Sister Michael quotes from Derry Girls

Sister Michael

On Monday morning, several of our Year 13s will face their GCSE maths resit. Now, I know how daunting resit examinations can be, so if anyone is feeling anxious or worried, or even if you just want to chat, please, please, do not come crying to me.

Sister Michael

(on the phone) Could you put me through to Sister Thomas, please? Tommy! How are you? Yeah, not too bad. A retreat? (tuts) I dunno. I have judo on Friday. Don’t like to miss it. Now, I’ll tell you why I’m ringing you. So we’ve had an alleged apparition here this morning. Well, it’s in the weeping statue category. Sure, I know. Yeah, apparently there was a smirk as well. (chuckles) I mean, I’m not sure what Our Lady of the Sorrows has to be smirking about, but that’s by the by.

Sister Michael

(after a choral performance) Lovely, altogether. You know, every year I sit backstage listening to the singers and it really makes me realize just how talented the professionals who originally recorded these tracks were.

Sister Michael

Miss Cheung’s family have recently moved here to Derry so I hope you’ll all make her feel very welcome. It’s bound to be a bit of a culture shock, Mae. Things are done differently in this part of the world. But I’m sure you’ll soon feel as at home here as you did back in your beloved Donegal.

Sister Michael

Obviously, Sister Declan’s death was extremely shocking and unexpected. We’re still struggling to understand exactly what happened.

Erin

Yeah? Can I just ask, what age was Sister Declan?

Sister Michael

She’d have been 98 on Friday.

Erin

Right. Might that shed some light on the situation?

Sister Michael

How so?

Erin

Does anybody else have any thoughts on the whole “her being almost 98 years of age” thing?

Granda Joe

Struck down in her prime.

Father Peter

Directly before the weeping, can you remember what you were doing, what you were talking about?

Michelle

I remember that James was being a dick.

Sister Michael

Miss Mallon.

Michelle

I don’t like to use that word, Sister, but it’s so hard to describe James any other way, ‘cause he’s just such a dick.

Father Peter

I don’t think you’re a dick, James.

James

Really?

Father Peter

Really. And you know who else doesn’t think you’re a dick? Our Lord.

Sister Michael

For feck’s sake.

Michelle

How do you know Our Lord doesn’t think he’s a dick?

Father Peter

Our Lord doesn’t think anyone’s a dick.

Michelle

I very much doubt that.

Mary Quinn

I also have a question, pretty boy. Why are you encouraging all this?

Father Peter

I wouldn’t say I’m encouraging it, I’m just open to the possibility.

Mary Quinn

Well, I’m not. Not unless I see some cold, hard evidence.

Father Peter

And maybe it’s there. Proof at last, Peter, proof at last.

Mary Quinn

Is he all right?

Sister Michael

I wouldn’t say so, no. He’s a priest, like.

Sister Michael

I’ve just received a phone call from Louise Kerr’s mother, and it’s not looking great.

Jenny Joyce

Oh, God, I just can’t believe it.

Sister Michael

It’s unlikely she’ll be returning to school before the end of the year, so I think the only thing we can do now is --

Aisling

Pray for her?

Sister Michael

No. What use would that do? No, I think the best thing we can do is decide who will fulfil the role of editor now.

Jenny Joyce

Sister Michael, some of us have actually already discussed this eventuality, and the thing is, well, nobody is comfortable stepping into Louise’s shoes.

Aisling

It feels a bit, sort of, disrespectful.

Jenny Joyce

We think this issue should be cancelled.

Sister Michael

Well, fair enough, if nobody is willing to take her place.

Erin

I’ll do it.

Jenny Joyce

Excuse me?

Erin

I’ll take her place. I’ll step into her shoes. I’ll do it.

Sister Michael

Really?

Erin

Absolutely.

Jenny Joyce

No, you can’t. We are making a statement. You’re ruining our statement!

Erin

Look, girls, I know Louise meant a lot to you all.

Jenny Joyce

She’s not dead, Erin!

Erin

Well, not yet. Hopefully she won’t, you know, die, but if she does, the show must go on! Isn’t that right, Sister Michael?

Sister Michael

You terrify me.

Jenny Joyce

You can’t be the editor!

Aisling

You’ve never even written an article, Erin.

Erin

That’s because I can’t get anything past Rupert Murdoch over there!

Jenny Joyce

This isn’t fair. You can’t let it happen, Sister!

Sister Michael

I know. But I’m bored now, so it looks like I probably will. Good luck, all.

Father Peter

As some of you may know, I took a bit of a sabbatical last year.

Michelle

Do you mean when you shacked up with a slutty hairdresser but then she dumped you?

Sister Michael

Miss Mallon, please! Raise your hand if you want to ask a question.

Father Peter

Okay, I think we should just move on.

Sister Michael

The hairdresser certainly did.

She’s coming!

Michelle

Who?

The woman. The small angry penguin woman.

Michelle

Sister Michael! Shit!

Erin

Oh, good evening, Sister. We just popped round because we had a few questions about the British Empire, which the boys have cleared up for us now, so…

Jenny Joyce

They weren’t talking about the British Empire, Sister. They were having a party. I could hear the music.

Sister Michael

You will go far in life, Jenny. But you will not be well liked.

Sister Michael

Sadly, Sister Patrick has decided to leave us. She’s returning to her missionary work, educating the heathen inhabitants of a primitive and savage place.

She’s taken a teaching post in Belfast, Sister.

Sister Michael

Precisely.

Sister Michael

Father Thomas usually deals with the wakes, but he’s very sick at the moment. Bedridden, in fact.

Gerry Quinn

God! What caused it?

Sister Michael

Jack Daniels, mostly.

Uncle Colm

And now, I don’t mind a bit of a breeze – if anything, I prefer it – but thon was aggressive. So I says to myself, says I, “Colm, this is no day for a do.”

Sister Michael

What’s happening?

Uncle Colm

For when the bride arrived – and as I say, by this stage the wind was fierce –

Sister Michael

Am I dead?

Uncle Colm

I’ve never heard wind like it.

Sister Michael

Is this my wake?

Uncle Colm

Howling like a banshee, it was.

Sister Michael

Am I in hell?

Uncle Colm

So the poor girl, the bride now, this is, she arrives anyway, and isn’t she no sooner out of the car than she’s lifted up in the air like a paper doll, and blown into a flowerbed.

Sister Michael

That’s actually quite funny.

Clare

(clears her throat)

Sister Michael

Here we go.

Clare

Ah! Sister Michael. Hi.

Sister Michael

Clare.

Clare

I wasn’t sure you saw me.

Sister Michael

No, no, I did.

Clare

Right. (thinking for a moment) Heading to Portrush?

Sister Michael

Yep.

Clare

Anything nice planned?

Sister Michael

No.

Clare

Okay.

(talking to Conor on her phone) I just don’t see the point. Can we just move on? All right, Conor. The truth is, you never satisfied me sexually.

Clare

Oh, please no.