Philippa quotes from Dinnerladies

Philippa

Whifforama!

Philippa

Would this be a good moment to talk about Scottish country dancing?

Jean

No it wouldn't!

(to Anita) Are you an immigrant?

Philippa

No, Anita's British!

Oh, good. So you don't find it too cold here?

Did you get that skirt from a catalogue?

Philippa

No.

Pity. You could have sent it back.

Philippa

You see, music might help in there. What does he like Bren?

Bren

Well he likes the Band of The Grenadier Guards but they'll not fit through the Xpelair!

Philippa

You have to be able to share your needs

Bren

Oh, I hate that word, Needs, what's that other word I can't stand? Ashphalt

Bren

Tony didn't tear it. It was Martin.

Jean

Ooh, this gets better. Who's Martin? Should we have had a bet on him?

Bren

He's my-

Jean

Calor Gas man?

Dolly

Mother's boyfriend?

Philippa

Chiropodist?

Anita

Stick insect?

Bren

Husband.

Dolly

Will you moderate your language please at this very special time? And it would be nice if we could all perhaps spare a thought for the coming of our Lord.

Twinkle

Oh, not him again. We'll be back on Rag, Tag and flipping Bobtail in a minute! Can I just finish me coffee?

Philippa

Never mind your bloody coffee. Get in the bloody bloody bloody frigging car!

Dolly

Now that's enough!

Bren

Yeah that is enough, actually, Philippa. The traffic will be crawling along anyway, 5 minutes isn't going to make any difference, we've been working really hard as well, you know. Now I don't mind how many "bloody"s you pack into a car, two in the front, two in the back, and a "frigging" on the roof rack, but some people find it offensive.

Dolly

Thank you.

Anita

I don't like 'fart face'. Even after 9:00.

Stan

Do you want to know about the traffic? Do you want to know your chances of getting into town this evening in time for HWD Components' once in a lifetime no expense speared Millennium dinner?

Philippa

Please?

Stan

And you don't want it wrapped up? No softening the blow? No words of comfort? No light-hearted little humorous touches?

Philippa

No.

Stan

Here it is, then: there's a riot in the middle of Manchester! There's three naked lads on the roof of The Midland Hotel! Somebody's ramraided the Disney Shop and they've closed the City Centre! They're letting no more cars into town! All the main roads are gridlocked! The Flyover's been coned off, and (approaches Tony) you, and (approaches Jean) you, and (approaches Dolly) you, and (approaches Bren) you, (approaches Philippa) and you are going nowhere!

Philippa

Thank you.

Stan

Don't mention it!

Philippa

Oh, is it going again? No, it's okay. Contact lenses.

Dolly

No, I liked you in glasses.

Philippa

Oh, did you?

Dolly

Hm, they diminished your nostrils.

Jean

I'll tell you about the time Keith's Auntie Dot from Cockermouth found two albino gerbils under the spare bed.

Philippa

Aww. Did they mate?

Jean

Well they didn't, what with them being two angora bed socks.

Philippa

Do you miss your husband Jean/

Jean

Mmm.. I miss the company. I'm not cut out for being on my own. If I say something like 'I'm a fool I left those tomatoes on the back seat.' It's nice if there's someone there going 'have you?'

Philippa

(as she and Tony watch the social worker talking to Bren in the office) Oh, flip. She's patting Bren's hand.

Tony

Is that bad?

Philippa

Fatal. Empathy. Sympathy. Just like the Gestapo. Then WHAM! There you are installing a stair lift!

They did a survey of people who won a lot of money.

Philippa

Did they?

Ruined their lives in some cases.

Tony

Norman?

What?

Tony

Shut the-

Jane

ACHOO!!!!!

Tony

-up!