James quotes from Derry Girls

Who owns the fella?

Me. Well, come on, then, ball-ache. Are you introducing yourself, or what?

James

Hi. I’m Michelle’s cousin, James.

Why’s he making that funny noise?

He’s English, Orla. That’s the way they talk. He’s my Auntie Kathy’s wean. I told you about my Auntie Kathy. She went to England years ago to have an abortion. Never came back. Never got the abortion, either. Lucky for you, James, eh? Ha!

James

I didn’t actually know that.

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James

What’s going on?

I don’t know. But do you think if I told him I had an incendiary device down my knickers, he’d have a look?

Michelle, he’s a soldier.

Ach, some of them are rides. I’m willing to admit it, even if nobody else will, because I’m a beacon of truth, Erin.

You’re a mouth, that’s what you are.

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Please, Michelle.

No. I have no interest in David Donnelly’s spazzmo band. (eating Quavers)

They look nice.

I can’t go on my own.

Are they nice?

Bring Bobby Sands.

Sure, how could I go? I’m so weak I can barely walk.

What about Orla?

Orla’s…

I love my wee fingers.

Orla’s mental. Come on, Michelle. I’m begging you. It’s my big chance with David. I’d do it for you.

Fine! But we both know you’re gonna just sit in the corner like a frigid fuck.

I’m not frigid.

You’ve never even kissed a boy before. You practice on your pillow sometimes, but you don’t think that’s the same.

The reading of the diary was bad enough. I could do without the quoting it from memory.

James

Michelle, would you mind showing me where the toilet is?

You are really starting to do my head in, do you know that?

WWoman

Will the following pupils please report to Sister Michael’s office immediately? Erin Quinn, Orla McCool, Clare Devlin, Michelle Mallon, and the wee English fella. Thank you.

I wonder what that could be about.

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So, firstly we have the tutoring. And out of everyone, I thought you might be best suited to that, Clare, because--

I’m the brightest.

Well, in that conventional sort of way, I suppose. There’s also some babysitting. The child will be in bed, so you should just about be able to manage that, Michelle.

Oh, thanks. And you should just about be able to manage this.

Always the lady. There’s also some gardening, mowing a lawn, et cetera. This will require a bit of muscle, so… you should take that one, Orla.

James

No, I should do that one. It’s a man’s job, Erin. I’m a man.

That’s debatable.

James

Well, I’m more of a man than Orla.

I do not accept that.

James

Come on, Erin.

Fine. So that leaves dog-walking and washing a car.

Is it a Renault Clio?

No.

I’ll take the dogs.

Okay.

Let’s go to work.

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Why would two gunmen break into a chippy?

James

Ah! That really hurt.

You’re such a pussy.

What were they looking for?

Chips, obviously.

They were looking for the keys to the van. Keep up, Erin.

Do you think we should knock them about a bit?

No.

Nothing drastic. Just a few slaps.

I said no, Sarah.

What, not even the wee gay fella?

James

I’m not gay.

Okay, that should do it. Ready?

I hate to be a health and safety stickler, but surely you’re not actually planning on leaving us like this, are you?

(whispering) Back door. Back door. Back door. Hurry up.

(gasps)

(whispering) Push it, push it.

I’m pushing! I’m pushing it!

Hurry up!

It’s locked!

FFionnula

What the fuck’s going on here, exactly?!

Okay… Um, all right. Well, what happened was… (pointing to Michelle) Michelle was carrying this scented candle…

It’s just not as nice.

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Sweet suffering Jesus. It’s the morning already?! What are we gonna do?

Well maybe we could start with calming the fuck down.

Calm down? We’re still on William of Orange, Michelle! We haven’t so much looked at the famine!

We’ve got the gist. They ran out of spuds. Everyone was raging.

James

Well, I can’t tell my rebellions from my risings.

And whose fault’s that? If your lot had stopped invading us for five fucking minutes, there’d be a lot less to wade through! You English prick.

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It’s abuse. That’s what it is. It’s abusive. Does anybody have 10p? I’m ringing Childline.

You can’t ring Childline every time your ma threatens to kill you, Erin.

Yeah, you can’t waste Esther’s time like that.

And anyway, you’re not alone We’re all gonna fail. We’re all gonna get our holes kicked, and we’re all in the same boat.

