[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]
DrakeBye, parents.
[stops the boys from leaving] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
Drake
Uh, to make history.
We're going to ride The Demonator.
No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.
Drake
Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.
Why do I always have to grab the feet?
[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]
Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.
Drake
Yeah, you only have to be this tall. [he puts his hand about yay high]
The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.
Drake
Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.
The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!
Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?
Drake
Fine.
[Drake, Josh and Megan are at Mystic Mountain waiting in line to ride The Demonator]
Drake
15. Only 15 people away from riding The Demonator.
I can't believe we get to ride it the first night it opens. Uh oh. I just had a bad thought.
What? You might grow old, never get married, and die alone?
No... But thank you for pointing out that possibility.
Drake
What's your bad thought?
What if the ride's not as great as we think it's gonna be?
Drake
You take that back!
I'm just saying, what if it's all hype?
SSpeaker
Please exit The Demonator to your left.
[some passengers walk out of the ride]
MMan
Oh, man, that ride was insane. I feel like part of me has died, but another part has just been born. [walks out]
LBLittle Boy
I don't even care that I puked.
Megan': Yeah, it's all hype.
Drake
Oh, man, this is gonna be the greatest night of our lives.
Ah, true that. [takes another bite of his churro] Uh oh. I gotta pee.
Drake
We're almost to the front. Can't you hold it?
Maybe. But since we're all gonna be sitting in the same row--
If he doesn't make it back in time, we're still gonna go on the ride, right?
Drake
If he's mauled by a bear, we're still going on the ride.
[Drake, Josh, and Megan are bumped to the back of the line after Josh used the bathroom and got back in the middle of the line upsetting people]
I can't believe you got us sent to the back of the line!
Drake
You just had to pee!
Sorry. Yeah, next time, I'll just let my bladder explode.
[Milfred Mouse feels his butt noticing his tail has been off]
Hey. [takes the tail from him] You do not yank off Milfred Mouse's tail.
Drake
Josh, stay out of it.
MMMilfred Mouse
Hey, buddy. [drops his axe] You do not yank off my tail.
Yeah, I know, he's the one--
MMMilfred Mouse
[takes his tail] Yeah, yeah, how would you like it if I yank off your tail? [he tickles Josh and he yells]
Cool it, buddy. [pushes him away]
MMMilfred Mouse
Oh-hoh, don't you push me! [he throws Josh out of the line and attacks him]
Drake
[tries to stop the fight] Break it up.
PBPirate Boy
They're hurting Milfred Mouse!
PBPirate Boy's Mom
Security!
[Drake and Josh keep fighting until the whistle blows and four guards approach]
JOfficer Jackson
Alright, that's it. Get off Milfred Mouse.
MMMilfred Mouse
Yeah, get him off of me! He attacked me.
Drake
That mouse is very aggressive!
JOfficer Jackson
Look, you mess with the mouse, you go to the back of the line.
JOfficer Jackson
You with these guys?
[satisfied] Never seen them before in my life.
JOfficer Jackson
Come on! [takes Drake and Josh to the back of the line]
MMMilfred Mouse
[distantly] Yeah, yeah, get outta here! [everyone in line claps]
[after Drake and Josh had a fight with Milford Mouse, they are at the end of the line again, Josh was trying to call Eric, but no answer revealing that Papa Nichols broke Eric's cellphone]
[hangs up his phone, worried] Oh, man, this is not good. Eric always answers his cell phone.
Drake
Dude, I'm sure Papa Nichols is still sound asleep.
No. That's not the point, alright? We have to go home. There's no way we can ride The Demonator and be home before Mom and Dad get--
Drake
Yes we can.
[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]
Drake
Oh, hey. Want some sandwich?
No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?!
Drake
[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues] Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. [Josh breaks his pencil] And now he's breaking things. Somebody call the pencil repairman...
DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisational blues tune? Don't you have homework to do?
Drake
My homework's already been taken care of. [gives his note to Josh]
[reading Drake fake doctor's note] Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor.
Drake
Wrote it myself!
Shouldn't the doctor have a name?
Drake
Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah?
Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect!
Drake
Cool!
Drake
Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are.
Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio.
Drake
Mmm, ham radio.
Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens.
Drake
Oh, cool, gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. [Josh takes the mic]
We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS!
Drake
You know there's a way to correct people nicely.
Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? [hears alien noises] Who said that? [Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her] Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! [falls backwards; screams] What are you doing? [the "aliens" pause] What are you gonna do?
DJDrake and Josh
[exchange looks] Dance. [dance in victory] Gotcha! [chest bump]
What? [Drake and Josh take off their masks] Drake, Josh!?
[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]
[venomously] It is 11:45 PM. I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up with your fighting. [Drake and Josh continue arguing] HEY! [Drake and Josh stop arguing] Here. [gives Drake and Josh a ticket]
Tickets to the Dr. Phyllis Show. You guys both go on tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm gonna go back to sleep. And I don't wanna hear another sound out of this room! [She leaves Drake and Josh's room]
Drake
I don't wanna go on the Dr. Phyllis Show.
Why? 'Cause you're afraid she'll diagnose you as a BIG JERK!?
[As they argue again, Megan comes back again and puts a smoke bomb on their table. She activates it, exiting and smirking before it emits smoke that causes the brothers to collapse unconscious onto the floor]
[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes were shown]
PDr. Phyllis
Unbelievable!
PDr. Phyllis
Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations.
No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim in this relationship.
Drake
Oh, how are you the victim?
You’re always trying to take advantage of me.
Drake
Ha!
PDr. Phyllis
Drake, come on, honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit?
Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone.
Drake
Oh, name one time.
Okay, uhh. That girl, Liza.
Drake
Hot Liza?
Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back.
Drake
That's an exasperation!
Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!?
Drake
No!
PDr. Phyllis
Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza.
Glad too. See, Drake had just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought he’d make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza.
PDr. Phyliss
Drake, is this story true?
Drake
Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever!
PDr. Phyllis
Liza Tupper?
Drake
Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either, if you know what I'm saying!
PDr. Phyllis
You're saying she's dumb?
Drake
And a bad kisser!
PDr. Phyllis
[anger rising] Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter!
Drake
[gets up] Oh, this is awkward.
[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]
Drake
Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had.
Drake
[sips his Mocha-Cola, then cringes] This is diet. Here, switch with me.
No. You already took a sip.
Drake
So?
So I don't wanna drink your backwash.
Drake
Don't be such a priss.
Drake
Then switch with me.
Drake
Come on, you know I hate diet.
Are you really gonna get mad about this?
Drake
You're always doing this, man. Come on.
I'm always doing it? This is what I'm talking about. I'm enjoying a delicious regular beverage.
Drake
You're still mad about the golf balls.
You can have a little diet. This is what you say. "Oh, Josh. You gave me diet soda. And you could go get a new soda."
[They have another argument. Megan comes into the living room and activates a device. The device beeps and blows out white smoke that knocks Drake and Josh out, stopping their argument as the episode ends.]
Drake
Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! [Josh screams]
[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]
WWoman
OPRAH!!! Oh, my God! Oprah! Somebody call for help!
[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath. His skin is now intensely orange, as if from a bad tan.]
Drake
Hey, man.
Drake
Hey... man?
You left me at the hospital to be chemically bathed!
Drake
Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
[sarcastically] Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
Drake
Kay, what up with the 'tude?
Do you know what it's like to get an involuntary chemical bath? It stings... EVERYWHERE!
Drake
Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress. You are never going to make up anything to me ever again.
Drake
Wait, do these sound okay to you? [Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves] Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
NOT REALLY! [slams the door]
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
