is.

Rochelle

Girl, are you crazy?! If you wanna cook your brother, do it outside!

Tonya

Yes, ma'am.

Narrator

No matter how you feel.

Rochelle

Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris

No!

Rochelle

What?

Narrator

Will I say what I just said again? Will my mother kill me before I get a chance to say it? Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit there and just let this happen? Don't touch that dial!

Rochelle

While you were out takin' your time, sippin' on coffee, your son was here staging a COUP!!

Julius

A coup? What? Who, Drew?

Rochelle

CHRIS! I spent 20 hours of labor pushin' out that big-eared boy, and he turns around and does this to me?!

Julius

Does what? What did he do?

Rochelle

What did he do? Oh, what? You're on HIS side now?!

Julius

No, no! I... I'm just tryin' to find out what's goin' on!

Rochelle

Oh, what's goin' on? What's goin' on? Lemme think about what's goin' on. YOUR SON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!! That's what's goin' on! I, I... I cook. I clean. I care for this family, and what do I get in return? Just a FULL-SCALE MUTINY! Led by a child who I bore for a man who's supposed to love and honor and protect me! You know, I thought we were all in this together, but you know what? I'm findin' out now that I'm just BY MYSELF!

Julius

Rochelle, what did he do?

Rochelle

I told Chris to wash the dishes and he told me, "No." And what do you do? Nothing!

Rochelle

Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris

No.

Narrator

Well, it's been nice knowin' you, America.

Narrator

First thing in the morning, my mother did the meanest thing yet: nothin'.

Chris

Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late for school!

Rochelle

You grown. Wake yourself up. If you don't wanna do nothin' for me, I ain't doin' nothin' for you.

Narrator

And she didn't. She didn't do my laundry.

Chris

Where's my underwear?

Rochelle

You grown. Wash your own drawers.

Narrator

She didn't make my meals.

Chris

Where's my breakfast?

Rochelle

You grown. You can cook your own food.

Chris

My mom's been mad at me before, and she'll be mad at me again. What's the worst she can do, not be my mother anymore?

Rochelle

I'd like to return this child.

Do you have the receipt?

Rochelle

Sure do.

Looks good! Take this to the cashier for your refund.

Rochelle

Thank you!

Narrator

I was tryin' to become my own person, but my mother still thought she owned me.

Rochelle

What you think you doin'?

Chris

I'm makin' breakfast.

Rochelle

With my eggs?

Chris

No, I bought the eggs, and I bought the bacon.

Rochelle

Oh. Well, you ain't buy that skillet. You ain't buy that fire. You ain't buy that spatula. You ain't buy that plate.

Chris

Next time, I'll remember to buy a paper plate.

Rochelle

Oh, next...? "Oh, next time, I'll remember to buy a paper..." No, next time, you need to remember: This ain't your kitchen! This ain't your stove, this ain't your floor, those ain't your frozen gizzards, that ain't your...

Chris

You say none of this is mine. Maybe I should find someplace else to be.

Rochelle

Uh-oh! Did y'all see that? I guess he jumpin' bad now. You bad! I guess you Shaft! You's a bad mutha... Shut yo mouth! No! Since you're so independent, so liberated, maybe you need to go live in the Statue of Liberty.

Chris

Fine! I'm leavin'.

Narrator

I stood my ground, and now it was gonna be standin' out on the street.

Julius

You cuttin' the boy's arm off for stickin' his finger in the fan.

Narrator

What?

Rochelle

Cuttin' off his arm? I don't get it. So, am I the fan?

Drew

I'm pretty sure Chris is the arm.

Tonya

No, I think the arm is the arm.

Rochelle

Chris is the boy.

Julius

Yeah, Chris is the boy. Look, stickin' his finger in the fan is just the equivalent of doin' something stupid.

Drew

Like talkin' back to Mom.

Julius

Right.

Tonya

So cuttin' the arm off is kickin' him outta the house?

Julius

Exactly.

Rochelle

So, if he stuck his finger in the fan and I didn't like it, cuttin' his arm off so he wouldn't do it again [along with Julius] wouldn't help.

Rochelle

Will both of y'all shut up?!

Narrator

That don't rhyme!

My name is Tallulah LaFitte. I came in here the other day to get my hair dyed honey brown, and it come up like this!

Rochelle

Well, did you have color in your hair before you came in?

So, what if I did? I didn't want my hair to be orange! I look like Ronald BlackDonald!

Rochelle

Well, hair is like crayons, you know? You mix colors, you get new colors. If you don't know what you mixin', you don't know what you're gonna get.

I don't care about no mixin' colors, miss! You need to give me a refund!

Narrator

You need to put those fingers away!

Rochelle

Um, we don't give refunds. That's our policy. Didn't you read the signs?

Then I need to speak to the manager!

Rochelle

She's just gonna tell you the same thing I just said.

How do you know that?

Rochelle

Because she is me! So I'm sorry, but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours, it's not our fault.

Narrator

That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears.

