Dinnerladies quotes

I fell off a diving board in Guernsey!

Philippa

Would this be a good moment to talk about Scottish country dancing?

Jean

No it wouldn't!

Bren

Twink, what's the soup?

Twinkle

Minestrone

Bren

Why didn't you put it on the menu?

Twinkle

Can't spell it!

Tony

I quite like women in a sad, baffled sort of way! But can we get a grip? Out of a workforce of five, at any given moment one will have pre-menstrual tension, one's panicking because she's not, someone's having a hot flush and someone else is having a nervous breakdown because her HRT patch has fallen in the minestrone!

Jean

[Annoyed] That was a one off!

Pressure at work can affect your sex life, they did a questionnaire [reading] "Are you too busy to have an orgasm?"

Jean

Orgasm? I've not blown my nose since Wednesday!

Jean

(to the Stripper) Can you play the accordion?

Well, you could see what a liability that could be naked, might trap a nipple.

Jean

Last big wedding Keith's Auntie ate a coaster.

Dolly

What?

Jean

Keith's Auntie Margo ate a raffia drinks coaster. She thought it was a high fibre biscuit. She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more.

Jean

I thought about trailing greenery for the reception, but Keith's anti-ivy.

Bren

I didn't know Keith had an Auntie Ivy.

(to Anita) Are you an immigrant?

Philippa

No, Anita's British!

Oh, good. So you don't find it too cold here?

Anita

[crying] I SAID NIPPLES!

How do you feel about wearing a uniform?

Anita

I think we can all see the sense in it, for hygiene. And it protects your nipples!

Tony

(to Twinkle) Do you want to get a job in an upstairs window in Amsterdam, or shall we try and cling on to our slim little foothold in catering?

Where's my Clint?

I've got high blood pressure and water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Bren

Boiling water?

Dolly

Why do people have to spit? That ruined Titanic for me, the spitting! The iceberg couldn't come fast enough after I saw that!