Orla quotes from Derry Girls

Who owns the fella?

Me. Well, come on, then, ball-ache. Are you introducing yourself, or what?

Hi. I’m Michelle’s cousin, James.

Orla

Why’s he making that funny noise?

He’s English, Orla. That’s the way they talk. He’s my Auntie Kathy’s wean. I told you about my Auntie Kathy. She went to England years ago to have an abortion. Never came back. Never got the abortion, either. Lucky for you, James, eh? Ha!

I didn’t actually know that.

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Please, Michelle.

No. I have no interest in David Donnelly’s spazzmo band. (eating Quavers)

They look nice.

I can’t go on my own.

Are they nice?

Bring Bobby Sands.

Sure, how could I go? I’m so weak I can barely walk.

What about Orla?

Orla’s…

Orla

I love my wee fingers.

Orla’s mental. Come on, Michelle. I’m begging you. It’s my big chance with David. I’d do it for you.

Fine! But we both know you’re gonna just sit in the corner like a frigid fuck.

I’m not frigid.

Orla

You’ve never even kissed a boy before. You practice on your pillow sometimes, but you don’t think that’s the same.

The reading of the diary was bad enough. I could do without the quoting it from memory.

Michelle, would you mind showing me where the toilet is?

You are really starting to do my head in, do you know that?

WWoman

Will the following pupils please report to Sister Michael’s office immediately? Erin Quinn, Orla McCool, Clare Devlin, Michelle Mallon, and the wee English fella. Thank you.

I wonder what that could be about.

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There was a knock at the door, this must have been, ach, we’re talking eight, half eight, for I was halfway through me dinner. And up I got to open it, and there they both were, large as life. And the taller fella, though, to be fair, there was no more than an inch in it.

Jesus wept.

The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he, “Do you know who we are?”

How’s a body supposed to enjoy his dinner?

And I says to him, says I, “Well, I can’t be sure now, but maybe if you took off the balaclavas.” And then he says to me, the slightly taller fella does, he says, “Step aside. We are armed.”

Orla

Class.

And that’s when the smaller fella, although, as I say, we are talking an inch…

Mammy, make it stop.

…an inch and a half at most.

I need a drink.

He has the bright idea of tying me to the radiator, you see. And I remember saying to myself, says I, “Colm, it’s a good job you have the Economy 7 on the old timer, or you’d be roasted here.”

Did you go for the Economy 7 in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield?

Gerry Quinn

For the love of God, Sarah, no diversions, please.

Aye, come on, let’s pick it up. They tied you to the heater.

They did indeed. And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with me new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the--

Gerry Quinn

It doesn’t matter, Colm.

Well, it was one of the two. He’s looking for the keys to the van, all ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise lounge and all sorts. By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.

Colm, they didn’t borrow your van. They stole your van, used it to move arms across the border, and then they blew it up.

Aye. Nightmare altogether.

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So, firstly we have the tutoring. And out of everyone, I thought you might be best suited to that, Clare, because--

I’m the brightest.

Well, in that conventional sort of way, I suppose. There’s also some babysitting. The child will be in bed, so you should just about be able to manage that, Michelle.

Oh, thanks. And you should just about be able to manage this.

Always the lady. There’s also some gardening, mowing a lawn, et cetera. This will require a bit of muscle, so… you should take that one, Orla.

No, I should do that one. It’s a man’s job, Erin. I’m a man.

That’s debatable.

Well, I’m more of a man than Orla.

Orla

I do not accept that.

Come on, Erin.

Fine. So that leaves dog-walking and washing a car.

Orla

Is it a Renault Clio?

No.

Orla

I’ll take the dogs.

Okay.

Let’s go to work.

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It’s slave labor, Erin!

Orla

It’s worse than slave labor. We’re not even getting paid!

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Why would two gunmen break into a chippy?

Ah! That really hurt.

You’re such a pussy.

What were they looking for?

Orla

Chips, obviously.

They were looking for the keys to the van. Keep up, Erin.

Do you think we should knock them about a bit?

No.

Nothing drastic. Just a few slaps.

I said no, Sarah.

What, not even the wee gay fella?

I’m not gay.

Okay, that should do it. Ready?

I hate to be a health and safety stickler, but surely you’re not actually planning on leaving us like this, are you?

(whispering) Back door. Back door. Back door. Hurry up.

(gasps)

(whispering) Push it, push it.

I’m pushing! I’m pushing it!

Hurry up!

It’s locked!

FFionnula

What the fuck’s going on here, exactly?!

Okay… Um, all right. Well, what happened was… (pointing to Michelle) Michelle was carrying this scented candle…

It’s just not as nice.

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It’s class, isn’t it?

Hmm. It’s much how I imagine.

Oh, because of my letters? Well, descriptive narrative has always been a strong point--

No, not your letters. I see on news.

What do you mean, you’ve seen on news? You don’t have news in the Ukraine. You don’t have televisions.

Yes, we do.

No, you don’t.

We do.

Really?

Of course.

Erin, stop hogging the Russian.

Gerry Quinn

Yeah, come on, Erin. Give Orla a go.

She’s Ukrainian, actually.

Yeah, go on, love. Say something to Katya.