I don’t wanna be in that boat! I wanna be in a different boat, sailing down a totally different river!

James

Guys, all we can do is try our best.

Ach, don’t be such a fruit, James!

Oh, my God! Look!

Doesn’t that dog look like Toto?

James

Oh, I suppose it does a bit, yeah.

Looks exactly like him. Here, boy! (running over to him) Come here, boy! Here, boy! Come here, boy! Here, boy! Come here! Here, boy! Here, boy!

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Directly before the weeping, can you remember what you were doing, what you were talking about?

I remember that James was being a dick.

Sister Michael

Miss Mallon.

I don’t like to use that word, Sister, but it’s so hard to describe James any other way, ‘cause he’s just such a dick.

I don’t think you’re a dick, James.

James

Really?

Really. And you know who else doesn’t think you’re a dick? Our Lord.

Sister Michael

For feck’s sake.

How do you know Our Lord doesn’t think he’s a dick?

Our Lord doesn’t think anyone’s a dick.

I very much doubt that.

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So, Katya, I’ve done a bit of an itinerary for your stay. You should have received a copy in my last letter.

I don’t read your letters, Erin.

I’m sorry? I don’t follow.

Your letters, they bore.

They’re boring.

Exactly.

That’s not what I--

I can smoke here, yes?

No. No, you can’t. Mammy’s like a bloodhound.

Your ma said we could come up and have a look at the Russian.

Ukrainian.

Is this her?

Isn’t she cracker? She’s half mine.

No, she’s not, Orla.

Aye, she is. Mammy said so.

You’re so lucky, Erin. I begged my ma to let me have one, but she said we’ve no room now that my dickhead, ball-bag, English prick of a cousin’s moved in. Talking about you, James, in case you’re wondering.

James

Yeah, that much was clear. Thank you, Michelle.

Have you seen the one Jenny Joyce got, the fella? Massive, massive ride. I’ve been thinking. Maybe time for me to lose the rest of my virginity. And he’s definitely a contender. You help me. You put in good word with your Cossack friend. So we can… (makes squishing sounds)

Would you stop that?

I’m very sorry for all your trouble, you know, the whole hoo-ha at the power plant.

Okay.

When you think about it, we’ve actually got a lot in common ‘cause we understand what it’s like to be a young person from a troubled place.

Hm, it is not the same. Chernobyl was terrible nuclear accident. You people like to fight each other, and, to be honest, no person really understands why.

Well, there’s actually a political element to it, Katya, and there’s a religious element.

But you’re not two different religions here. You’re different flavours of same religion, no?

Well, yes, but… It’s a little bit more complicated than that, Katya.

To me, is stupid.

Oh, my God. It is stupid. It is so, so stupid.

Who is this?

Oh, that’s just James.

You are handsome.

James

(gasps)

And also sexy.

Is her English not great?

What’s happening?

Why would she do that? Why?

Fuck knows. He’s minging.

She seems to be really enjoying it.

Is he enjoying it?

It’s hard to tell.

Well, if he’s not enjoying it, isn’t that sort of sexual harassment?

Yeah, we should put a stop to it.

Aye.

Does anyone want a Fruit Pastille?

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Okay, I’m going in. (Deirdre Mallon knocks at the door) For the love of God, don’t come in here!

DMDeirdre Mallon

Everything all right, Mary?

Stay back, Deirdre. This is the death trap.

DMDeirdre Mallon

Listen, Mary, I hate to do this to you, but me and Martin are both working nights, and I’m nervous about leaving these two on their own, what with the day that’s in it. I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could take them with you?

Ach, away, Deirdre, it’s just--

DMDeirdre Mallon

The English thing? Listen, Mary, I understand. I mean, he’s my nephew, and even I find it hard to get past. If I’m totally honest, there’s times when I look at him and I feel… Well… it’s pure hatred. I’ll not dress it up.

No, no, it’s not the English thing.

DMDeirdre Mallon

I hope to God it’s not the gay thing you’re offended by.

James

There is no gay thing.

DMDeirdre Mallon

Because I’d be disappointed in you, Mary. I’ll not lie.

Of course not. I mean, if anything, the gay thing sort of cancels out the English thing.

James

Again, no gay thing.

You wouldn’t move over there, James? I can’t see past your massive closet.

I’m just not sure we’ll have room in the caravan.

