Clare quotes from Derry Girls

Clare

What’s all this? I thought we were going to be individuals this year.

Erin

Look, I wanted to, Clare, but my Ma wouldn’t let me.

Clare

Well, I’m not being individual on my own!

Erin

Please, Michelle.

Michelle

No. I have no interest in David Donnelly’s spazzmo band. (eating Quavers)

Clare

They look nice.

Erin

I can’t go on my own.

Clare

Are they nice?

Michelle

Bring Bobby Sands.

Clare

Sure, how could I go? I’m so weak I can barely walk.

Michelle

What about Orla?

Erin

Orla’s…

Orla

I love my wee fingers.

Erin

Orla’s mental. Come on, Michelle. I’m begging you. It’s my big chance with David. I’d do it for you.

Michelle

Fine! But we both know you’re gonna just sit in the corner like a frigid fuck.

Erin

I’m not frigid.

Orla

You’ve never even kissed a boy before. You practice on your pillow sometimes, but you don’t think that’s the same.

Erin

The reading of the diary was bad enough. I could do without the quoting it from memory.

James

Michelle, would you mind showing me where the toilet is?

Michelle

You are really starting to do my head in, do you know that?

Will the following pupils please report to Sister Michael’s office immediately? Erin Quinn, Orla McCool, Clare Devlin, Michelle Mallon, and the wee English fella. Thank you.

Michelle

I wonder what that could be about.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Sister. How long does it take to defuse a fecking bomb? Sure the wee robots do all the work. Oh, killing nuns now, is it?

Clare

I didn’t, Daddy!

You wait until your mother hears about this.

Erin

Any luck with the trust fund?

Clare

No. According to my mam, we’re actually quite poor.

Erin

Aye, I think we might be as well.

Clare

You will never guess what she’s done this time, Erin.

Erin

Did she nick the noticeboard from the chip shop, Clare?

Erin

So, firstly we have the tutoring. And out of everyone, I thought you might be best suited to that, Clare, because--

Clare

I’m the brightest.

Erin

Well, in that conventional sort of way, I suppose. There’s also some babysitting. The child will be in bed, so you should just about be able to manage that, Michelle.

Michelle

Oh, thanks. And you should just about be able to manage this.

Erin

Always the lady. There’s also some gardening, mowing a lawn, et cetera. This will require a bit of muscle, so… you should take that one, Orla.

James

No, I should do that one. It’s a man’s job, Erin. I’m a man.

Michelle

That’s debatable.

James

Well, I’m more of a man than Orla.

Orla

I do not accept that.

James

Come on, Erin.

Erin

Fine. So that leaves dog-walking and washing a car.

Orla

Is it a Renault Clio?

Erin

No.

Orla

I’ll take the dogs.

Erin

Okay.

Erin

Let’s go to work.

Clare

It’s slave labor, Erin!

Orla

It’s worse than slave labor. We’re not even getting paid!

Michelle

All right?

Michelle

Boo!

Clare

Where’d you get all this?

Michelle

Fionnula’s cupboard. I think she might have a bit of a problem.

Erin

You think Fionnula might have a bit of a problem? Put it away and get back downstairs, now.

Michelle

Sit yourselves down. Have a wee drink.

Clare

No, Michelle. It’s wrong.

Michelle

So are those ski pants, Clare, but that didn’t stop you pulling them over your hole this morning. Wait for it. (She starts lighting the alcohol as a flaming shots)

Clare

Michelle!

Michelle

Don’t be such a shower of bore bags. (She carries the flaming shots) Sláinte, motherfuckers.

Erin

No, no, no, no!

Michelle

Fuck, fuck, fuck! (She accidentally drops the flaming shots on the floor which makes the fire spreads on the floor to the curtains)

Erin

Why would two gunmen break into a chippy?

James

Ah! That really hurt.

Michelle

You’re such a pussy.

Erin

What were they looking for?

Orla

Chips, obviously.

Mary Quinn

They were looking for the keys to the van. Keep up, Erin.

Aunt Sarah

Do you think we should knock them about a bit?

Mary Quinn

No.

Aunt Sarah

Nothing drastic. Just a few slaps.

Mary Quinn

I said no, Sarah.

Aunt Sarah

What, not even the wee gay fella?

James

I’m not gay.

Mary Quinn

Okay, that should do it. Ready?

Clare

I hate to be a health and safety stickler, but surely you’re not actually planning on leaving us like this, are you?

Mary Quinn

(whispering) Back door. Back door. Back door. Hurry up.

Clare

(gasps)

Mary Quinn

(whispering) Push it, push it.

Aunt Sarah

I’m pushing! I’m pushing it!

Mary Quinn

Hurry up!

Aunt Sarah

It’s locked!

What the fuck’s going on here, exactly?!

Mary Quinn

Okay… Um, all right. Well, what happened was… (pointing to Michelle) Michelle was carrying this scented candle…

Granda Joe

It’s just not as nice.

Clare

Sweet suffering Jesus. It’s the morning already?! What are we gonna do?

Michelle

Well maybe we could start with calming the fuck down.

Clare

Calm down? We’re still on William of Orange, Michelle! We haven’t so much looked at the famine!

Michelle

We’ve got the gist. They ran out of spuds. Everyone was raging.

James

Well, I can’t tell my rebellions from my risings.

