Michelle quotes from Derry Girls

Michelle

(accepting a teddy bear from a Protestant boy) I’m going to keep mine on my bed, where I sleep. In me knickers.

Erin

Who owns the fella?

Michelle

Me. Well, come on, then, ball-ache. Are you introducing yourself, or what?

James

Hi. I’m Michelle’s cousin, James.

Orla

Why’s he making that funny noise?

Michelle

He’s English, Orla. That’s the way they talk. He’s my Auntie Kathy’s wean. I told you about my Auntie Kathy. She went to England years ago to have an abortion. Never came back. Never got the abortion, either. Lucky for you, James, eh? Ha!

James

I didn’t actually know that.

James

What’s going on?

Michelle

I don’t know. But do you think if I told him I had an incendiary device down my knickers, he’d have a look?

Erin

Michelle, he’s a soldier.

Michelle

Ach, some of them are rides. I’m willing to admit it, even if nobody else will, because I’m a beacon of truth, Erin.

Erin

You’re a mouth, that’s what you are.

Erin

Please, Michelle.

Michelle

No. I have no interest in David Donnelly’s spazzmo band. (eating Quavers)

Clare

They look nice.

Erin

I can’t go on my own.

Clare

Are they nice?

Michelle

Bring Bobby Sands.

Clare

Sure, how could I go? I’m so weak I can barely walk.

Michelle

What about Orla?

Erin

Orla’s…

Orla

I love my wee fingers.

Erin

Orla’s mental. Come on, Michelle. I’m begging you. It’s my big chance with David. I’d do it for you.

Michelle

Fine! But we both know you’re gonna just sit in the corner like a frigid fuck.

Erin

I’m not frigid.

Orla

You’ve never even kissed a boy before. You practice on your pillow sometimes, but you don’t think that’s the same.

Erin

The reading of the diary was bad enough. I could do without the quoting it from memory.

James

Michelle, would you mind showing me where the toilet is?

Michelle

You are really starting to do my head in, do you know that?

Will the following pupils please report to Sister Michael’s office immediately? Erin Quinn, Orla McCool, Clare Devlin, Michelle Mallon, and the wee English fella. Thank you.

Michelle

I wonder what that could be about.

Erin

So, firstly we have the tutoring. And out of everyone, I thought you might be best suited to that, Clare, because--

Clare

I’m the brightest.

Erin

Well, in that conventional sort of way, I suppose. There’s also some babysitting. The child will be in bed, so you should just about be able to manage that, Michelle.

Michelle

Oh, thanks. And you should just about be able to manage this.

Erin

Always the lady. There’s also some gardening, mowing a lawn, et cetera. This will require a bit of muscle, so… you should take that one, Orla.

James

No, I should do that one. It’s a man’s job, Erin. I’m a man.

Michelle

That’s debatable.

James

Well, I’m more of a man than Orla.

Orla

I do not accept that.

James

Come on, Erin.

Erin

Fine. So that leaves dog-walking and washing a car.

Orla

Is it a Renault Clio?

Erin

No.

Orla

I’ll take the dogs.

Erin

Okay.

Erin

Let’s go to work.

Michelle

All right?

Michelle

Boo!

Clare

Where’d you get all this?

Michelle

Fionnula’s cupboard. I think she might have a bit of a problem.

Erin

You think Fionnula might have a bit of a problem? Put it away and get back downstairs, now.

Michelle

Sit yourselves down. Have a wee drink.

Clare

No, Michelle. It’s wrong.

Michelle

So are those ski pants, Clare, but that didn’t stop you pulling them over your hole this morning. Wait for it. (She starts lighting the alcohol as a flaming shots)

Clare

Michelle!

Michelle

Don’t be such a shower of bore bags. (She carries the flaming shots) Sláinte, motherfuckers.

Erin

No, no, no, no!

Michelle

Fuck, fuck, fuck! (She accidentally drops the flaming shots on the floor which makes the fire spreads on the floor to the curtains)

Erin

Why would two gunmen break into a chippy?

James

Ah! That really hurt.

Michelle

You’re such a pussy.

Erin

What were they looking for?

