Tom Scavo quotes from Desperate Housewives

Tom

...It seems like you're not going to be happy until you drive me out of this marriage just to prove yourself right (Pause)...You know what, forget I said that."

Lynette

It's too late.

Tom

Well, then just consider it something husbands say to their wives.

Lynette

And you don't find it odd that Parker's new friend made her appearance right at the time I went back to work?

Tom

Kids have imaginary friends. It's no big deal.

Lynette

I'll agree with you to a point, when they're flying kangaroos or giant robots, not surrogate mommies.

Tom

Hey. Parker is having a little trouble adjusting. That's all. Apparently, so are you. Honey, don't be so sensitive.

Lynette

I hope you're right. At the risk of sounding too sensitive, how come she gets a bigger portion?

Tom

Okay, listen. Don't worry about it. I'm sure Mrs. Mulberry's around here somewhere.

Lynette

Or, uh, maybe she's not. She could've left. You know... Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help.

Like who?

Lynette

I don't know, it could be a little boy in, uh... England... named Spencer?

Tom

Lynette?

Lynette

I mean, this is conjecture on my part. But it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more, because he doesn't have a daddy and a mommy who love him. Yeah, that's it. He's a orphan. with no hands! Okay? (Tom's face becoming dark)

Lynette

(crying) Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world.

Tom

Honey, he is going to get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day when he is all grown up, you and Parker are going to laugh hysterically about this.

Lynette

You really think so? Really?

Tom

I promise.

So, the pig actually eats the bacon?

Tom Scavo

Uh, huh, yeah.

I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.

Lynette Scavo

Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.

What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?

Tom Scavo

More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.

You were Greek?

Tom Scavo

Alpha Tau Omega.

I was Phi Kap.

Tom Scavo

You?

And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.

Tom Scavo

Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.

Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.

Lynette

Yep. Go ahead, say it. I know you want to.

Tom

This is all your fault. You should've listened to me.

Tom

You tell people Frankenstein's on the loose, then you're surprised to see the torch-wielding villagers?

Lynette

Hey, chill out. You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnant.

Tom

Uh, excuse me. You were hitting people.

Lynette

Only two. And the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up again.

Tom

"I never thought you'd want a fifth kid."

Lynette

"I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me."

Tom

"Surely you can control five little kids."

Karen McCluskey

"Can I beat them?"

Tom

"No."

Karen McCluskey

"Then my hands are tied."

[Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.

[they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?

Lynette Scavo

It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.

Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.

And for you and you.

These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.

Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.

We're eight.

What do I care?

Lynette Scavo

Just say thank you.

[pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?

[looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!

[to Lynette] Oh, is that Tom's little B-a-s-t-a...

Tom Scavo

OK, kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.

Tom Scavo

Ok, now you're scaring me.

Lynette Scavo

Why?

Tom Scavo

Look at yourself. You've declared jihad on a possum.

Lynette Scavo

This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand by. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me!

Tom Scavo

OK. You do what you need to do.

Lynette Scavo

Thank you.

Lynette Scavo

You're probably right, it's just, did you know Porter writes poetry?

Tom Scavo

Seriously?

Mom, please do something.

Tom

You said that you were behind me 100 percent.

I can help you study if you want.

Tom Scavo

I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese.

Lynette Scavo

I'm so proud. Porter, aren't you gonna congratulate your father?

Lynette

Guys, you need to grow up and learn to be independent and that's gonna start with you getting your own place!

And how are we gonna pay for it?

Tom

If you turn that paper over, you'll find a whole section of people willing to exchange money for something called WORK!