Rochelle Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Chris

They call me the Black Plague.

Rochelle

Isn't that an insult?

Julius

I'm just glad you winnin'. We don't wanna know the things they call Jackie Robinson.

Narrator

If you really wanna know, ask Michael Richards or Don Imus.

Rochelle

GENE!!!

Everybody hates Gene.

Rochelle

[to Julius] Don't worry. You're not having a party.

Narrator

That's what the Democrats said to Hillary [Clinton].

Rochelle

Just because you do summer in the Vineyard, and you go swimmin' in the Inkpen, and you play the violin instead of the funky bass, and you eat those, all those stupid finger foods, does NOT make you better than somebody, OK!? My son is a good kid, and my husband is innocent! So, you know what? You can take your little Hansel and Gretel and you can shove it up your...

Lady, you're out of order!

Rochelle

NO!!! You're out of order! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!! THIS WHOLE TRIAL IS OUT OF ORDER!!!

Get her out of here! GET HER OUT OF HERE!

Rochelle

Attica! ATTICA!!

Rochelle

Boy, I oughta knock you into subspace.

Chris

Isn't that ridiculous?

Mission Control. That stupid black kid is outside of the space station.

Chris

[screams] Help me!!!!! [screaming continues]

Rochelle

I don't need a computer. Girl, I'm a walkin' computer.

Vanessa

But I'm not. Girl, I don't even know what's goin' on in my own salon anymore.

Narrator

Sounds like my father.

Narrator

A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems: Big ones, like losin' your job, and little ones, like tryin' to figure out where to hide it. I thought about hidin' it in the bathroom.

Julius

Who's hidin' $27 worth of weed in the toilet?

Narrator

I thought about hidin' it in my room.

Tonya

Momma! Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!

Narrator

I even thought about hidin' it in the kitchen.

Rochelle

Who hid weed in my cereal?!

Narrator

But I decided the safest place to hide it was on me.

Rochelle

How do you know what weed smells like?

Narrator

Scratch 'n sniff Rick James' sticker?

Rochelle

Chris, is that your wrestlin' coach?

Narrator

I guess that answers who they got arrested.

Greg

Kristoff St. John didn't hit me.

Chris

Yeah, he's right. That's not him.

Rochelle

Well, I thought you said you didn't see anything.

Narrator

Yeah, dummy!

Chris

Oh. Now that I think about it, it's kinda all coming back. As I came around the corner, I think I might have caught a glimpse of the driver.

Well, let's get you with the sketch artist.

Narrator

Jesse from All My Children, you're next.

Rochelle

Hittin' someone with a car is not illegal. Lyin' to the police is.

Chris

Ma, I know you're mad, but it's over. It all worked out. It's not a big deal.

Rochelle

You broke your friend's leg, you both lied to the police, we were in the middle of a police shoot-out with a serial choker, and you don't think it's a big deal?

Narrator

Not in Bed-Stuy.

Rochelle

Boy, this is not a library.

Narrator

If it was, you'd be quiet.

Rochelle

Do you have a pen?

Tonya

For what?

Rochelle

For me not to smack the smart outta you.

Rochelle

Why is everybody lookin' at me?

Julius

Because you smokin' a carrot.

Narrator

After sayin' "No" to my mother for the first time, I didn't know what to expect.

Rochelle

What did you say?!

Chris

I said no.

Narrator

Twice!

Rochelle

That's what I thought you said. [throws some silverware at Chris, who has been pinned to a door because of that, then threatens him with a knife] Now say it again.

Chris

Ma, I didn't eat all the dinner by myself. I shouldn't have to clean it all up by myself.

Rochelle

I don't wear all the clothes, but... I wash them by myself. I don't sleep in all the beds in this house, but I... I make them all by myself. I don't pee in all of the toilets in this house by myself!

Chris

Ma, Drew and Tonya are sittin' right there doin' nothin'. Why can't they help?

Rochelle

Because I told you to do it! Now, I don't wanna hear no more back talk. Now, clean this mess up.

Chris

No. I'm not gonna do it.

Rochelle

Lord, please help me before I knock this boy's neck off. Eight... Nine... T-ten!

Narrator

I wouldn't see a woman that perplexed again until Palin found out her daughter was knocked up.