Orla

Chips, obviously.

Mary Quinn

They were looking for the keys to the van. Keep up, Erin.

Aunt Sarah

Do you think we should knock them about a bit?

Mary Quinn

No.

Aunt Sarah

Nothing drastic. Just a few slaps.

Mary Quinn

I said no, Sarah.

Aunt Sarah

What, not even the wee gay fella?

James

I’m not gay.

Mary Quinn

Okay, that should do it. Ready?

Clare

I hate to be a health and safety stickler, but surely you’re not actually planning on leaving us like this, are you?

Mary Quinn

(whispering) Back door. Back door. Back door. Hurry up.

Clare

(gasps)

Mary Quinn

(whispering) Push it, push it.

Aunt Sarah

I’m pushing! I’m pushing it!

Mary Quinn

Hurry up!

Aunt Sarah

It’s locked!

What the fuck’s going on here, exactly?!

Mary Quinn

Okay… Um, all right. Well, what happened was… (pointing to Michelle) Michelle was carrying this scented candle…

Granda Joe

It’s just not as nice.

Clare

Sweet suffering Jesus. It’s the morning already?! What are we gonna do?

Michelle

Well maybe we could start with calming the fuck down.

Clare

Calm down? We’re still on William of Orange, Michelle! We haven’t so much looked at the famine!

Michelle

We’ve got the gist. They ran out of spuds. Everyone was raging.

James

Well, I can’t tell my rebellions from my risings.

Michelle

And whose fault’s that? If your lot had stopped invading us for five fucking minutes, there’d be a lot less to wade through! You English prick.

Erin

It’s abuse. That’s what it is. It’s abusive. Does anybody have 10p? I’m ringing Childline.

Michelle

You can’t ring Childline every time your ma threatens to kill you, Erin.

Clare

Yeah, you can’t waste Esther’s time like that.

Michelle

And anyway, you’re not alone We’re all gonna fail. We’re all gonna get our holes kicked, and we’re all in the same boat.

Clare

I don’t wanna be in that boat! I wanna be in a different boat, sailing down a totally different river!

James

Guys, all we can do is try our best.

Michelle

Ach, don’t be such a fruit, James!

Erin

Oh, my God! Look!

Erin

Doesn’t that dog look like Toto?

James

Oh, I suppose it does a bit, yeah.

Erin

Looks exactly like him. Here, boy! (running over to him) Come here, boy! Here, boy! Come here, boy! Here, boy! Come here! Here, boy! Here, boy!

Father Peter

Directly before the weeping, can you remember what you were doing, what you were talking about?

Michelle

I remember that James was being a dick.

Sister Michael

Miss Mallon.

Michelle

I don’t like to use that word, Sister, but it’s so hard to describe James any other way, ‘cause he’s just such a dick.

Father Peter

I don’t think you’re a dick, James.

James

Really?

Father Peter

Really. And you know who else doesn’t think you’re a dick? Our Lord.

Sister Michael

For feck’s sake.

Michelle

How do you know Our Lord doesn’t think he’s a dick?

Father Peter

Our Lord doesn’t think anyone’s a dick.

Michelle

I very much doubt that.

Erin

So, Katya, I’ve done a bit of an itinerary for your stay. You should have received a copy in my last letter.

Katya

I don’t read your letters, Erin.

Erin

I’m sorry? I don’t follow.

Katya

Your letters, they bore.

Erin

They’re boring.

Katya

Exactly.

Erin

That’s not what I--

Katya

I can smoke here, yes?

Erin

No. No, you can’t. Mammy’s like a bloodhound.

Michelle

Your ma said we could come up and have a look at the Russian.

Erin

Ukrainian.

Michelle

Is this her?

Orla

Isn’t she cracker? She’s half mine.

Erin

No, she’s not, Orla.

Orla

Aye, she is. Mammy said so.

Michelle

You’re so lucky, Erin. I begged my ma to let me have one, but she said we’ve no room now that my dickhead, ball-bag, English prick of a cousin’s moved in. Talking about you, James, in case you’re wondering.

James

Yeah, that much was clear. Thank you, Michelle.

