A character in Derry Girls
Played by Ian McElhinney
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
7th most-quoted character in Derry Girls: in 21 of its 94 quotes
Most scenes with: Gerry Quinn (18), Mary Quinn (17), Aunt Sarah (14)
Granda JoeThem weans shouldn’t have to take the bus to school. You should be driving them, you useless shite.
I have to work, Joe.
Granda JoeWork? (chuckles) Is that what you call it?
Yes.
Granda JoeWhy don’t you just leave my Mary alone?
Because we’ve been married for 17 years, Joe. We have two children. And because we’re in love with each other.
Oh, boke.
Granda JoeI’ll find some dirt on you yet, boy. I’ve got people working on it.
Erin, what in God’s name?
Did you kill that wee nun, girls?
Of course we didn’t!
Then why were you pissing on her dead body and making sandwiches?
Granda JoeSay nothing, girls. Say nothing till we’ve seen a lawyer.
Obviously, Sister Declan’s death was extremely shocking and unexpected. We’re still struggling to understand exactly what happened.
Yeah? Can I just ask, what age was Sister Declan?
She’d have been 98 on Friday.
Right. Might that shed some light on the situation?
How so?
Does anybody else have any thoughts on the whole “her being almost 98 years of age” thing?
Granda JoeStruck down in her prime.
Okay, that is one portion of redfish, one portion of whitefish, two bags of chips –
Granda JoeNo, no, no! Two bags won’t be enough.
Two’s plenty, Joe.
Granda JoeFour! Four should cover it.
Three, then. We’ll compromise.
Granda JoeI’ll compromise you through that window.
That’s enough, Da.
Granda JoeThe tight bastard’s trying to starve us all, Mary!
There was a knock at the door, this must have been, ach, we’re talking eight, half eight, for I was halfway through me dinner. And up I got to open it, and there they both were, large as life. And the taller fella, though, to be fair, there was no more than an inch in it.
Jesus wept.
The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he, “Do you know who we are?”
Granda JoeHow’s a body supposed to enjoy his dinner?
And I says to him, says I, “Well, I can’t be sure now, but maybe if you took off the balaclavas.” And then he says to me, the slightly taller fella does, he says, “Step aside. We are armed.”
Class.
And that’s when the smaller fella, although, as I say, we are talking an inch…
Mammy, make it stop.
…an inch and a half at most.
I need a drink.
He has the bright idea of tying me to the radiator, you see. And I remember saying to myself, says I, “Colm, it’s a good job you have the Economy 7 on the old timer, or you’d be roasted here.”
Did you go for the Economy 7 in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield?
For the love of God, Sarah, no diversions, please.
Aye, come on, let’s pick it up. They tied you to the heater.
They did indeed. And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with me new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the--
It doesn’t matter, Colm.
Well, it was one of the two. He’s looking for the keys to the van, all ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise lounge and all sorts. By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.
Colm, they didn’t borrow your van. They stole your van, used it to move arms across the border, and then they blew it up.
Aye. Nightmare altogether.
Why would two gunmen break into a chippy?
Ah! That really hurt.
You’re such a pussy.
What were they looking for?
Chips, obviously.
They were looking for the keys to the van. Keep up, Erin.
Do you think we should knock them about a bit?
No.
Nothing drastic. Just a few slaps.
I said no, Sarah.
What, not even the wee gay fella?
I’m not gay.
Okay, that should do it. Ready?
I hate to be a health and safety stickler, but surely you’re not actually planning on leaving us like this, are you?
(whispering) Back door. Back door. Back door. Hurry up.
(gasps)
(whispering) Push it, push it.
I’m pushing! I’m pushing it!
Hurry up!
It’s locked!
What the fuck’s going on here, exactly?!
Okay… Um, all right. Well, what happened was… (pointing to Michelle) Michelle was carrying this scented candle…
Granda JoeIt’s just not as nice.
It’s class, isn’t it?
Hmm. It’s much how I imagine.
Oh, because of my letters? Well, descriptive narrative has always been a strong point--
No, not your letters. I see on news.
What do you mean, you’ve seen on news? You don’t have news in the Ukraine. You don’t have televisions.
Yes, we do.
No, you don’t.
We do.
Really?
Of course.
Erin, stop hogging the Russian.
Yeah, come on, Erin. Give Orla a go.
She’s Ukrainian, actually.
