GGreg
[while putting out the fire on Robbie's treehouse after Drake and Josh burned it] Well, fire's out!
Greg, I am so sorry our kids burned down your son's treehouse.
JoshYeah, I feel awful.
Yeah, if only Josh wouldn't have put that restrictor plate on first... [Josh shoots him a look]
GGreg
Well, it's alright. I'm just a little worried about how Robbie will react, see he can be a little...
RRobbie
[off-screen] Daddy?
GGreg
Oh no. No, I didn't want it to be like...
RRobbie
[walks up to Greg] Daddy? [turns to the remains of his treehouse, dropping his toy truck in shock] What happened to my treehouse?!
GGreg
Son, [kneels down to Robbie's level] Drake and Josh shot it with a rocket and burned it down.
[Robbie turns to Drake and Josh]
Josh
Well, you see, Robbie...
[Robbie unleashes a high-pitched cry that causes the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and his cry lasts about 10 seconds before Robbie stops]
[sarcastically] Well, that was pleasant!
RRobbie
Why? Why would you do this to me?
RRobbie
That treehouse was the only place I could cry in private!
Oh, it's okay, Robbie! I'll tell you what, Drake and Josh, are gonna build you a brand new treehouse!
Josh
Wait, what?
GGreg
Well, we are driving up to our cottage in Fresno for the weekend. Can you boys rebuild it, tomorrow?
Josh
Wait, tomorrow?
Josh
We can't, we have plans.
Josh
But we have dates, tomorrow!
Josh
I don't know, he says things...
[to her children] You can go on your dates, after the three of you finish rebuilding Robbie's treehouse!
Whoa, whoa! By the "three of us", I hope you mean Drake, Josh, and Josh's imaginary friend!
Josh
Hey!
Drake and Josh said you were helping them with the rocket when it flew through the window.
So, you have to help rebuild the treehouse tomorrow.
But I'll miss Jeannie's birthday party! [turns to her brothers, venomously whispering] Tell them it wasn't my fault!
Josh
Too bad, little girl!
Now boys, Megan, [angrily whispers] why don't you tell Robbie you're sorry?
DJDrake, Josh, and Megan
We're sorry.
GGreg
[ruffles Robbie's hair] Atta boy!
Josh
Hey, hey, maybe you can cheer yourself up by playing with your cool red truck, here. Come on, try it, dude!
[Robbie turns on his truck, and drives it into the remains of the treehouse, a charred piece of wood falls onto the truck, splitting it in half and Robbie proceeds to scream and cry again, causing the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and retreat back to their house]
Josh
[while working on Robbie's new treehouse] You know, you two could help me.
I've been helping since 7 am. Now, I'm relaxing. [to Megan] Hey, pour me some more lemonade, would you? [Megan walks over and refills Drake's cup of lemonade, then uses it to splash his face] What was that for?!
For making me miss Jeannie's birthday party!
[smugly] Yeah well, it looks like me and Josh got you this time, doesn't it? [stops Megan as she walks towards the power saw] Don't touch the power saw!
Josh
Megan, just go get me some more screws from the garage.
You guys make me sick, maybe I'd better check into "St. Illness". [rolls her eyes as she walks to the garage]
[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]
[walks to Drake with a snow cone] Hey boob.
I told you I was going to get a snow cone.
Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those 2 hot identical twins, I swear- [Josh grabs him]
Josh
Hey!
Josh
We don't need that power saw!
Then how are we gonna get out of here?
Josh
[grabs the power screwdriver] Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
Josh
Okay. [he power screws the door but realizes it's dead] Set this baby to reverse.
Josh
I don't know. The screwdriver- [looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it] MEGAN!
[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver] Yes, can I help you?
[while Megan is grilling burgers on the grill]
Josh
Hey. Hey, you forgot one thing, Megan.
No. [holds up a pack of buns] I got buns right here.
Josh
I meant we're gonna tell Mom and Dad, and then you're gonna be in huge trouble.
Well, you're gonna have to wait, 'cause Mom and Dad went out to have dinner and see a movie with the Schneiders.
Josh
Stupid Schneiders.
C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
Josh
Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
And the battle begins! [rings bell] Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
Josh
Wahahaha. I am prepared, Young Szechwan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
Ahh, do your worst! [he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh's horror] You have smashed the window of transparency!
