MichelleWe’re doing it for peace, all right, Mary. A piece of that fine Protestant ass!
God, you are such a hypocrite, Erin.
No, I’m not. I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with some cross-community… Fiddling…relations.
So, we need to head south-east for 0.5 Miles and you’ll receive further instructions shortly.
Michelle
We haven’t even left the estate yet, Orla. These Prods have some serious moves up their sleeves, you know. They’re not as fucked up about sex as we are. They’ve put the work in, they know what they’re doing.
They’re people, Michelle! They’re not sex toys!
Michelle
I beg to differ.
I’m really looking forward to making friends with some lads.
Michelle
Lads aren’t going to make friends with you, James. Lads make friends with other lads.
Okay, how much money do we have?
Michelle
Look, the riding of the Protestants is one thing, but I really don’t see why we have to buy them a present. I mean they already have all the land, all the jobs and all the fucking rights.
Aye, Michelle, that’s definitely the attitude we should have entering into this weekend.
As some of you may know, I took a bit of a sabbatical last year.
Michelle
Do you mean when you shacked up with a slutty hairdresser but then she dumped you?
Miss Mallon, please! Raise your hand if you want to ask a question.
Okay, I think we should just move on.
The hairdresser certainly did.
PBProtestant Boy
She’s coming!
Michelle
Who?
PBProtestant Boy
The woman. The small angry penguin woman.
Michelle
Sister Michael! Shit!
Oh, good evening, Sister. We just popped round because we had a few questions about the British Empire, which the boys have cleared up for us now, so…
They weren’t talking about the British Empire, Sister. They were having a party. I could hear the music.
You will go far in life, Jenny. But you will not be well liked.
Ms. De Brún is amazing. I’ve just never met anyone like her.
Michelle
She really knows how to grab things by the balls.
She’s changed my life, she really has.
I think I would too, you know.
Michelle
Aye, fuck it, why not?
Yeah. I mean, obviously I totally agree. I’d die for her as well, but I’m also conscious of the fact we’ve only know her, like, two days.
Well, is it a bit weird she’s invited us to her house at night?
She’s much more than a teacher.
Yeah. No, obviously I get that. She’s great, but it’s just that I have a feeling it might be sort of frowned upon.
God, Clare, you’re so conditioned.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Michelle
It means you need to loosen the fuck up.
I am loose, thank you very much.
Michelle
Face it, Clare, you’re a craic killer.
I’m not a craic killer. I AM NOT A CRAIC KILLER!
Wise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear’s going to rock up at a Take That concert!
He wouldn’t get a ticket, for a start. They sold out months ago.
You’d be surprised, girls.
Aye, thon boys will get in where draughts wouldn’t.
Sure, the concert’s nowhere near the zoo.
But he’s not in the zoo anymore, is he, Simple Simon? He’s sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.
What I’m saying is that it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover.
They’re quick on their feet when they wanna be, love.
Someone might give him a lift.
Whose side are you on, Orla?
Michelle
Come on, Mary. If you don’t let Erin go, then our mas won’t let us go.
Well, neither they should, and I’ll be ringing them to say as much.
Look, girls, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing This and That.
But there’ll be other concerts.
No there won’t. The fact that this one’s happening is a miracle. Nobody good ever comes here ‘cause we keep killing each other.
And now we’re overrun with polar bears.
Michelle
Well, I’m not letting that fat furry fuck ruin the biggest day of my life.
Michelle
Right. Listen, girls. I’ve never told anyone this before, but sometimes, when Robbie’s being interviewed, it’s like he’s sending me messages through the TV, you know, like, telepathically or whatever. It’s like he’s saying we’re meant to be together.
Aye, maybe don’t tell that to anyone again, Michelle. Ever.
Michelle
Look, this is too important. I’m going to that concert. I’m not afraid of a fucking polar bear.
Michelle
Bastard!
I’ll kill it with my own two hands if I have to.
Michelle
Yes!
Okay. We seem to have gone down a weird road here, people. I think we just got a bit confused. We don’t actually have to fight a polar bear. And if we did, I wouldn’t really fancy our chances because, well, they’re massive.