Yeah, go on, love. Say something to Katya.
You name sounds a bit like “cat”.
God, aye, so it does.
Granda JoeYou don’t know a Jack McGinley, do you? Moved to Moscow, ‘88, ‘89, it would have been.
Seriously?
No.
Granda JoeStocky fella.
No.
Granda JoeCurly hair, bit of a lisp.
I do not know this person.
Granda JoeAh, maybe just as well, love. He’s an awful prick.
And when Erin finished reading me her poetry, she showed me some old walls.
I showed you “the walls”. I showed you the city walls, and they are nothing short of spectacular.
Ach, if she’s not into walls, she’s not into walls, Erin, love.
Have you any news, Da?
Granda JoeNot really, no.
Right. Shay Harkham was telling me you were in Duggan’s Bakery yesterday lunchtime.
Granda JoeWell, that’s hardly news.
Two buns he says you ordered.
Granda JoeWell, I often do.
An apple turnover… and a cream horn.
A cream horn?
That’s not like you, Granda.
Sure, you couldn’t pay you to eat a cream horn.
Granda JoeCream finger, it was. Apple turnover and a cream finger.
Cream horn, Shay said.
Horns, fingers. Who cares?
He swore on it. Said he saw it being bagged up.
And Big Shay has eyes like a hawk, so he does.
Shay said when you left Duggan’s, you turned up Pump Street.
Pump Street? Who do you know on Pump Street, Da?
What were you doing heading up Pump Street with a cream horn, Da?
Granda JoeI was visiting a friend of mine.
What friend?
Granda JoeA new friend.
A male friend, was it? Aye, I thought as much. Buying cream horns for his fancy woman. Sarah, what do you think of that?
Granda JoeWe met at the Stations of the Cross.
What station?
Granda JoeJesus falls for the second time.
I could do without the details, Da.
Granda JoeMaeve and me, we… We just get on well, that’s all.
Maeve? That’s her name, is it?
Granda JoeYes, that’s right.
Maeve. That’s what she’s called, is she?
Granda JoeShe is, aye.
Maeve. Maeve. Really? Maeve?
Why does your mother make that sound?
I cannot believe this.
I think it’s a good thing, love.
Granda JoeJust keep out of it, you!
And that’s who you were winking at in mass?
Winking? At your age? Christ, I feel sick.
Granda JoeIt was only a friendly wink.
There is no such thing as a friendly wink!
Is there not?
Our poor mother is barely cold, and you’re straight back out there, winking away.
Your mother’s been dead ten years, Mary.
Granda JoeLook, I’ll not tell you again!
I’m sorry. I seem to have lost my appetite. (she leaves)
(sighs)
Granda JoeYou happy now?
Can you believe him? Flaunting it in our faces like this.
I don’t even know the man anymore.
Granda JoeHoly Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
Unbelievable.
Jammie Dodger?
Blessed art thou, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Okay, I’m going in. (Deirdre Mallon knocks at the door) For the love of God, don’t come in here!
Everything all right, Mary?
Stay back, Deirdre. This is the death trap.
Listen, Mary, I hate to do this to you, but me and Martin are both working nights, and I’m nervous about leaving these two on their own, what with the day that’s in it. I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could take them with you?
Ach, away, Deirdre, it’s just--
The English thing? Listen, Mary, I understand. I mean, he’s my nephew, and even I find it hard to get past. If I’m totally honest, there’s times when I look at him and I feel… Well… it’s pure hatred. I’ll not dress it up.
No, no, it’s not the English thing.
I hope to God it’s not the gay thing you’re offended by.
There is no gay thing.
Because I’d be disappointed in you, Mary. I’ll not lie.
Of course not. I mean, if anything, the gay thing sort of cancels out the English thing.
Again, no gay thing.
You wouldn’t move over there, James? I can’t see past your massive closet.
I’m just not sure we’ll have room in the caravan.
Granda JoeIt’ll be grand. Us men can camp outside.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Granda JoeRun and ask Jim across the road for the lend of his tent.
Well, thanks a million, Mary. I owe you one. You know, if you want our Ryan to sort that gable wall of yours out, you’ve only to ask.
What’s wrong with our gable wall?
Er, look, I’m sorry. Do you absolutely need it?
I’m afraid I do, sir, yes. Proof of ID.
But you have my surname written on it there.
How do I know that’s your surname?
