A character in Derry Girls
Played by Tommy Tiernan
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
8th most-quoted character in Derry Girls: in 20 of its 94 quotes
Most scenes with: Granda Joe (18), Mary Quinn (17), Aunt Sarah (12)
Them weans shouldn’t have to take the bus to school. You should be driving them, you useless shite.
Gerry QuinnI have to work, Joe.
Work? (chuckles) Is that what you call it?
Gerry QuinnYes.
Why don’t you just leave my Mary alone?
Gerry QuinnBecause we’ve been married for 17 years, Joe. We have two children. And because we’re in love with each other.
Oh, boke.
I’ll find some dirt on you yet, boy. I’ve got people working on it.
Erin, what in God’s name?
Gerry QuinnDid you kill that wee nun, girls?
Of course we didn’t!
Then why were you pissing on her dead body and making sandwiches?
Say nothing, girls. Say nothing till we’ve seen a lawyer.
Gerry QuinnOkay, that is one portion of redfish, one portion of whitefish, two bags of chips –
No, no, no! Two bags won’t be enough.
Gerry QuinnTwo’s plenty, Joe.
Four! Four should cover it.
Gerry QuinnThree, then. We’ll compromise.
I’ll compromise you through that window.
That’s enough, Da.
The tight bastard’s trying to starve us all, Mary!
There was a knock at the door, this must have been, ach, we’re talking eight, half eight, for I was halfway through me dinner. And up I got to open it, and there they both were, large as life. And the taller fella, though, to be fair, there was no more than an inch in it.
Jesus wept.
The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he, “Do you know who we are?”
How’s a body supposed to enjoy his dinner?
And I says to him, says I, “Well, I can’t be sure now, but maybe if you took off the balaclavas.” And then he says to me, the slightly taller fella does, he says, “Step aside. We are armed.”
Class.
And that’s when the smaller fella, although, as I say, we are talking an inch…
Mammy, make it stop.
…an inch and a half at most.
I need a drink.
He has the bright idea of tying me to the radiator, you see. And I remember saying to myself, says I, “Colm, it’s a good job you have the Economy 7 on the old timer, or you’d be roasted here.”
Did you go for the Economy 7 in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield?
Gerry QuinnFor the love of God, Sarah, no diversions, please.
Aye, come on, let’s pick it up. They tied you to the heater.
They did indeed. And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with me new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the--
Gerry QuinnIt doesn’t matter, Colm.
Well, it was one of the two. He’s looking for the keys to the van, all ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise lounge and all sorts. By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.
Colm, they didn’t borrow your van. They stole your van, used it to move arms across the border, and then they blew it up.
Aye. Nightmare altogether.
It’s class, isn’t it?
Hmm. It’s much how I imagine.
Oh, because of my letters? Well, descriptive narrative has always been a strong point--
No, not your letters. I see on news.
What do you mean, you’ve seen on news? You don’t have news in the Ukraine. You don’t have televisions.
Yes, we do.
No, you don’t.
We do.
Really?
Of course.
Erin, stop hogging the Russian.
Gerry QuinnYeah, come on, Erin. Give Orla a go.
She’s Ukrainian, actually.
Yeah, go on, love. Say something to Katya.
You name sounds a bit like “cat”.
God, aye, so it does.
You don’t know a Jack McGinley, do you? Moved to Moscow, ‘88, ‘89, it would have been.
Seriously?
No.
Stocky fella.
No.
Curly hair, bit of a lisp.
I do not know this person.
Ah, maybe just as well, love. He’s an awful prick.
And when Erin finished reading me her poetry, she showed me some old walls.
I showed you “the walls”. I showed you the city walls, and they are nothing short of spectacular.
Ach, if she’s not into walls, she’s not into walls, Erin, love.
Have you any news, Da?
Not really, no.
Right. Shay Harkham was telling me you were in Duggan’s Bakery yesterday lunchtime.
Well, that’s hardly news.
Two buns he says you ordered.
Well, I often do.
An apple turnover… and a cream horn.
A cream horn?
That’s not like you, Granda.
Sure, you couldn’t pay you to eat a cream horn.
Cream finger, it was. Apple turnover and a cream finger.
Cream horn, Shay said.
Horns, fingers. Who cares?
He swore on it. Said he saw it being bagged up.
And Big Shay has eyes like a hawk, so he does.
Shay said when you left Duggan’s, you turned up Pump Street.
Pump Street? Who do you know on Pump Street, Da?
What were you doing heading up Pump Street with a cream horn, Da?
I was visiting a friend of mine.
What friend?
A new friend.
A male friend, was it? Aye, I thought as much. Buying cream horns for his fancy woman. Sarah, what do you think of that?
We met at the Stations of the Cross.
What station?
Jesus falls for the second time.
I could do without the details, Da.
Maeve and me, we… We just get on well, that’s all.
Maeve? That’s her name, is it?
Yes, that’s right.
Maeve. That’s what she’s called, is she?
She is, aye.
Maeve. Maeve. Really? Maeve?
Why does your mother make that sound?
I cannot believe this.