Ah-ah! This is not over, miss! Until you give me back my money, I'm putting a mojo on you and yours. A hex on everything you touch and everything you do. So it is said, so it shall be done. [chants in foreign language, then leaves the beauty salon]

Narrator

That was Barack Obama's middle name.

Rochelle

And Obama-lu to you, too!

Rochelle

You know Miss Tallulah?

Vanessa

Yeah. What about her?

Rochelle

Well, she was unhappy with her hair color, so she seemed pretty upset, so I just gave her a refund.

Vanessa

REFUND?! What'd you do that for? I have a strict no-refund policy. You know that.

Rochelle

Well, Vanessa, she put a hex on me. A mojo!

Vanessa

A mojo? You let that woman come in and scam you for $40 because she threatened you with a mojo? She's been doin' that ever since she came in, 'Chelle. She's crazy! She's the reason I put the sign up there.

Narrator

Just about everything I went through at school was hard. The work was tough.

Chris

"Q"?! What's a "Q"?!

Narrator

The people were mean.

Chris

[to Greg] Go ahead. [Greg runs off] [Chris tries to get out of the way but Caruso blocks him every time.] [annoyed] Are we havin' a fight or a dance-off? [Caruso punches him]

Caruso

You know I can't dance.

Narrator

But the one thing about school that was harder than anything else...

Rochelle

Chris, wake up.

Narrator

...was gettin' there.

Rochelle

It's time to go to school. You can't learn nothin' in bed.

Narrator

Tell that to Kim Kardashian. While most kids were still sleepin', I had to get my clothes on, wash may face, brush my teeth, eat...

Chris

[stopping a bus] Hey-hey-hey! Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! Wait, wait! [shows bus ticket, and the bus door opens.]

Narrator

...and then catch three buses. If I got the first one on time, it gave me just enough time to catch the second one which usually made me right on time to catch the third one. And if nothing went wrong, I'd be on time.

Greg

Hey, Chris.

Chris

[to Greg] Hey. [to Mr. Thurman] After you.

[to Chris] You're late. Now go to the principal's office and get a tardy slip.

Here. [gives Chris a tardy slip.] Just for the record, Chris, you can't afford to be late again. The clocks in this school are set to Eastern Standard Time, not C.P. Time.

Chris

What difference does it make if I'm late? We took all our tests. We only got, like, one more week to go.

Counting today, you have been late 29 times this year, and 30 is the limit. If you're late again, you will not be promoted. You will have to repeat the 10th grade.

Chris

[outraged] Say what?!

[sticking to her guns] Say word.

Narrator

Oh, there's a word I wanna say, all right!

Narrator

While I was worried about getting to school, Tonya was worried about getting out of school.

Rochelle

Boy, slow down. You're acting like your food is trying to get away from you.

Chris

I'm trying to get to bed. I'm really tired.

Tonya

Hey, Daddy, can I get my hair done at Nessa's for graduation?

Julius

Sure, baby.

Tonya

Can I get a new dress too?

Rochelle

You don't need a new dress; you can wear your church dress.

Tonya

But I wore that for Easter. If I wear it for graduation, I'll look back at the pictures, I won't know what I'm remembering.

Rochelle

You'll remember that we couldn't afford to buy you two dresses.

Chris

[finishes his drink rapidly] Plus, in one of the pictures, you'd be holding the chocolate bunny. [kisses Rochelle's cheek] Love you. Good night.

Rochelle

Good night.

Julius

That's okay. I've been saving up for this. How many times does a girl graduate from sixth grade?

Narrator

In Bed-Stuy, five.

Tonya

Thanks, Daddy.

Rochelle

What are you writing, Drew?

Drew

It's a list of things I can do on Amateur Night at the Apollo. I'm gonna try out.

Julius

Drew, that's a tough audience. You can't just go up there and do anything; they will boo you faster than Casper on Halloween.

Rochelle

Stevie Wonder could see before he did Amateur Night; they booed him blind.

Tonya

They booed "Magic" Johnson so bad, he gave up singing.

Drew

"Magic" Johnson is a basketball player.

Tonya

Now.

Drew

Well, they're not gonna boo me.

Narrator

That's what Roseanne said before she sang The National Anthem!

Narrator

Meanwhile, I was goin' down like O.J. in the Vegas trial.

Rochelle

Chris, this is your own fault. If you woulda told me you were havin' problems, then I coulda done somethin'.

Julius

It's not the end of the world. Most people don't get to finish the 10th grade once. You get to do it twice. It's kinda like workin' a double shift.

Chris

Do you know how embarrassing that's gonna be?

Rochelle

As embarrassing as bein' 40 and still livin' with your mother 'cause you were too stupid to listen to her and repeat the 10th grade and get your diploma.

Narrator

After all my parents did for me, I tried to do somethin' for myself.

Julius

G.E.D.?

Chris

Yeah, it's just like graduatin' from high school.

Rochelle

No, it's not. Do you get a G.E.D. cap and gown? Can people sign your G.E.D. yearbook? Do they have a G.E.D. reunion?

Narrator

Yes. It's called "Flavor of Love."