Orla

You name sounds a bit like “cat”.

God, aye, so it does.

You don’t know a Jack McGinley, do you? Moved to Moscow, ‘88, ‘89, it would have been.

Seriously?

No.

Stocky fella.

No.

Curly hair, bit of a lisp.

I do not know this person.

Ah, maybe just as well, love. He’s an awful prick.

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So, Katya, I’ve done a bit of an itinerary for your stay. You should have received a copy in my last letter.

I don’t read your letters, Erin.

I’m sorry? I don’t follow.

Your letters, they bore.

They’re boring.

Exactly.

That’s not what I--

I can smoke here, yes?

No. No, you can’t. Mammy’s like a bloodhound.

Your ma said we could come up and have a look at the Russian.

Ukrainian.

Is this her?

Orla

Isn’t she cracker? She’s half mine.

No, she’s not, Orla.

Orla

Aye, she is. Mammy said so.

You’re so lucky, Erin. I begged my ma to let me have one, but she said we’ve no room now that my dickhead, ball-bag, English prick of a cousin’s moved in. Talking about you, James, in case you’re wondering.

Yeah, that much was clear. Thank you, Michelle.

Have you seen the one Jenny Joyce got, the fella? Massive, massive ride. I’ve been thinking. Maybe time for me to lose the rest of my virginity. And he’s definitely a contender. You help me. You put in good word with your Cossack friend. So we can… (makes squishing sounds)

Would you stop that?

I’m very sorry for all your trouble, you know, the whole hoo-ha at the power plant.

Okay.

When you think about it, we’ve actually got a lot in common ‘cause we understand what it’s like to be a young person from a troubled place.

Hm, it is not the same. Chernobyl was terrible nuclear accident. You people like to fight each other, and, to be honest, no person really understands why.

Well, there’s actually a political element to it, Katya, and there’s a religious element.

But you’re not two different religions here. You’re different flavours of same religion, no?

Well, yes, but… It’s a little bit more complicated than that, Katya.

To me, is stupid.

Oh, my God. It is stupid. It is so, so stupid.

Who is this?

Oh, that’s just James.

You are handsome.

(gasps)

And also sexy.

Is her English not great?

What’s happening?

Why would she do that? Why?

Fuck knows. He’s minging.

Orla

She seems to be really enjoying it.

Is he enjoying it?

It’s hard to tell.

Well, if he’s not enjoying it, isn’t that sort of sexual harassment?

Yeah, we should put a stop to it.

Aye.

Orla

Does anyone want a Fruit Pastille?

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JJim

Now, once your tent is erect, you’ll want to think about where to safely store your food, because believe me, girls, you do not want to attract predatory animals into your sleeping area. Bears are particularly vicious.

Yeah, I’m not sure how many bears there are in Portnoo, though, Jim.

Orla

But there was a cheetah on the beach one time.

That was a greyhound, Orla.

Orla

I know what I saw.

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This was written by a girl. A real life lesbian walks among us.

Orla

I don’t really believe in lesbians.

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Read all about the wee dyke.

We will not be censored!

Orla

Lesbians really do exist!

I support gays, even though I, myself, am not actually gay!

Come on, Clare.

I don’t wanna get involved. I’m sorry.

Coward!

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That summer was a remarkable one. It was the summer we dared to dream. For generations, we’d known nothing but violence. Nothing but hatred. But finally we were saying, “Enough is enough.” Finally, we were saying, “Let’s give peace a chance.”

Orla

She’s up here!

Jesus Christ!

Orla

She’s pretending she’s on Parkinson again.

(Off-screen) Parkinson? Does she know what time it is? I’ll Parkinson her. I’ve enough on my plate without Parkinson.

Close the door! (But Orla comes in and closes the door) No, Orla. Leave, then close the door.

And it was Wogan, for your information!

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We’re doing it for peace, all right, Mary. A piece of that fine Protestant ass!

God, you are such a hypocrite, Erin.

No, I’m not. I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with some cross-community… Fiddling…relations.

Orla

So, we need to head south-east for 0.5 Miles and you’ll receive further instructions shortly.

We haven’t even left the estate yet, Orla. These Prods have some serious moves up their sleeves, you know. They’re not as fucked up about sex as we are. They’ve put the work in, they know what they’re doing.

They’re people, Michelle! They’re not sex toys!

I beg to differ.

I’m really looking forward to making friends with some lads.

Lads aren’t going to make friends with you, James. Lads make friends with other lads.

I am a lad.

Aye, so you are, James.

Okay, how much money do we have?

Look, the riding of the Protestants is one thing, but I really don’t see why we have to buy them a present. I mean they already have all the land, all the jobs and all the fucking rights.

Aye, Michelle, that’s definitely the attitude we should have entering into this weekend.

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Dennis

A present for Protestants. Ah, now my next Protestant gift delivery isn’t due to arrive until Wednesday. And as it stands, I’m completely out of stock, what with there being such a high fucking demand for that sort of thing around these parts.

Orla

That’s a shame.

How much for the Subbuteo, Dennis?

Dennis

We’ll call it 16 quid.

Could we call it £1.76?

Dennis

No, we fucking couldn’t.