Aunt Sarah quotes from Derry Girls

Aunt Sarah

John’s really dying for peace, like, isn’t he? It’s all he ever goes on about. I hope it works out for him.

Aunt Sarah

Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m not enjoying this bomb.

Shocking.

Mary Quinn

Desperate.

Aunt Sarah

Disgusting and disgraceful. I have an appointment in Tropicana at 12:00. Fifteen minutes in the stand up. But sure I’ll not get over the bridge at this rate. It’s going to play havoc with my build-up. This is what they want. They want ordinary people to suffer. This is what it’s all about.

Erin

I’m pretty sure interfering with your sunbed sessions isn’t very high up on anyone’s political agenda, Aunt Sarah.

Mary Quinn

Erin, what in God’s name?

Gerry Quinn

Did you kill that wee nun, girls?

Erin

Of course we didn’t!

Aunt Sarah

Then why were you pissing on her dead body and making sandwiches?

Granda Joe

Say nothing, girls. Say nothing till we’ve seen a lawyer.

Uncle Colm

There was a knock at the door, this must have been, ach, we’re talking eight, half eight, for I was halfway through me dinner. And up I got to open it, and there they both were, large as life. And the taller fella, though, to be fair, there was no more than an inch in it.

Mary Quinn

Jesus wept.

Uncle Colm

The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he, “Do you know who we are?”

Granda Joe

How’s a body supposed to enjoy his dinner?

Uncle Colm

And I says to him, says I, “Well, I can’t be sure now, but maybe if you took off the balaclavas.” And then he says to me, the slightly taller fella does, he says, “Step aside. We are armed.”

Orla

Class.

Uncle Colm

And that’s when the smaller fella, although, as I say, we are talking an inch…

Erin

Mammy, make it stop.

Uncle Colm

…an inch and a half at most.

Aunt Sarah

I need a drink.

Uncle Colm

He has the bright idea of tying me to the radiator, you see. And I remember saying to myself, says I, “Colm, it’s a good job you have the Economy 7 on the old timer, or you’d be roasted here.”

Aunt Sarah

Did you go for the Economy 7 in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield?

Gerry Quinn

For the love of God, Sarah, no diversions, please.

Mary Quinn

Aye, come on, let’s pick it up. They tied you to the heater.

Uncle Colm

They did indeed. And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with me new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the--

Gerry Quinn

It doesn’t matter, Colm.

Uncle Colm

Well, it was one of the two. He’s looking for the keys to the van, all ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise lounge and all sorts. By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.

Mary Quinn

Colm, they didn’t borrow your van. They stole your van, used it to move arms across the border, and then they blew it up.

Uncle Colm

Aye. Nightmare altogether.

Erin

Why would two gunmen break into a chippy?

James

Ah! That really hurt.

Michelle

You’re such a pussy.

Erin

What were they looking for?

Orla

Chips, obviously.

Mary Quinn

They were looking for the keys to the van. Keep up, Erin.

Aunt Sarah

Do you think we should knock them about a bit?

Mary Quinn

No.

Aunt Sarah

Nothing drastic. Just a few slaps.

Mary Quinn

I said no, Sarah.

Aunt Sarah

What, not even the wee gay fella?

James

I’m not gay.

Mary Quinn

Okay, that should do it. Ready?

Clare

I hate to be a health and safety stickler, but surely you’re not actually planning on leaving us like this, are you?

Mary Quinn

(whispering) Back door. Back door. Back door. Hurry up.

Clare

(gasps)

Mary Quinn

(whispering) Push it, push it.

Aunt Sarah

I’m pushing! I’m pushing it!

Mary Quinn

Hurry up!

Aunt Sarah

It’s locked!

What the fuck’s going on here, exactly?!

Mary Quinn

Okay… Um, all right. Well, what happened was… (pointing to Michelle) Michelle was carrying this scented candle…

Granda Joe

It’s just not as nice.

Erin

It’s class, isn’t it?

Katya

Hmm. It’s much how I imagine.

Erin

Oh, because of my letters? Well, descriptive narrative has always been a strong point--

Katya

No, not your letters. I see on news.

Erin

What do you mean, you’ve seen on news? You don’t have news in the Ukraine. You don’t have televisions.

Katya

Yes, we do.

Erin

No, you don’t.

Katya

We do.

Erin

Really?

Katya

Of course.

Mary Quinn

Erin, stop hogging the Russian.

Gerry Quinn

Yeah, come on, Erin. Give Orla a go.

Erin

She’s Ukrainian, actually.

Aunt Sarah

Yeah, go on, love. Say something to Katya.

Orla

You name sounds a bit like “cat”.

Aunt Sarah

God, aye, so it does.

Granda Joe

You don’t know a Jack McGinley, do you? Moved to Moscow, ‘88, ‘89, it would have been.

Erin

Seriously?

Katya

No.

Granda Joe

Stocky fella.

Katya

No.

Granda Joe

Curly hair, bit of a lisp.

Katya

I do not know this person.

Granda Joe

Ah, maybe just as well, love. He’s an awful prick.