But there’s five of us so…
The point is the polar bear’s not the one stopping us going to the concert. It’s our mothers, and we’ll never get them to change their minds.
Michelle
We’re not gonna try and change their minds. We’re gonna do something else.
Michelle
Lie our holes off.
We need a better plan, Michelle.
Michelle
This is a great plan.
We cannot walk to Belfast.
Michelle
How far could it be? Have you ever seen Northern Ireland on a map? It’s fucking tiny.
I have to say, I’m not overly keen on us being out in the open like this, just because of the whole there’s-a-polar-bear-on-the-loose-that-could-maul-us-to-death thing.
Michelle
Is it just me, or is that gypsy an absolute ride?
Michelle, you cannot say that.
Michelle
What?
They’re called travelers now. You can’t say “gypsy” anymore. It’s insulting.
Michelle
Is it.
Michelle
Really?
They’re just people, James. They’re just people exactly like us.
(gasps) That’s actually racist, Orla.
Michelle
No, it’s not. They are different.
Michelle
Well, they live in caravans, for a start.
I wish I lived in a caravan.
Michelle
Aye, me too. Caravans are class.
Can everybody stop being so racist, please?
I’m a bit scared of them. Is that racist?
Michelle
Is gypsy even a race?
Michelle
We totally suit.
Have you actually met them, Rita, Take That?
RRita
No, I can’t stand them, if I’m being honest, but their fans are so thick they’ll buy any old shite, present company included.
I think you mean “excluded.”
RRita
Pop music isn’t really my thing, truth be told. It’s all so fucking soulless. Nah. I’m a classical head, all the way, but I’ve been banned from trading at Glyndebourne ever since I absolutely battered that Pavarotti fan, and when I say I battered, I mean intellectually like. I did kick the shit out of him as well. Pavo’s “La Boheme” is very muscular, but for purity of tone, you simply cannot fault Bocelli! I mean, listen to that, girls. Pass the can there.
The can of… oh, beer. I see.
RRita
(taking a sip of a beer) Oh, that’s fucking beautiful.
While driving. Okay. Fine. Good.
RRita
Mmm. What a fucking instrument. Glorious!
Any idea what the speed limit is around here?
RRita
Close your eyes, girls, and soak it up.
Sure, of course, but maybe you could soak it up with your eyes open and, you know, on the road.
Michelle
You’re such a wreck-the-buzz, Clare.
Look, Michelle, drugs are illegal, drugs are addictive, but perhaps most importantly, in this country, you can lose your kneecaps if you’re caught doing them, and I like my kneecaps, Michelle. They suit my knees.
You do have cracking kneecaps, Clare.
Clare What are we gonna do? What in under God are we gonna do?
Michelle
It’s fine.
It’s definitely not fine. There’s drug scones down there. If people eat the drug scones, then we’ve drugged those people, Michelle.
Michelle
So? Drugging people isn’t a crime.
You’ve a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle.
What kind of person brings hash scones to a wake?
Michelle
Typical. I try and do a nice thing, and this is the thanks I get.
It’s terrible. There’s old people down there. What if an old person takes one?
Michelle
Why does everybody get so sentimental about old people? Old people are arseholes.
We have to get them back.
Michelle
Look, I’m not disagreeing with you. I bought that stuff so I could get high, not your great uncle Colm.
Hold on a minute. Where did the scones go?
Okay, I’ll head for the kitchen and grab whatever’s still there. The rest of you look out for any ones that have gone rogue, and remember, be subtle.
Michelle
I can’t believe we’re doing this. It’s fucking heartbreaking.
Look, Granda’s had one, and now he’s acting really, really weird.
Michelle
You’re being paranoid, Erin.
Michelle
Jesus!
Exactly! And if my ma starts asking questions…
Michelle
Your ma won’t trace it back to us.
Are you for real? She traces everything back to us. She traces things we haven’t even done, back to us.
Are you sure this will work?
This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare. I’ve seen GoodFellas, like, 20 times.
That’s not the only way. I watched this film once about this girl who was trying to hide drugs, and what she did was, she shoved them right up her--
Michelle
I’m not sticking a scone up my hole, Orla, I’ll tell you that for nothing.
Okay, I’m going to flush.
Jesus Christ! Why is the water rising, James?
