Megan[offscreen] Hello? Anybody home?
Megan
[offscreen] Drake? Josh?
That is Megan, Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
Come on! [tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door] Dude!
[blocks the door] Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
Come on. [he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loudly whispers] Megan! Run!
Megan
I don't wanna run.
[loud whisper] But he's vicious.
Megan
Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
[Drake and Josh walk over to her]
I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
Megan
Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up 2 hours ago.
How'd you know we were here?
Megan
Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
Megan
What're you talking about?
When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
Megan
Really?
DJDrake and Josh
Yeah/Uh-huh.
Megan
[satisfied] See ya. [she leaves Mrs. Hayfer's house and makes Tiberius bark loud at Drake and Josh and trap the boys in the bathroom again much to her delight]
[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]
Oh, it's you. Close the door!
Megan
[closes the door and walks up to Drake] What's going on?
Swear not to tell mom and dad?
Megan
Swear.
Well, I have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
Megan
[gasps] Oh my god! Are you okay?
I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
Megan
Or you know there is another cure.
Megan
Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
Megan
I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
Megan
You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]
Megan
What?
[Megan leaves the room]
Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinkel cut fries and you keep him company. [runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]
Megan
Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
Hmmm. [pretends to think] Why don't you, reach into, [points to trash can and Megan looks at it] that decorative trash can and tell me.
Megan
[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps] A bunny!
Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
Megan
[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs] Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
Megan
Thanks! You’re so cute. [goes to her room, admiring Cookie]
Fine. [picks a card] Now what?
Now, put it back. [Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket] Very good.
[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze] So what's my card?
Cough. [Drake coughs out a card] Now, open it. [Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking] Is that your card?
Yeah. But could you do me a favor and not make things come outta my body?
[Drake and Josh answer the door and discover that Tyler bought nachos for them]
TTyler
Hot nachos for Drake and Josh.
Yeah. It's about time our nachos got here.
[tells Josh to hush] Free nachos. I'll take those. Josh, take the nacho boy.
Do you have change for 5?
TTyler
No, sir. [he leaves]
[while Drake is eating nachos] We didn't order those.
Dude, when life hands you free nachos, you don't question it!
I'm just worried about- [starts eating nachos with Drake] Oh, my god. These are good nachos.
These are the best nachos in the world.
They're made with, like 5 different kinds of cheeses.
What you say? As long as nobody sees us?
[muffled] It's getting hard for me to swallow.
[muffled] Something's wrong with these nachos!
[when Megan gets too busy to prank Drake and Josh, she hires a young boy named Tyler to help her when the two come out of the kitchen]
Megan
Awesome. Great, great work.
TTyler
You really think so?
[muffled] Megan, who is this? Go get over there.
Megan
Drake, Josh, I'd like you to meet My new assistant, Tyler. Tyler, you know the boobs.
[Drake and Josh muffles]
Megan
I'll explain. See, like I told you, I've been really busy lately, so I don't have time to harass you guys as much as I'd like to, which is why I hired Tyler as my assistant. To help make your lives as miserable as possible. He made the nachos.
TTyler
[satisfied] I used a special sticky cheese!
Megan
Yeah. Tyler, come upstairs with me. We'll make a schedule for the rest of the week.
[as Tyler goes upstairs with Megan, Drake and Josh stay behind leaving their mouths muffled]
[as he answers the phone; muffled] Hello? No, no don't, hello. No, I know. I have my mouth. You talk to him. [gives the phone to Josh]
[muffled] Hello? Who is it?
[muffled] Who is it? Hello?
[after the phone was hung up, Drake and Josh get angry as the two head upstairs]
[at the end, Drake and Josh are stuck hanging on a net by Megan and revealed that she fired Tyler]
We're in the net. Hey, what's going on?
Well, I'll tell you what's going on? It's that Tyler kid, Megan's assistant.
Megan
[after she went out of the kitchen] Hey, boobs. How's it hanging?
Hey, tell your friend Tyler to cut us down!
Megan
Tyler didn't do this. I did. I fired Tyler.
Why? I thought you were too busy to prank us.
Megan
Yeah, but letting somebody else make your lives miserable, doesn't give me that same warm feeling I get from doing it myself, so I'll make time. Later. [leaves]
Hey, can you at least get us down from here?
Megan
Sure. [presses the button to let Drake and Josh down]
[laying on the floor] Thank you.
[laying on the floor] Good night.
[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]
Megan
[looking at a car with tattooed flowers] Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
DJDrake and Josh
[singing] No!
Megan
Dad said I can help pick out the car.
Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
Megan
Don't push me.
SCStan the Car Man
[appears and gets out of his cart] Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
SCStan the Car Man
The very same.
I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
Who also sells trucks and vans.
SCStan the Car Man
I don't like it when people imitate me.
I'm also sorry. [points at a monkey] Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! [picks up Bobo]
SCStan the Car Man
He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
Megan
Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
SCStan the Car Man
How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
SCStan the Car Man
$2400. About what car did you had in mind?
It's gotta have satellite radio.
Heated seats would be nice.
Megan
Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
SCStan the Car Man
Well, I surely can. Right over there!
Come on. [he and Josh walk away]
SCStan the Car Man
Butt temperature problems?
Megan
He's a mess. [she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]
GGreg
[while putting out the fire on Robbie's treehouse after Drake and Josh burned it] Well, fire's out!
Greg, I am so sorry our kids burned down your son's treehouse.
Yeah, if only Josh wouldn't have put that restrictor plate on first... [Josh shoots him a look]
GGreg
Well, it's alright. I'm just a little worried about how Robbie will react, see he can be a little...
