Dolly quotes from Dinnerladies

Dolly

Why do people have to spit? That ruined Titanic for me, the spitting! The iceberg couldn't come fast enough after I saw that!

Dolly

I hadn't budgeted for chips calorie-wise!

Jean

Last big wedding Keith's Auntie ate a coaster.

Dolly

What?

Jean

Keith's Auntie Margo ate a raffia drinks coaster. She thought it was a high fibre biscuit. She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more.

Anita

I'm really upset. It was me who saw him sitting on the toilet - I think I should have counselling!

Dolly

Counselling! My mother was trapped under a Blackpool tram for four and a half hours - she didn't get counselling. She got a cup of tea and two tickets to Charlie Drake!

Dolly was a beautiful baby, dainty like a little doll, and then WOOF! She looked like a dinghy with plaits.

Dolly

That was puberty.

It was not, it was pies.

Twinkle

(reading the Christmas party invite) What does that mean, sake from six thirty? (pronouncing it sake)

Dolly

Sah-ke!

Twinkle

I'm not being sarky, I'm asking!

Anita

I fancy devorai!

Dolly

As a guest?

Anita

As a fabric for my dress!

Dolly

It sounded like an ethnic boyfriend! Devorai Singh, Devorai Patel...

Tony

Do some flipping work!

Dolly

(reading Tony's get well card) What does that say?

Twinkle

Love Twinkle.

Dolly

We had to practice handwriting when I was at school! The little boy next door can only write his name in macaroni! How's he going to move on to joined up writing?

Bren

He'll have to have a pencil case big enough to hold spaghetti

Stan

Men and women have different brains.

Dolly

Yes, it was in the Daily Mail. Women can't fold maps, and men can't get interested in headboards.

Dolly

Didn't they teach you anything at school?

Twinkle

How to put a condom on a cucumber

Dolly

Honestly, what's the point in that?

Bren

Be fair Dolly there's not many cucumbers that could manage it for themselves

Do you have that yogurt for your intestines?

Dolly

No.

It's advertised with singing bacteria.

Dolly

Where was this?

Well, this was in Carlisle.

Dolly

Well, Carlisle! That's a much more gullible part of the country!

Dolly

Bob's sister, who usually keeps my present pretty much at bath cube level, has upgraded me to a cafetiere!

Bren

You mean you've opened it already?

Dolly

Well, how else do I know what price range I'm batting back against? I'd done her a germicidal hand cream, but no, actually, that's not wasted, I can divert that to the paper boy.

Jean

I got you that two years ago!

Dolly

Did you?! I suppose if I'd been on HRT I would have remembered!

Bren

Tony didn't tear it. It was Martin.

Jean

Ooh, this gets better. Who's Martin? Should we have had a bet on him?

Bren

He's my-

Jean

Calor Gas man?

Dolly

Mother's boyfriend?

Philippa

Chiropodist?

Anita

Stick insect?

Bren

Husband.

Dolly

Bren, we can't toast baguettes on that, can we?

Bren

No, they get stuck.

Dolly

(to her customer) No, they get stuck, thank you! What a question!