Jean quotes from Dinnerladies

Jean

(to Tony and somewhat drunk) Breathe in! Can you smell my Charlie?

Jean

(on the Christmas party) Normally it's a few dodgy pies and a disco. You show up, throw up and bog off home.

Jean

(about the new uniform, which is a pair of green and white striped dungarees). I'm going to look like a bouncy castle. Children are going to line their sandals up and pay a pound to jump on me.

Philippa

Would this be a good moment to talk about Scottish country dancing?

Jean

No it wouldn't!

Tony

I quite like women in a sad, baffled sort of way! But can we get a grip? Out of a workforce of five, at any given moment one will have pre-menstrual tension, one's panicking because she's not, someone's having a hot flush and someone else is having a nervous breakdown because her HRT patch has fallen in the minestrone!

Jean

[Annoyed] That was a one off!

Pressure at work can affect your sex life, they did a questionnaire [reading] "Are you too busy to have an orgasm?"

Jean

Orgasm? I've not blown my nose since Wednesday!

Jean

(to the Stripper) Can you play the accordion?

Well, you could see what a liability that could be naked, might trap a nipple.

Jean

Last big wedding Keith's Auntie ate a coaster.

Dolly

What?

Jean

Keith's Auntie Margo ate a raffia drinks coaster. She thought it was a high fibre biscuit. She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more.

Jean

I thought about trailing greenery for the reception, but Keith's anti-ivy.

Bren

I didn't know Keith had an Auntie Ivy.

Jean

(while looking in the newspaper for a new job) Something like cleaning, light housework, housekeeping. Here's one, light house-keeper wanted.

Bren

(Bren leans over to look at the paper) Lighthouse. Keeper.

Nicola Bodeux

What would happen if I asked for a herbal tea?

Jean

Nothing.

Nicola Bodeux

You mean you wouldn't be fazed by such a request?

Jean

No, I mean you wouldn't get one.

Jean

Where's the cow of catering?

Bren

(showing Jean newspaper) She's gone for this.

Jean

(reading) Size 24 wedding dress never worn

Bren

She's gone to be a lighthouse keeper

Jean

Well we can't all swan about ordering toast. Some of us have personal problems.

Jane

I know we do! But we don't bring them to work! I lost 8 tropical fish last week in a power cut!

Bren

I thought you said he looked like Richard Madeley!

Jean

I meant Richard Whiteley!

Jean

I got you that two years ago!

Dolly

Did you?! I suppose if I'd been on HRT I would have remembered!