Michelle

And whose fault’s that? If your lot had stopped invading us for five fucking minutes, there’d be a lot less to wade through! You English prick.

Erin

It’s abuse. That’s what it is. It’s abusive. Does anybody have 10p? I’m ringing Childline.

Michelle

You can’t ring Childline every time your ma threatens to kill you, Erin.

Clare

Yeah, you can’t waste Esther’s time like that.

Michelle

And anyway, you’re not alone We’re all gonna fail. We’re all gonna get our holes kicked, and we’re all in the same boat.

Clare

I don’t wanna be in that boat! I wanna be in a different boat, sailing down a totally different river!

James

Guys, all we can do is try our best.

Michelle

Ach, don’t be such a fruit, James!

Erin

Oh, my God! Look!

Erin

Doesn’t that dog look like Toto?

James

Oh, I suppose it does a bit, yeah.

Erin

Looks exactly like him. Here, boy! (running over to him) Come here, boy! Here, boy! Come here, boy! Here, boy! Come here! Here, boy! Here, boy!

Erin

So, Katya, I’ve done a bit of an itinerary for your stay. You should have received a copy in my last letter.

Katya

I don’t read your letters, Erin.

Erin

I’m sorry? I don’t follow.

Katya

Your letters, they bore.

Erin

They’re boring.

Katya

Exactly.

Erin

That’s not what I--

Katya

I can smoke here, yes?

Erin

No. No, you can’t. Mammy’s like a bloodhound.

Michelle

Your ma said we could come up and have a look at the Russian.

Erin

Ukrainian.

Michelle

Is this her?

Orla

Isn’t she cracker? She’s half mine.

Erin

No, she’s not, Orla.

Orla

Aye, she is. Mammy said so.

Michelle

You’re so lucky, Erin. I begged my ma to let me have one, but she said we’ve no room now that my dickhead, ball-bag, English prick of a cousin’s moved in. Talking about you, James, in case you’re wondering.

James

Yeah, that much was clear. Thank you, Michelle.

Michelle

Have you seen the one Jenny Joyce got, the fella? Massive, massive ride. I’ve been thinking. Maybe time for me to lose the rest of my virginity. And he’s definitely a contender. You help me. You put in good word with your Cossack friend. So we can… (makes squishing sounds)

Erin

Would you stop that?

Clare

I’m very sorry for all your trouble, you know, the whole hoo-ha at the power plant.

Katya

Okay.

Clare

When you think about it, we’ve actually got a lot in common ‘cause we understand what it’s like to be a young person from a troubled place.

Katya

Hm, it is not the same. Chernobyl was terrible nuclear accident. You people like to fight each other, and, to be honest, no person really understands why.

Erin

Well, there’s actually a political element to it, Katya, and there’s a religious element.

Katya

But you’re not two different religions here. You’re different flavours of same religion, no?

Erin

Well, yes, but… It’s a little bit more complicated than that, Katya.

Katya

To me, is stupid.

Clare

Oh, my God. It is stupid. It is so, so stupid.

Katya

Who is this?

Erin

Oh, that’s just James.

Katya

You are handsome.

James

(gasps)

Katya

And also sexy.

Michelle

Is her English not great?

Clare

What’s happening?

Erin

Why would she do that? Why?

Michelle

Fuck knows. He’s minging.

Orla

She seems to be really enjoying it.

Erin

Is he enjoying it?

Michelle

It’s hard to tell.

Clare

Well, if he’s not enjoying it, isn’t that sort of sexual harassment?

Erin

Yeah, we should put a stop to it.

Clare

Aye.

Orla

Does anyone want a Fruit Pastille?

Michelle

Read all about the wee dyke.

Erin

We will not be censored!

Orla

Lesbians really do exist!

James

I support gays, even though I, myself, am not actually gay!

Erin

Come on, Clare.

Clare

I don’t wanna get involved. I’m sorry.

Erin

Coward!

Aunt Sarah

Will any of your crowd be going, love?

Clare

My crowd?

Aunt Sarah

Or can you not get Protestant lesbians?

Clare

No, I think you can get them all right, it’s just…

Granda Joe

I heard that k.d. lang on the radio yesterday. Christ, but she’s some set of pipes on her. You’re a very talented people.

Clare

Thank you?

Michelle

We’re doing it for peace, all right, Mary. A piece of that fine Protestant ass!

Clare

God, you are such a hypocrite, Erin.

Erin

No, I’m not. I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with some cross-community… Fiddling…relations.

Orla

So, we need to head south-east for 0.5 Miles and you’ll receive further instructions shortly.

Michelle

We haven’t even left the estate yet, Orla. These Prods have some serious moves up their sleeves, you know. They’re not as fucked up about sex as we are. They’ve put the work in, they know what they’re doing.

Clare

They’re people, Michelle! They’re not sex toys!

Michelle

I beg to differ.

James

I’m really looking forward to making friends with some lads.

Michelle

Lads aren’t going to make friends with you, James. Lads make friends with other lads.

James

I am a lad.

Erin

Aye, so you are, James.

Clare

Okay, how much money do we have?

Michelle

Look, the riding of the Protestants is one thing, but I really don’t see why we have to buy them a present. I mean they already have all the land, all the jobs and all the fucking rights.

Erin

Aye, Michelle, that’s definitely the attitude we should have entering into this weekend.