Because I just told you it was my surname.
You could be lying.
Why would I lie?
To get your hands on someone else’s photos.
Why would I want somebody else’s photos? Like, who would pay for somebody else’s photos?
Granda JoeStalker, maybe.
Yeah, exactly. Very good, sir. A stalker.
I’m not a stalker.
Look, why don’t you just go home and have a wee look for your wee docket?
No. This is ridiculous. Just open that up and take out one of the photos. You see? That’s me wife there.
How do I know you’re not just telling me that?
Cos that’s me standing beside her.
I suppose you do look a bit like this man.
I am this man.
It could be you.
It’s definitely me. My name is Gerry Quinn. This is my father-in-law, Joe. He can vouch for me.
Granda JoeI’ve never seen this man before in my life.
Do you not think there’s an awful lot of lesbians about nowadays? You can’t move for lesbians. It’s wall to wall lesbians out there.
Really?
Granda JoeOh, it’s true. Bridget Gallagher, she’s a lesbian.
Bridget Gallagher, who works in the post office?
Granda JoeI believe so.
Is she not a vegetarian, Da?
Granda JoeSorry, you’re right. Vegetarian, Bridget is.
Will any of your crowd be going, love?
My crowd?
Or can you not get Protestant lesbians?
No, I think you can get them all right, it’s just…
Granda JoeI heard that k.d. lang on the radio yesterday. Christ, but she’s some set of pipes on her. You’re a very talented people.
Thank you?
Ach, this is lovely, Gerry.
I thought it’d be nice for us to do something together, just the two of us, you know?
(arriving to see them) Mary! Gerry! You’re not allowed to smoke in this place. Can you believe that? It’s barbaric.
Sarah, what are you doing here?
Mary said you were having a wee night to yourselves, so I thought you might want some company.
Why? W-why would you think that?
Sarah!
Himself as well, is it? Great(!)
Sweet Jesus.
Hiya, how are ye?
They don’t let you smoke in here, Ciaran. Can you credit it?
This is a nice surprise. When Sarah asked me to the cinema, I thought, well, I thought she meant just the two of us.
No, Ciaran, because that would be… What’s the word now? Normal.
Double date it is, then, so.
Wonder what’s keeping daddy. (She goes to see Granda Joe)
Excuse me?
Granda JoeI’ve got the tickets.
We haven’t decided what we want to see yet, Da!
Granda JoeWell, I liked the look of that one with all the lads in the line-up. It’s got your man in it, the farmer from glenroe.
What, Gabriel Byrne?
He’s done a fair bit since glenroe now.
Granda Joe(to Ciaran) Who are you? His agent?
Da, I don’t understand this. You hate the cinema.
Granda JoeNot since I discovered it’s the only way I can spend time with our colm. It’s the one place the boring bastard doesn’t talk.
But colm’s not here, is he, Da? (Granda Joe doesn’t answer) Da?
And that’s not to say, now, that in my younger years, I didn’t enjoy a boiled sweet. But then I heard tell of a fella from Ballynahinch-- What was it his name was, now? I had it there a minute ago. Ach, it’ll come to me. Anyway, this Ballynahinch lad, and, as I say, his name escapes me, but he was mad keen on the boiled sweets. Sure he couldn’t get enough of them. But in the end, well, didn’t he choke to death on one? A pear drop, I think it was. Or a clove rock, maybe. But either way, it’s not how I’d want to go.
I know, love. I know.
Granda JoeBelfast! Sure, why don’t you just sell the wains into white slavery and be done with it?
Gerry’ll be with them, Da.
Granda JoeThat’s worse! Sure, they hate his kind there.
My kind?
Granda JoePricks.
ErinSaoirse-Monica Jackson · 61 quotes
MichelleJamie Lee O'Donnell · 46 quotes
ClareNicola Coughlan · 43 quotes
JamesDylan Llewellyn · 39 quotes
OrlaLouisa Harland · 34 quotes
Mary QuinnTara Lynne O'Neill · 25 quotes
Gerry QuinnTommy Tiernan · 20 quotes
Aunt SarahKathy Kiera Clarke · 19 quotes
Sister MichaelSiobhán McSweeney · 14 quotes
Jenny JoyceLeah O'Rourke · 5 quotes
Father PeterArt Campion · 4 quotes
AislingBeccy Henderson · 3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Derry Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