RRobbie
[off-screen] Daddy?
GGreg
Oh no. No, I didn't want it to be like...
RRobbie
[walks up to Greg] Daddy? [turns to the remains of his treehouse, dropping his toy truck in shock] What happened to my treehouse?!
GGreg
Son, [kneels down to Robbie's level] Drake and Josh shot it with a rocket and burned it down.
[Robbie turns to Drake and Josh]
[Robbie unleashes a high-pitched cry that causes the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and his cry lasts about 10 seconds before Robbie stops]
[sarcastically] Well, that was pleasant!
RRobbie
Why? Why would you do this to me?
RRobbie
That treehouse was the only place I could cry in private!
Oh, it's okay, Robbie! I'll tell you what, Drake and Josh, are gonna build you a brand new treehouse!
GGreg
Well, we are driving up to our cottage in Fresno for the weekend. Can you boys rebuild it, tomorrow?
But we have dates, tomorrow!
I don't know, he says things...
[to her children] You can go on your dates, after the three of you finish rebuilding Robbie's treehouse!
Megan
Whoa, whoa! By the "three of us", I hope you mean Drake, Josh, and Josh's imaginary friend!
Megan
Mom...
Drake and Josh said you were helping them with the rocket when it flew through the window.
So, you have to help rebuild the treehouse tomorrow.
Megan
But I'll miss Jeannie's birthday party! [turns to her brothers, venomously whispering] Tell them it wasn't my fault!
Now boys, Megan, [angrily whispers] why don't you tell Robbie you're sorry?
DJDrake, Josh, and Megan
We're sorry.
GGreg
[ruffles Robbie's hair] Atta boy!
Hey, hey, maybe you can cheer yourself up by playing with your cool red truck, here. Come on, try it, dude!
[Robbie turns on his truck, and drives it into the remains of the treehouse, a charred piece of wood falls onto the truck, splitting it in half and Robbie proceeds to scream and cry again, causing the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and retreat back to their house]
[while working on Robbie's new treehouse] You know, you two could help me.
I've been helping since 7 am. Now, I'm relaxing. [to Megan] Hey, pour me some more lemonade, would you? [Megan walks over and refills Drake's cup of lemonade, then uses it to splash his face] What was that for?!
Megan
For making me miss Jeannie's birthday party!
[smugly] Yeah well, it looks like me and Josh got you this time, doesn't it? [stops Megan as she walks towards the power saw] Don't touch the power saw!
Megan, just go get me some more screws from the garage.
Megan
You guys make me sick, maybe I'd better check into "St. Illness". [rolls her eyes as she walks to the garage]
[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]
Megan
[walks to Drake with a snow cone] Hey boob.
Megan
I told you I was going to get a snow cone.
Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
Megan
Let me think, no!
Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those 2 hot identical twins, I swear- [Josh grabs him]
We don't need that power saw!
Then how are we gonna get out of here?
[grabs the power screwdriver] Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
Okay. [he power screws the door but realizes it's dead] Set this baby to reverse.
I don't know. The screwdriver- [looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it] MEGAN!
Megan
[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver] Yes, can I help you?
[while Megan is grilling burgers on the grill]
Hey. Hey, you forgot one thing, Megan.
Megan
No. [holds up a pack of buns] I got buns right here.
I meant we're gonna tell Mom and Dad, and then you're gonna be in huge trouble.
Megan
Well, you're gonna have to wait, 'cause Mom and Dad went out to have dinner and see a movie with the Schneiders.
Megan
[answers the door, revealing Craig and Eric each holding model rockets] What?
Hey, we heard Josh got the Skybuster 5000 model rocket!
And we want to show him ours! [excitedly shows off his model rocket, including Craig]
Megan
What is wrong with you two? [hears the phone ring] I'll be right back. [goes to answer it]
Megan
No! [answers the phone] Hello?
[scene changes to the Premiere, revealing to be Drake and Josh's twin dates]
T1Twin 1
Hey, are Drake and Josh there?
Megan
Nope, sorry.
T2Twin 2
Well, they were supposed to meet my sister and I here 45 minutes ago.
Megan
Well, I'm sure if they cared about you at all, they'd be there.
Megan
Um, actually? [looks back at Craig and Eric] Drake and Josh moved to Canada.
Megan
But they felt bad about missing your date, so they're sending another couple of guys over to meet you.
Megan
[hangs up and goes to the door] Alright, do you two want to spend your Saturday night playing with model rockets? Or would you rather be on a date with two hot girls?
Megan
Twins.
Twins? [laughs with Craig]
Megan
Have fun. [closes the door]
Wait, wait! [taps the door with Eric]
Megan
[opens the door] What?
Megan
The Premiere! [slams the door]
W-wait! [looks at Eric, as the two rush to the Premiere]
[Drake gets home after the exam, (which he failed most likely), and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together. Josh is instead smiling]
[strangely happy] Just readin' my book.
[signs] Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat.
[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake] Yes, yes. She's very pretty.
Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! [Josh says nothing] Sit-n-bounce!
Megan
Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that?
[sarcastically] No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. [plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]
[stop bouncing] Come On, dude, I said I was sorry.
Well, stop being mad at me.
I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
What's that supposed to mean?
I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
So what, are you gonna move out?
No, this is the house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. [walks away, leaving Drake concerned]
Megan
Whoa!
Megan
You really did it this time.
Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been furious with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it.
Megan
I dunno, he sounded pretty serious.
Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up-
RRobbie
[walks in] I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! [kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
