ErinI won’t put up with it anymore. Teenagers have rights now, you know.
Erin
They do, Ma. It’s true. Sure, Macaulay Culkin might be divorcing his parents.
Do you hear this? This’ll be someone she met at that stupid summer scheme you insisted we send her on. Her bloody “Friends Across the Barricades” thing. I have nothing against Protestants, I’m all for integration, I am, but if they’re letting their weans divorce them…
Erin
Macaulay Culkin isn’t a Protestant, Ma.
It’s only gonna give our weans ideas.
Erin
Well, he might be. I didn’t meet him at Friends Across the Barricades.
I don’t care where you met him. You’re not to see him again. Understood?
Them weans shouldn’t have to take the bus to school. You should be driving them, you useless shite.
Work? (chuckles) Is that what you call it?
Why don’t you just leave my Mary alone?
Because we’ve been married for 17 years, Joe. We have two children. And because we’re in love with each other.
Erin
Oh, boke.
I’ll find some dirt on you yet, boy. I’ve got people working on it.
Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m not enjoying this bomb.
Disgusting and disgraceful. I have an appointment in Tropicana at 12:00. Fifteen minutes in the stand up. But sure I’ll not get over the bridge at this rate. It’s going to play havoc with my build-up. This is what they want. They want ordinary people to suffer. This is what it’s all about.
Erin
I’m pretty sure interfering with your sunbed sessions isn’t very high up on anyone’s political agenda, Aunt Sarah.
What’s all this? I thought we were going to be individuals this year.
Erin
Look, I wanted to, Clare, but my Ma wouldn’t let me.
Well, I’m not being individual on my own!
Erin
Who owns the fella?
Me. Well, come on, then, ball-ache. Are you introducing yourself, or what?
Hi. I’m Michelle’s cousin, James.
Why’s he making that funny noise?
He’s English, Orla. That’s the way they talk. He’s my Auntie Kathy’s wean. I told you about my Auntie Kathy. She went to England years ago to have an abortion. Never came back. Never got the abortion, either. Lucky for you, James, eh? Ha!
I didn’t actually know that.
I don’t know. But do you think if I told him I had an incendiary device down my knickers, he’d have a look?
Erin
Michelle, he’s a soldier.
Ach, some of them are rides. I’m willing to admit it, even if nobody else will, because I’m a beacon of truth, Erin.
Erin
You’re a mouth, that’s what you are.
Erin
Please, Michelle.
No. I have no interest in David Donnelly’s spazzmo band. (eating Quavers)
Erin
I can’t go on my own.
Sure, how could I go? I’m so weak I can barely walk.
Erin
Orla’s…
Erin
Orla’s mental. Come on, Michelle. I’m begging you. It’s my big chance with David. I’d do it for you.
Fine! But we both know you’re gonna just sit in the corner like a frigid fuck.
Erin
I’m not frigid.
You’ve never even kissed a boy before. You practice on your pillow sometimes, but you don’t think that’s the same.
Erin
The reading of the diary was bad enough. I could do without the quoting it from memory.
Michelle, would you mind showing me where the toilet is?
You are really starting to do my head in, do you know that?
WWoman
Will the following pupils please report to Sister Michael’s office immediately? Erin Quinn, Orla McCool, Clare Devlin, Michelle Mallon, and the wee English fella. Thank you.
I wonder what that could be about.
Obviously, Sister Declan’s death was extremely shocking and unexpected. We’re still struggling to understand exactly what happened.
Erin
Yeah? Can I just ask, what age was Sister Declan?
She’d have been 98 on Friday.
Erin
Right. Might that shed some light on the situation?
Erin
Does anybody else have any thoughts on the whole “her being almost 98 years of age” thing?
Struck down in her prime.
There was a knock at the door, this must have been, ach, we’re talking eight, half eight, for I was halfway through me dinner. And up I got to open it, and there they both were, large as life. And the taller fella, though, to be fair, there was no more than an inch in it.
The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he, “Do you know who we are?”
How’s a body supposed to enjoy his dinner?
And I says to him, says I, “Well, I can’t be sure now, but maybe if you took off the balaclavas.” And then he says to me, the slightly taller fella does, he says, “Step aside. We are armed.”
And that’s when the smaller fella, although, as I say, we are talking an inch…
Erin
Mammy, make it stop.
…an inch and a half at most.
He has the bright idea of tying me to the radiator, you see. And I remember saying to myself, says I, “Colm, it’s a good job you have the Economy 7 on the old timer, or you’d be roasted here.”
Did you go for the Economy 7 in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield?
For the love of God, Sarah, no diversions, please.
Aye, come on, let’s pick it up. They tied you to the heater.
They did indeed. And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with me new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the--
Well, it was one of the two. He’s looking for the keys to the van, all ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise lounge and all sorts. By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.
Colm, they didn’t borrow your van. They stole your van, used it to move arms across the border, and then they blew it up.
Aye. Nightmare altogether.
Erin
So, firstly we have the tutoring. And out of everyone, I thought you might be best suited to that, Clare, because--
Erin
Well, in that conventional sort of way, I suppose. There’s also some babysitting. The child will be in bed, so you should just about be able to manage that, Michelle.
Oh, thanks. And you should just about be able to manage this.
Erin
Always the lady. There’s also some gardening, mowing a lawn, et cetera. This will require a bit of muscle, so… you should take that one, Orla.
No, I should do that one. It’s a man’s job, Erin. I’m a man.
Well, I’m more of a man than Orla.
Erin
Fine. So that leaves dog-walking and washing a car.
Erin
No.
Erin
Okay.
Erin
Let’s go to work.
Where’d you get all this?
Fionnula’s cupboard. I think she might have a bit of a problem.
Erin
You think Fionnula might have a bit of a problem? Put it away and get back downstairs, now.
Sit yourselves down. Have a wee drink.
No, Michelle. It’s wrong.
So are those ski pants, Clare, but that didn’t stop you pulling them over your hole this morning. Wait for it. (She starts lighting the alcohol as a flaming shots)
Don’t be such a shower of bore bags. (She carries the flaming shots) Sláinte, motherfuckers.
Erin
No, no, no, no!
Fuck, fuck, fuck! (She accidentally drops the flaming shots on the floor which makes the fire spreads on the floor to the curtains)
Erin
Why would two gunmen break into a chippy?
Erin
What were they looking for?
They were looking for the keys to the van. Keep up, Erin.
Do you think we should knock them about a bit?
Nothing drastic. Just a few slaps.
What, not even the wee gay fella?
Okay, that should do it. Ready?
I hate to be a health and safety stickler, but surely you’re not actually planning on leaving us like this, are you?
(whispering) Back door. Back door. Back door. Hurry up.
(whispering) Push it, push it.
I’m pushing! I’m pushing it!
FFionnula
What the fuck’s going on here, exactly?!
Okay… Um, all right. Well, what happened was… (pointing to Michelle) Michelle was carrying this scented candle…
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