Josh
[runs to the broken window] Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
Josh
I don't have a paddle!
Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
Josh
We can't be late for this-
I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. [gives Josh the book and leaves the room]
Josh
I don't think it leaves us enough- [opens the book and reads a page] What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. [yells]
[Mr. Roland starts his class]
Alright, class, close your books, put all materials underneath your desk. Drake, stop kissing Kat. Your exam is about to begin. You will have exactly 55 minutes to complete your-
Josh
[all sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door] PLEASE! PLEASE, LET ME IN!! I'M SORRY I'M LATE! [Drake looks at him from his desk]
[Opens the door] Mr. Nichols, you know the rule.
Josh
B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to-
I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcome in my class.
Josh
Uh, b-but w-what about the exam?
You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade!
Josh
[very upset and despairing] Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! [Points at Drake angrily] YOU!
Josh
[yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares] COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!!
[enraged] Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW!
Josh
But I-
Josh
I just-
Josh
[defeated] Now...? [leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case] Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! [Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]
As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. [Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.] You will use a #2 pencil.
Josh
[sobbing] I work so hard!
[closes first blind] Not #1, not #3.
Josh
[sobbing] So unbelievably hard!
[closes second blind] If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
Josh
[sobbing] I really do, I give everything a hundred…
[closes last blind] I want silence in this classroom! Silence is golden.
Josh
[freaks out] Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!
[Drake gets home after the exam, (which he failed most likely), and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together. Josh is instead smiling]
Josh
[strangely happy] Just readin' my book.
[signs] Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat.
Josh
[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake] Yes, yes. She's very pretty.
Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! [Josh says nothing] Sit-n-bounce!
Josh
No, thanks.
Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that?
[sarcastically] No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. [plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]
Josh
Can you please move?
[stop bouncing] Come On, dude, I said I was sorry.
Josh
Yeah, I heard you.
Well, stop being mad at me.
Josh
I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
What's that supposed to mean?
Josh
I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
So what, are you gonna move out?
Josh
No, this is the house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. [walks away, leaving Drake concerned]
You really did it this time.
Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been furious with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it.
I dunno, he sounded pretty serious.
Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up-
RRobbie
[walks in] I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! [kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]
[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]
[arrives at the Premiere] Hello, Josh.
Josh
Hi, Drake.
I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
Josh
It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
You always fill up the car!
Josh
Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
LLeah
Movie tickets here are $11.
And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! [yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]
Josh
[clears throat, grabs the communicator] Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. [beeps] So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich?
I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold.
No, I think it's the other way around.
Okay, but what's a grinder?
LLeah
Same thing as a hoagie.
[getting dragged by the security guards] Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him.
SGSecurity Guard
Is this guy a friend of yours?
[pause]
Josh
[satisfied] No, he's not.
[frustrated] Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!!
Josh
So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh?
LSLeah, Steve, Eric, & Craig
[All talking at once in agreement] Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah.
All in the sandwich family.
[after being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand] Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling!
Chemical emergency! [turns on the alarm]
Let's get him in the power-shower! [grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]
Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? [Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water] What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! [Starts yelling as the hot water stingingly washes off the chemicals]
Hey! What is this water!? Ow! [continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]
[turns off the water] Drake, you may come out now. [Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning] Sit down, Drake. [Drake ignores him, walks towards the door] Drake, sit down!
Josh
What?
Josh
Well--
Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
Josh
What do you mean?
I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you way more than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. [tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]
Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
Josh
[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way; and yet…] No. No, sir.
Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments.
[as Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]
Josh
Hoaw! We have unfinished business, Young Szechuan.
Josh
Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Monguku. [Drake cheers up as Josh, smiling back, picks up his paddle]
Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
Josh
Your foolishness, Young Szechuan, has sealed your fate!
Aw, destiny is mine! [They both play ping-pong ball together with kung-fu yells at every swing and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]
[door bell rings]
Josh
Yo, Drake, get that!
Got it. [opens the door and finds Mindy there] Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch?
Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
CChad
Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill.
Oh, no problem. Step aside. [both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]
Josh
[jumps, accidentally flips the projector] Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance.
No, I need to talk to you! [to Craig] Get out. [Craig walks out]
Josh
What?
Josh
I know, I invited her.
Did you invite him? [turns Josh's head around towards Chad]
Josh
Who's him?
Josh
[shudders] I don't care.
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