I don’t know. The water didn’t rise in GoodFellas.
Michelle
Fuck! We’ve clogged it.
I’m afraid I left the house without my plunger tonight, Orla.
Aye, me too. Nightmare, so it is.
There she is. Okay, so I say we just over there and be ourselves, girls. Well, not totally ourselves. We should definitely be a bit ourselves. We could also pretend we’re sort of better than we actually are, so, I suppose what I’m saying is we could present a version of ourselves as less --
Michelle
Why do we even have to talk to her?
Because she’s new, Michelle!
Michelle
Urgh! I hate people I don’t know.
And, in case you hadn’t noticed, she also happens to be Chinese. I mean, how class would it be to have a Chinese friend?!
We could keep her in my toy box.
Oh, she’d definitely fit.
Michelle
Fine. But can we agree it’s on a strict one-in, one-out basis? If she joins the group, James has to leave.
MCMae Cheung
Is she all right?
Michelle
Burning for you, Clare.
MCMae Cheung
Right. Well, I’m from Donegal and we speak English there.
Michelle
If you say so, Mae, but I spent the summer in Killybegs, and seriously? Not a fucking word.
We just wanted to introduce ourselves and --
MCMae Cheung
Okay, I think I see where this is going. I get this a lot. Dull white girls wanting me to join their gang because, well…
MCMae Cheung
Whoa. She has a really fucked-up accent.
Michelle
We know.
MCMae Cheung
(sighs) What’s in this for me? What are you bringing to the table?
MCMae Cheung
I’m good for cream crackers, thank you. I’ll see you around, girls. (She is about to leave)
Maybe we don’t need a Chinese person. We’ve already got a lesbian.
MCMae Cheung
Really? You don’t look like a lesbian.
MCMae Cheung
Just that you’re a bit…short.
Well, there’s no height restrictions… as far as I’m aware.
MCMae Cheung
Interesting. I’ve always wanted a gay friend. I mean, ideally a fella.
Michelle
Christ.
I’m Jenny. This is Aisling. We just thought we’d introduce ourselves and see if…
Too late, Jenny. She’s ours.
I see. Look, these girls are great, but I do have a pen pal from the Caribbean, so, perhaps my circle is a little bit more diverse.
Think it over. Give me a call. Oh, and FYI, the prom queen vote closes today.
Michelle
FY nobody gives a shit.
I see you’ve thrown your hat into the ring, Jenny.
I had my arm twisted, but feel free to tick my box.
Michelle
Dirty bitch.
Michelle
Well, this prom is going to be a full-blown dick-fest. You know, there isn’t even gonna be a DJ. Apparently, Jenny’s hired this fucking pensioner band.
Michelle
I heard the drummer is at least 30.
I don’t feel so bad about missing it now. It clashes with my thing.
Michelle
The creep convention? Seriously?
It’s not a creep convention.
Michelle
Well, I think a load of perverts getting together to wank over some fella who fights with Hoovers and rides aliens in a telephone box, is the very fucking definition of a creep convention.
It's a Doctor Who night. Me and my stepdad used to watch it when I was little.
Michelle
Well, someone should have called social services then, James.
You’re not going to the prom then, James. Well, I was gonna ask you to be my date.
Michelle
You were gonna ask James to be your date? What the fuck’s wrong with you?
Well, it’s a bit more complicated for me.
Michelle
You’re a lesbian, Clare, not desperate.
Right. I say we hit Primark first.
Yeah, well, we have about £17.50 between us, Mae, so, needs must.
Michelle
It’s grand. I swiped my ma’s credit card. (She shows them her ma’s credit card)
Is that grand, or is that actually a criminal offense?
Michelle
Look, we’ll just whack a couple of dresses on it, don’t take the labels off, wear them to prom, then return them the next day. The money will be back in her account as quick as it went out.
Michelle
It’s totally grand, Clare. I do it all the time. You just have to make sure that you don’t, like, spill anything on it, or, like, sweat.
Not yet. And we sent that letter over a week ago.
Are you sure you got the address right?
Chelsea Clinton, the White House, America.
It just doesn’t make any sense.
Michelle
Did you send it first class?
We’re not made of money, Michelle.
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