Michelle

Have you seen the one Jenny Joyce got, the fella? Massive, massive ride. I’ve been thinking. Maybe time for me to lose the rest of my virginity. And he’s definitely a contender. You help me. You put in good word with your Cossack friend. So we can… (makes squishing sounds)

Erin

Would you stop that?

Clare

I’m very sorry for all your trouble, you know, the whole hoo-ha at the power plant.

Katya

Okay.

Clare

When you think about it, we’ve actually got a lot in common ‘cause we understand what it’s like to be a young person from a troubled place.

Katya

Hm, it is not the same. Chernobyl was terrible nuclear accident. You people like to fight each other, and, to be honest, no person really understands why.

Erin

Well, there’s actually a political element to it, Katya, and there’s a religious element.

Katya

But you’re not two different religions here. You’re different flavours of same religion, no?

Erin

Well, yes, but… It’s a little bit more complicated than that, Katya.

Katya

To me, is stupid.

Clare

Oh, my God. It is stupid. It is so, so stupid.

Katya

Who is this?

Erin

Oh, that’s just James.

Katya

You are handsome.

James

(gasps)

Katya

And also sexy.

Michelle

Is her English not great?

Clare

What’s happening?

Erin

Why would she do that? Why?

Michelle

Fuck knows. He’s minging.

Orla

She seems to be really enjoying it.

Erin

Is he enjoying it?

Michelle

It’s hard to tell.

Clare

Well, if he’s not enjoying it, isn’t that sort of sexual harassment?

Erin

Yeah, we should put a stop to it.

Clare

Aye.

Orla

Does anyone want a Fruit Pastille?

Michelle

Shh! You’ll scare Clive.

Erin

Who’s Clive?

Michelle

Clive. Clive is a wee Prod from East Belfast. Clive came back from Ibiza, got on the wrong bus at Aldergrove Airport, then fell asleep. Clive woke up in Derry, surrounded by Russians and Fenians. Clive is absolutely shitting himself.

Erin

So where's the real Artem?

Michelle

Giant’s Causeway, probably. Foreigners fucking love the Giant’s Causeway.

Mary Quinn

Okay, I’m going in. (Deirdre Mallon knocks at the door) For the love of God, don’t come in here!

Everything all right, Mary?

Mary Quinn

Stay back, Deirdre. This is the death trap.

Listen, Mary, I hate to do this to you, but me and Martin are both working nights, and I’m nervous about leaving these two on their own, what with the day that’s in it. I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could take them with you?

Mary Quinn

Ach, away, Deirdre, it’s just--

The English thing? Listen, Mary, I understand. I mean, he’s my nephew, and even I find it hard to get past. If I’m totally honest, there’s times when I look at him and I feel… Well… it’s pure hatred. I’ll not dress it up.

Mary Quinn

No, no, it’s not the English thing.

I hope to God it’s not the gay thing you’re offended by.

James

There is no gay thing.

Because I’d be disappointed in you, Mary. I’ll not lie.

Mary Quinn

Of course not. I mean, if anything, the gay thing sort of cancels out the English thing.

James

Again, no gay thing.

Michelle

You wouldn’t move over there, James? I can’t see past your massive closet.

Mary Quinn

I’m just not sure we’ll have room in the caravan.

Granda Joe

It’ll be grand. Us men can camp outside.

Gerry Quinn

Oh, God.

James

Oh, God.

Granda Joe

Run and ask Jim across the road for the lend of his tent.

Well, thanks a million, Mary. I owe you one. You know, if you want our Ryan to sort that gable wall of yours out, you’ve only to ask.

Mary Quinn

What’s wrong with our gable wall?

Erin

You can’t marry an Orangeman, Michelle.

Michelle

That’s a pity, ‘cause I think there’s something really sexy about the fact that they hate us so much.

Michelle

Read all about the wee dyke.

Erin

We will not be censored!

Orla

Lesbians really do exist!

James

I support gays, even though I, myself, am not actually gay!

Erin

Come on, Clare.

Clare

I don’t wanna get involved. I’m sorry.

Erin

Coward!