It’ll be grand. Us men can camp outside.

Gerry Quinn

Oh, God.

James

Oh, God.

Run and ask Jim across the road for the lend of his tent.

DMDeirdre Mallon

Well, thanks a million, Mary. I owe you one. You know, if you want our Ryan to sort that gable wall of yours out, you’ve only to ask.

What’s wrong with our gable wall?

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Read all about the wee dyke.

We will not be censored!

Lesbians really do exist!

James

I support gays, even though I, myself, am not actually gay!

Come on, Clare.

I don’t wanna get involved. I’m sorry.

Coward!

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We’re doing it for peace, all right, Mary. A piece of that fine Protestant ass!

God, you are such a hypocrite, Erin.

No, I’m not. I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with some cross-community… Fiddling…relations.

So, we need to head south-east for 0.5 Miles and you’ll receive further instructions shortly.

We haven’t even left the estate yet, Orla. These Prods have some serious moves up their sleeves, you know. They’re not as fucked up about sex as we are. They’ve put the work in, they know what they’re doing.

They’re people, Michelle! They’re not sex toys!

I beg to differ.

James

I’m really looking forward to making friends with some lads.

Lads aren’t going to make friends with you, James. Lads make friends with other lads.

James

I am a lad.

Aye, so you are, James.

Okay, how much money do we have?

Look, the riding of the Protestants is one thing, but I really don’t see why we have to buy them a present. I mean they already have all the land, all the jobs and all the fucking rights.

Aye, Michelle, that’s definitely the attitude we should have entering into this weekend.

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A present for Protestants. Ah, now my next Protestant gift delivery isn’t due to arrive until Wednesday. And as it stands, I’m completely out of stock, what with there being such a high fucking demand for that sort of thing around these parts.

That’s a shame.

How much for the Subbuteo, Dennis?

We’ll call it 16 quid.

James

Could we call it £1.76?

No, we fucking couldn’t.

How about we give you the £1.76 and we pay the rest off in installments?

Yeah. Which would be what? £3.56 over four weeks?

Jesus, check out Rain Wean.

Or, you could give us the Subbuteo, and then we could work off the debt.

Yeah, we could do chores and stuff.

Chores? What do you think this is? Little House on the fucking Prairie?

Do you watch Little House on the Prairie, Dennis?

GET OUT!

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Ms. De Brún is amazing. I’ve just never met anyone like her.

James

She’s an inspiration.

Absolutely.

She really knows how to grab things by the balls.

Oh, yeah!

She’s changed my life, she really has.

James

She likes my accent.

I’d die for her.

I think I would too, you know.

James

Me too.

Aye, fuck it, why not?

Yeah. I mean, obviously I totally agree. I’d die for her as well, but I’m also conscious of the fact we’ve only know her, like, two days.

And?

Well, is it a bit weird she’s invited us to her house at night?

What do you mean?

Well, she’s a teacher.

She’s much more than a teacher.

Yeah. No, obviously I get that. She’s great, but it’s just that I have a feeling it might be sort of frowned upon.

God, Clare, you’re so conditioned.

What’s that supposed to mean?

It means you need to loosen the fuck up.

I am loose, thank you very much.

Face it, Clare, you’re a craic killer.

I’m not a craic killer. I AM NOT A CRAIC KILLER!

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Wise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear’s going to rock up at a Take That concert!

He wouldn’t get a ticket, for a start. They sold out months ago.

You’d be surprised, girls.

Aye, thon boys will get in where draughts wouldn’t.

Gerry Quinn

Sure, the concert’s nowhere near the zoo.

But he’s not in the zoo anymore, is he, Simple Simon? He’s sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.

Aye, keep up, Gerry.

Gerry Quinn

What I’m saying is that it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover.

They’re quick on their feet when they wanna be, love.

Someone might give him a lift.

Whose side are you on, Orla?

Come on, Mary. If you don’t let Erin go, then our mas won’t let us go.

Well, neither they should, and I’ll be ringing them to say as much.

Oh, brilliant!

James

I hate my life.

Look, girls, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing This and That.

Take That.

But there’ll be other concerts.

No there won’t. The fact that this one’s happening is a miracle. Nobody good ever comes here ‘cause we keep killing each other.

And now we’re overrun with polar bears.

Where will it end?

Seriously!