Drake Parker quotes from Drake & Josh

Megan

[happily kisses Drake and Josh's cheeks] I love you guys.

Drake

[injured] Dude, you're crying.

Josh

[injured] He kicked me in the throat.

Drake

(happily) Hello, what's your name?

Josh

(happily) Hi! Who are you?

Drake

What is your favorite thing to eat?

Josh

What games do you like to play?

(happily) Me, too!

Drake

Hey, do you like me?

Josh

Do you wanna be my friend? (Smiles creepily)

Drake

Aw, thank you!

Josh

(offended) What is that supposed to mean?

Drake

You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!

Josh

(outraged) What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go get your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!

Drake

A present? For me?

Josh

Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!

Drake

[holding a plate of cookies] A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!

Josh

I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --[offscreen boy spits in his eye]... did you just... you spit in my eye!

Drake

Mmm... these are my favorite!

Josh

Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

Drake

I'm so mad!

Josh

Yes, I can tell by your violent banana-chewing.

[finds Maria and Drake kissing each other; enraged] MARIA!!!

Thronton!

Josh

Free popcorn???

What are you doing, Parker!?

Drake

Kissin' a girl, what are you doin'?

You were kissing my girlfriend!

Drake

Oh, ya know, that reminds me of a funny story-

What's the matter with you!?

I'm sorry! He's just an awesome kisser.

Josh

Ah, no, he's not, no, he's not! Thronton, you're way better! Kiss 'em, kiss 'em right now!

Not a chance! We are over!

Drake

Aw, c'mon, Thronton!

And you, you are uninvited to my birthday party!

Drake

Wha- Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I didn't know she was your girlfriend!

Josh

Yeah, he didn't know she was your girlfriend!

You, too! Uninvited!

Josh

[sobs] AUGH! THAT'S NOT FAIR!

Crazy Steve

Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area.

[taps Steve's shoulder] Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom?

Crazy Steve

I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!

Thornton

UNINVITED!!! [storms away]

Drake

Hey.

Josh

Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?

Drake

Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.

Josh

Well, perfect, and?

Drake

He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.

Josh

[groans] I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?

Drake

Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.

Josh

I don't wanna get even. [whining] I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!

Drake

Bro, Thornton hates us.

Josh

Well, let's make him love us again.

Drake

I tried.

Josh

Well, maybe we can... [notices Drake's autographed Beatles Abbey Road album] Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?

Drake

Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. [hides it in his arms] Don't even think about it.

Josh

I'm telling you, if we give him that album--

Drake

Absolutely not.

Josh

I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.

Drake

Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.

Josh

Dude.

Drake

Okay, but I love this album a lot.

Thornton

Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

Drake

(angrily) No! (Grabs a lightsaber prop) Not until I get my Beatles album back!

Josh

Will you quit looking at me like that?!

Drake

No! I'm gonna continue looking at you like this for several more minutes. [Drake angrily widens his eyes and glares at Josh harder]

Audrey

[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula] Walter, she's here.

Walter

Ooh. [walks before the front door]

Drake

Who's here?

Audrey

Helen, with her grandmother.

Walter

Hey! Can we have a better attitude about this? We're doing a nice thing for a sweet old lady. [Lula breaks the door in]

Where's the bathroom?!

Audrey

Did you just break our door in?!

I rang the doorbell, I waited 25 seconds, nobody came, what was I supposed to do?

Josh

Maybe ring the bell again.

[to Helen] Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? [Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]

Megan

What, are we gonna pretend that wasn't funny?

Helen

Lula, that's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. [introduces everyone else] That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, Ms. Parker (Audrey), and this is...[forgets who Walter is]

Walter

Walter!

Audrey

And uh, what do we call you?

Lula. Where's the bathroom?

Audrey

Right there through that door.

Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! [walks into bathroom and slams door]

Audrey

Is she always so--?

Helen

Buh-bye! [goes away]

Megan

I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.

Walter

She's not, she's staying in your room.

Megan

What?!

Audrey

You're gonna stay in the boys' room.

What?!

Josh

This is an outrage!

Drake

Where are we gonna stay?

Walter

[to Drake and Josh] Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.

Megan

Aw, this is horrible.

Walter

It's not that bad.

Alan

What do you think?

Josh

Uh, well....

Drake

I hate it!

Alan

[stops the song playing] You hate it?

Drake

Yeah, that's not even my song. What'd you do to it?

Alan

Uh, we just had our best mixers and producers work on it 6 days straight. It's great.

Josh

But it's not the song you said you like.

Alan

Yeah, it is. It's just been improved.

Drake

No, it's been ruined!

Josh

Drake...

Drake

Look, don't "Drake" me! They can't do that to my song!

Alan

Sure, we can. We have a signed contract that gives us complete creative control.

Drake

Look, no, you don't! I didn't sign any contract.

Alan

Your manager did.

Drake

[turns to Josh, who realizes his mistake] You signed a contract?

Josh

[meekly, feeling bad and nervous] Uh...

Alan

We'll let you guys discuss this privately.

Josh

Don't be mad...

Drake

[furious] OH, I AM WAY PAST MAD!

Josh

I made a mistake.

Drake

How could you sign away creative control of my song?!

Josh

I was mesmerized by a giant shrimp!

Drake

You didn't read the contract, did you? How could you sign a contract without reading it?!

Josh

He said it was the standard stuff.

Drake

OH my god!

Josh

[stuttering] M-M-M-Maybe I can fix this, alright? I'll go talk to Alan as your manager.

Drake

No, you won't!

Josh

Look, maybe I could fix--

Drake

No, you're not my manager anymore, alright?! YOU'RE FIRED! I mean it!

Drake

Man, I have a headache.

Josh

Why are you screaming?

Drake

'Cause there was a big, hairy foot in my face!

Audrey

Super Bowl's on.

Drake

I don't care.

Josh

Come on, the commercial's up in about 2 minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.

Drake

It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.

Josh

Why?

Drake

Because you're not there. [walks away]

Josh

Drake! [runs after Drake]

Drake

Man, I don't understand. Why would they end up using my version of the song?

Josh

Like you said, bro. Sometimes, when people play dirty, you gotta play dirty back!

Drake

You put fruit flies in Alan Krim's car?

Josh

Better! I switched the CDs.

Which 1 of you switched the song?

Drake

[feeling bad for being angry and mean to Josh, shares the blame] I did.

Josh

I did.

Drake

We both did! Okay?

Alan

Well, guess what. There's rules and laws about television broadcasting. We can turn you into the FCC for what you did!

Yup, you guys could be in a lot of trouble. [smiles] But you're not.

Drake

We're not?

Alan

They're not?

Josh

What are you?

In the last 24 hours, we've gotten over 30,000 emails and phone calls from fans wanting to buy your song. This morning, we made the song available on the Spin City Website. There were so many downloads, it crashed our server. Drake Parker, I think you're about to have yourself a #1 hit.

Drake

I want the shrimp.

Josh

I want it.

Drake

[snatches the shrimp] I want it!

Vince

[giving a lesson on skydiving] First you're gonna squat. Then your gonna pray, then leap, ahhhh...

Drake

Ahhhh?

Vince

That's what you're gonna yell on the way down.

Drake

Ahh.

Vince

Ahhhh!

Drake

Ahhhh!

Vince

Then, touchdown.

Drake

Touchdown.

Vince

That's S.P.L.A.T..

Drake

That's spelled splat.

Vince

Oh, man.