Gerry QuinnI think it’s a good thing, love.
Just keep out of it, you!
And that’s who you were winking at in mass?
Winking? At your age? Christ, I feel sick.
It was only a friendly wink.
There is no such thing as a friendly wink!
Gerry QuinnIs there not?
Our poor mother is barely cold, and you’re straight back out there, winking away.
Gerry QuinnYour mother’s been dead ten years, Mary.
Look, I’ll not tell you again!
I’m sorry. I seem to have lost my appetite. (she leaves)
Gerry Quinn(sighs)
You happy now?
Can you believe him? Flaunting it in our faces like this.
I don’t even know the man anymore.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
Unbelievable.
Gerry QuinnJammie Dodger?
Blessed art thou, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Okay, I’m going in. (Deirdre Mallon knocks at the door) For the love of God, don’t come in here!
Everything all right, Mary?
Stay back, Deirdre. This is the death trap.
Listen, Mary, I hate to do this to you, but me and Martin are both working nights, and I’m nervous about leaving these two on their own, what with the day that’s in it. I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could take them with you?
Ach, away, Deirdre, it’s just--
The English thing? Listen, Mary, I understand. I mean, he’s my nephew, and even I find it hard to get past. If I’m totally honest, there’s times when I look at him and I feel… Well… it’s pure hatred. I’ll not dress it up.
No, no, it’s not the English thing.
I hope to God it’s not the gay thing you’re offended by.
There is no gay thing.
Because I’d be disappointed in you, Mary. I’ll not lie.
Of course not. I mean, if anything, the gay thing sort of cancels out the English thing.
Again, no gay thing.
You wouldn’t move over there, James? I can’t see past your massive closet.
I’m just not sure we’ll have room in the caravan.
It’ll be grand. Us men can camp outside.
Gerry QuinnOh, God.
Oh, God.
Run and ask Jim across the road for the lend of his tent.
Well, thanks a million, Mary. I owe you one. You know, if you want our Ryan to sort that gable wall of yours out, you’ve only to ask.
What’s wrong with our gable wall?
Gerry QuinnI hope your father appreciates the fact that I was the one who got us out of that mess.
He won’t. Nobody back there actually believed you were a Japanese tourist, Gerry. They all thought you were a nutcase. They took pity on you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dear God, no.
Gerry QuinnWhat’s wrong?
I can’t find my purse.
Gerry QuinnI can see your purse right there.
No, no, that’s my sterling purse. I’m talking about my punt purse. I can’t find my punt purse, Gerry. Blessed Saint Anthony, the grace of God has made you the patron saint of all things lost and stolen. I turn to you this day with childlike love and deep confidence--
Gerry QuinnLook, Mary, calm down--
Calm down, Gerry? We have no punts! We can’t go to the Free State without punts. We’re puntless. We haven’t a punt between us. Oh, God, I think… I think I’m having a panic attack. Oh, stupid punts.
Gerry QuinnOver this? So what happened back there was totally fine, but this is worth having a panic attack about?
You have to turn around.
Gerry QuinnThere is more chance of me eloping with your father to a flip-flop shop in Hawaii--
Look, okay, fine! But that means we won’t be able to buy anything, which means we’ll have no food, which means we’ll all starve to death. So, you know, on your head be it, Gerry. Oh, actually, do you know what? I think I put it in the suitcase.
Gerry QuinnFalse alarm there, Saint Anthony. Sorry for troubling you.
Gerry QuinnEr, look, I’m sorry. Do you absolutely need it?
I’m afraid I do, sir, yes. Proof of ID.
Gerry QuinnBut you have my surname written on it there.
How do I know that’s your surname?
Gerry QuinnBecause I just told you it was my surname.
You could be lying.
Gerry QuinnWhy would I lie?
To get your hands on someone else’s photos.
Gerry QuinnWhy would I want somebody else’s photos? Like, who would pay for somebody else’s photos?
Stalker, maybe.
Yeah, exactly. Very good, sir. A stalker.
Gerry QuinnI’m not a stalker.
Look, why don’t you just go home and have a wee look for your wee docket?
Gerry QuinnNo. This is ridiculous. Just open that up and take out one of the photos. You see? That’s me wife there.
How do I know you’re not just telling me that?
Gerry QuinnCos that’s me standing beside her.
I suppose you do look a bit like this man.
Gerry QuinnI am this man.
It could be you.
Gerry QuinnIt’s definitely me. My name is Gerry Quinn. This is my father-in-law, Joe. He can vouch for me.
I’ve never seen this man before in my life.
Do you not think there’s an awful lot of lesbians about nowadays? You can’t move for lesbians. It’s wall to wall lesbians out there.
Gerry QuinnReally?
Oh, it’s true. Bridget Gallagher, she’s a lesbian.
Bridget Gallagher, who works in the post office?
I believe so.
Is she not a vegetarian, Da?
Sorry, you’re right. Vegetarian, Bridget is.
Ach, this is lovely, Gerry.
Gerry QuinnI thought it’d be nice for us to do something together, just the two of us, you know?
