[door bell rings]
DrakeGot it. [opens the door and finds Mindy there] Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch?
Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
Drake
You shebeast.
Drake
Weirdface.
Drake
[beat] What?
CChad
Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill.
Oh, no problem. Step aside. [both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]
Drake
JOSH!
[jumps, accidentally flips the projector] Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance.
Drake
No, I need to talk to you! [to Craig] Get out. [Craig walks out]
Drake
Mindy's here.
Drake
Did you invite him? [turns Josh's head around towards Chad]
Drake
Her date.
Drake
Yes, you do.
Drake
Hey, Clayton.
[Drake sips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]
Drake
Hello?
BBoy
[sees Drake's black eye] It's true.
Drake
Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident.
BBoy
That's not what we heard.
Drake
And what did you hear?
BBoy
That you were making fun of Eric's sister.
GGirl
Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd.
Drake
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! [walks up to Eric] Eric?!
[pops up from the dumpster] Hello.
Drake
[screams] Craig?
Drake
Yeah, I'm alone.
Good. [holds out a bag of pork rinds] Pork rind?
Drake
Sure. [takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it] So you're the one that sent the blimp?
Drake
[concerned] Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me.
Drake
Rat's hat?
[furious] He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old. That I'm the one who dried his tears when his iguana got diabetes. That I--
Drake
[He interrupts Craig] Okay, Okay, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
Drake
What?
Drake
[confused, steps aside] And?
And you're like a professional singer.
Drake
[still confused] You wanna sing a song with me?
I've wanted this for a long time.
Drake
Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
Drake
I thought he was Jewish.
A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
Drake
Okay...
So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you.
Drake
Uh-huh.
And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me. And don't forget our song.
Drake
I won't forget the song.
Good, I'll start practicing.
[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]
Drake
[he stops the argument about stacks of cards] Okay, you know what? You know what? Enough with the cards, alright? I got big problems.
Drake
Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what?
Drake
I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
You don't want to do that. [grabs him]
Drake
Then give me a one good reason.
'Cause it's not gonna help you, alright? It's just gonna make you look worse. You're gonna have handle these things maturely.
Drake
Kinda like you do with Mindy?
DIFFERENT! [crosses his arms]
Drake
It's not different?
Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage. OUTRAGE!
Drake
And Eric wrecking my life isn't?
I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- [the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]
CClayton
[worried, mumbling] Why?
[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]
[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]
Drake
Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
Yeah, me, too. [looks at Megan's hamster] Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
Drake
Look, let's just get out of here.
Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
Drake
Well, hurry.
[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]
Drake
Awww. He's playing dead.
I think he really is dead!
Drake
Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
W-W-What can I do about it?
Drake
I don't know you watch o.r.! Fix him.
Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
Drake
Just give him CPR!
[whining] Oh Alright! [takes out Hervay from his cage] Stay with me buddy, stay with me!
Drake
Okay.
[blows on Hervay's mouth] 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! [blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails] That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
Drake
NO! [runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]
[Grabs Drake backwards] HE'S GONE!
Drake
Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
Drake
Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his cage and spins his running wheel as they leave Megan's room fast]
[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]
Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned him. He's fine, see? [shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]
Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room [nightclub]. You have to be over 21.
Drake
You are, Mr... [pulls out fake ID] Yakitori!
[takes fake ID and looks at it] What's this?
Drake
Fake ID, here, check mine out. [takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]
[reads the name on Drake's fake ID] Jefferson Steelflex?
Drake
[laughs] Yeah, made it up.
[sarcastically] Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... [reads the names on the IDs again] Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
Drake
Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
It's illegal to use fake IDs!
Drake
Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!
[after Blaze has gone]
Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
Drake
Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
Drake
Yeah, right, right, right, right.
Drake
Uh...
Uh, alright. [pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police] Alright, work together. Teamwork.
Drake
Okay.
Drake
Alright.
Drake
Ow!
Drake
Grab it.
Alright. [the phone slides away from him and Drake] Teamworking.
Drake
Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
Oh, this isn't gonna work.
Drake
Alright. Fine, fine, here. [puts it behind him] I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
I'm not sticking my nose down there.
Drake
Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
Drake
Oh, just dial the number.
Alright. [presses the 9 button with his nose] 9. [then the 1 button] 1.
[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]
Drake
Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
Drake
Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
Drake
'Cause we bought tickets.
[to Drake] Not you! [to Megan] Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
I don't care what you're doing.
Drake
But you just asked us.
Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... [Megan leaves their room smiling smugily]
Drake
Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
Drake
Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
Drake
Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
Really, you're not a smart boy.
[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]
Drake
Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
Drake
I don't even know what accent to talk with.
Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
Can I help you gentlemen find something?
[Irish accent] Top of the mornin' to ya, how are ya? Potata!
Drake
[Irish accent] Come along, Pontiac.
Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
Drake
Pip pip da doodly-doo!
Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin' that.
Drake! Drake! Wait until you hear this! [crashes into door and then recovers, walking in] You are not gonna believe this! Whoa, man! You are not gonna believe this!
Drake
Mrs. Hayfer died?!
No! Corey has a girlfriend!
Drake
Yeah, I know. He's with Megan. That's why we gave him our pants.
Drake
What?!
You heard my words! That Corey's a little two-timing, girl-kissing, Japanese candy-giving jerk!
Drake
What is so special about Japanese candy?
Oh, it's a big deal. Now what are we gonna do about this?
Drake
We're gonna tell Megan. That's what we're gonna do.
Drake
Yes!
We can't go to Megan with this.
Drake
We could if you'd let go of my shirt!
Look, if we tell Megan, she's gonna think we're making it up. She's gonna think we're lying just to keep her from dating Corey.
Drake
Oh, man. You're probably right. So what are we gonna do?
LLady
That's them, those 2 men from Ireland!
CCorey
These 2 freaks just tried to steal my popcorn and then sat on my girlfriend!
Drake
Ah, she's too young to be havin' a boyfriend!
Drake
Wee!
Wait a minute... [rips off their fake beards] What are you boobs doing here?!
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
