Bren quotes from Dinnerladies

Bren

That doesn't look right... is there an "e" in arse-ing?

Bren

Twink, what's the soup?

Twinkle

Minestrone

Bren

Why didn't you put it on the menu?

Twinkle

Can't spell it!

Jean

I thought about trailing greenery for the reception, but Keith's anti-ivy.

Bren

I didn't know Keith had an Auntie Ivy.

I've got high blood pressure and water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Bren

Boiling water?

Philippa

You see, music might help in there. What does he like Bren?

Bren

Well he likes the Band of The Grenadier Guards but they'll not fit through the Xpelair!

Philippa

You have to be able to share your needs

Bren

Oh, I hate that word, Needs, what's that other word I can't stand? Ashphalt

Petula

What did Edith Piaf use to say?

Bren

A handbag?

Petula

No, that was Edith Evans! No, it was - non, je ne regrette rien. Rien regriette...

Bren

Who is Babs?

Petula

Babs? She's from Urmston!

Babs

Is it a sit down toilet?

Bren

Yeah

Babs

That's the only sort I go on

Bren

No it is

Jean

(while looking in the newspaper for a new job) Something like cleaning, light housework, housekeeping. Here's one, light house-keeper wanted.

Bren

(Bren leans over to look at the paper) Lighthouse. Keeper.

Dolly

(reading Tony's get well card) What does that say?

Twinkle

Love Twinkle.

Dolly

We had to practice handwriting when I was at school! The little boy next door can only write his name in macaroni! How's he going to move on to joined up writing?

Bren

He'll have to have a pencil case big enough to hold spaghetti

Jean

Where's the cow of catering?

Bren

(showing Jean newspaper) She's gone for this.

Jean

(reading) Size 24 wedding dress never worn

Bren

She's gone to be a lighthouse keeper

Dolly

Didn't they teach you anything at school?

Twinkle

How to put a condom on a cucumber

Dolly

Honestly, what's the point in that?

Bren

Be fair Dolly there's not many cucumbers that could manage it for themselves

Bren

Get your brain round this Jane. That ladder's stuck, Glen's bustin' for a wee, she's got internal staples, she can't bend down, she can't climb over, she can't go in the cold storage room, she can't get down the fire escape, we don't know if we can hacksaw the ladder. You're Glen what do you do?

Jane

Wet myself, it's quicker

Babs

Do you remember where I'm from?

Bren

Urmston.

Babs

No, I'm from Urmston!