(arriving to see them) Mary! Gerry! You’re not allowed to smoke in this place. Can you believe that? It’s barbaric.
Gerry QuinnSarah, what are you doing here?
Mary said you were having a wee night to yourselves, so I thought you might want some company.
Gerry QuinnWhy? W-why would you think that?
Sarah!
Gerry QuinnHimself as well, is it? Great(!)
Sweet Jesus.
Hiya, how are ye?
They don’t let you smoke in here, Ciaran. Can you credit it?
This is a nice surprise. When Sarah asked me to the cinema, I thought, well, I thought she meant just the two of us.
Gerry QuinnNo, Ciaran, because that would be… What’s the word now? Normal.
Double date it is, then, so.
Wonder what’s keeping daddy. (She goes to see Granda Joe)
Gerry QuinnExcuse me?
I’ve got the tickets.
We haven’t decided what we want to see yet, Da!
Well, I liked the look of that one with all the lads in the line-up. It’s got your man in it, the farmer from glenroe.
What, Gabriel Byrne?
He’s done a fair bit since glenroe now.
(to Ciaran) Who are you? His agent?
Da, I don’t understand this. You hate the cinema.
Not since I discovered it’s the only way I can spend time with our colm. It’s the one place the boring bastard doesn’t talk.
But colm’s not here, is he, Da? (Granda Joe doesn’t answer) Da?
And that’s not to say, now, that in my younger years, I didn’t enjoy a boiled sweet. But then I heard tell of a fella from Ballynahinch-- What was it his name was, now? I had it there a minute ago. Ach, it’ll come to me. Anyway, this Ballynahinch lad, and, as I say, his name escapes me, but he was mad keen on the boiled sweets. Sure he couldn’t get enough of them. But in the end, well, didn’t he choke to death on one? A pear drop, I think it was. Or a clove rock, maybe. But either way, it’s not how I’d want to go.
I know, love. I know.
Belfast! Sure, why don’t you just sell the wains into white slavery and be done with it?
Gerry’ll be with them, Da.
That’s worse! Sure, they hate his kind there.
Gerry QuinnMy kind?
Pricks.
Wise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear’s going to rock up at a Take That concert!
He wouldn’t get a ticket, for a start. They sold out months ago.
You’d be surprised, girls.
Aye, thon boys will get in where draughts wouldn’t.
Gerry QuinnSure, the concert’s nowhere near the zoo.
But he’s not in the zoo anymore, is he, Simple Simon? He’s sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.
Aye, keep up, Gerry.
Gerry QuinnWhat I’m saying is that it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover.
They’re quick on their feet when they wanna be, love.
Someone might give him a lift.
Whose side are you on, Orla?
Come on, Mary. If you don’t let Erin go, then our mas won’t let us go.
Well, neither they should, and I’ll be ringing them to say as much.
Oh, brilliant!
I hate my life.
Look, girls, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing This and That.
Take That.
But there’ll be other concerts.
No there won’t. The fact that this one’s happening is a miracle. Nobody good ever comes here ‘cause we keep killing each other.
And now we’re overrun with polar bears.
Where will it end?
Seriously!
I just cannot believe it.
Listen, Mary. no matter what you’ve done, you’re still my sister. I’ll stand by you.
I haven’t done anything, Sarah.
Exactly, love. Everybody knows you didn’t mean to kill the old boot. God rest her soul.
I didn’t kill her.
You know what I mean. Not kill. Hex.
I didn’t hex her either, Da. It was just a very tragic--
My mother, she had the gift too, you know. By God, that woman could make her enemies drop like flies.
Look, I don’t have any gift. There’s no dark forces at play here. I just said something unfortunate that happened to--
Cause her death?
Coincide with her death.
Right, well, that’s the dishes done. Would you like another cup of tea there, Mammy?
No, I’m fine.
I’ll just grab the Hoover, give the stairs a bit of a going over.
And I’ll maybe do a bit of dusting.
What’s gotten into you two. What are you up to? What do you want?
Nothing. We just thought that we should pull over weight a bit more, Mammy.
You do so much for us, Aunt Mary.
You deserve a bit of a break.
I can’t hex people, girls. It was an accident.
Gerry QuinnSo, how’s the wicked witch of the northwest?
Who put 50p in the eejit?
God, how am I going to go to this wake?
It’ll be grand, love. But, listen, say if things do get heated, try not to rise to it. The last thing we want is another dead body on our hands here.
I’ll do my best, Da.
ErinSaoirse-Monica Jackson · 61 quotes
MichelleJamie Lee O'Donnell · 46 quotes
ClareNicola Coughlan · 43 quotes
JamesDylan Llewellyn · 39 quotes
OrlaLouisa Harland · 34 quotes
Mary QuinnTara Lynne O'Neill · 25 quotes
Granda JoeIan McElhinney · 21 quotes
Aunt SarahKathy Kiera Clarke · 19 quotes
Sister MichaelSiobhán McSweeney · 14 quotes
Jenny JoyceLeah O'Rourke · 5 quotes
Father PeterArt Campion · 4 quotes
AislingBeccy Henderson · 3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Derry Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