Katya

And when Erin finished reading me her poetry, she showed me some old walls.

Erin

I showed you “the walls”. I showed you the city walls, and they are nothing short of spectacular.

Aunt Sarah

Ach, if she’s not into walls, she’s not into walls, Erin, love.

Mary Quinn

Have you any news, Da?

Granda Joe

Not really, no.

Mary Quinn

Right. Shay Harkham was telling me you were in Duggan’s Bakery yesterday lunchtime.

Granda Joe

Well, that’s hardly news.

Mary Quinn

Two buns he says you ordered.

Granda Joe

Well, I often do.

Mary Quinn

An apple turnover… and a cream horn.

Aunt Sarah

A cream horn?

Erin

That’s not like you, Granda.

Aunt Sarah

Sure, you couldn’t pay you to eat a cream horn.

Granda Joe

Cream finger, it was. Apple turnover and a cream finger.

Mary Quinn

Cream horn, Shay said.

Katya

Horns, fingers. Who cares?

Mary Quinn

He swore on it. Said he saw it being bagged up.

Aunt Sarah

And Big Shay has eyes like a hawk, so he does.

Mary Quinn

Shay said when you left Duggan’s, you turned up Pump Street.

Aunt Sarah

Pump Street? Who do you know on Pump Street, Da?

Mary Quinn

What were you doing heading up Pump Street with a cream horn, Da?

Granda Joe

I was visiting a friend of mine.

Mary Quinn

What friend?

Granda Joe

A new friend.

Mary Quinn

A male friend, was it? Aye, I thought as much. Buying cream horns for his fancy woman. Sarah, what do you think of that?

Granda Joe

We met at the Stations of the Cross.

Erin

What station?

Granda Joe

Jesus falls for the second time.

Aunt Sarah

I could do without the details, Da.

Granda Joe

Maeve and me, we… We just get on well, that’s all.

Mary Quinn

Maeve? That’s her name, is it?

Granda Joe

Yes, that’s right.

Mary Quinn

Maeve. That’s what she’s called, is she?

Granda Joe

She is, aye.

Mary Quinn

Maeve. Maeve. Really? Maeve?

Katya

Why does your mother make that sound?

Mary Quinn

I cannot believe this.

Gerry Quinn

I think it’s a good thing, love.

Granda Joe

Just keep out of it, you!

Mary Quinn

And that’s who you were winking at in mass?

Aunt Sarah

Winking? At your age? Christ, I feel sick.

Granda Joe

It was only a friendly wink.

Mary Quinn

There is no such thing as a friendly wink!

Gerry Quinn

Is there not?

Mary Quinn

Our poor mother is barely cold, and you’re straight back out there, winking away.

Gerry Quinn

Your mother’s been dead ten years, Mary.

Granda Joe

Look, I’ll not tell you again!

Mary Quinn

I’m sorry. I seem to have lost my appetite. (she leaves)

Gerry Quinn

(sighs)

Granda Joe

You happy now?

Mary Quinn

Can you believe him? Flaunting it in our faces like this.

Aunt Sarah

I don’t even know the man anymore.

Granda Joe

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

Unbelievable.

Gerry Quinn

Jammie Dodger?

Blessed art thou, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Aunt Sarah

Orla has got really into step aerobics. Her instructor says she’s a natural. Says she’s got what it takes to go all the way.

Mary Quinn

All the way in step aerobics?

Aunt Sarah

But it’s out of control now, Mary. She’s stepping morning, noon and night. Apart from anything else, it’s dangerous. She nearly came through the ceiling yesterday. Okay, she might be gifted, but I just want her to have a normal childhood.

Aunt Sarah

Do you not think there’s an awful lot of lesbians about nowadays? You can’t move for lesbians. It’s wall to wall lesbians out there.

Gerry Quinn

Really?

Granda Joe

Oh, it’s true. Bridget Gallagher, she’s a lesbian.

Mary Quinn

Bridget Gallagher, who works in the post office?

Granda Joe

I believe so.

Aunt Sarah

Is she not a vegetarian, Da?

Granda Joe

Sorry, you’re right. Vegetarian, Bridget is.

Aunt Sarah

Will any of your crowd be going, love?

Clare

My crowd?

Aunt Sarah

Or can you not get Protestant lesbians?

Clare

No, I think you can get them all right, it’s just…

Granda Joe

I heard that k.d. lang on the radio yesterday. Christ, but she’s some set of pipes on her. You’re a very talented people.

Clare

Thank you?

Mary Quinn

Ach, this is lovely, Gerry.

Gerry Quinn

I thought it’d be nice for us to do something together, just the two of us, you know?

Aunt Sarah

(arriving to see them) Mary! Gerry! You’re not allowed to smoke in this place. Can you believe that? It’s barbaric.

Gerry Quinn

Sarah, what are you doing here?

Aunt Sarah

Mary said you were having a wee night to yourselves, so I thought you might want some company.

Gerry Quinn

Why? W-why would you think that?

Sarah!

Gerry Quinn

Himself as well, is it? Great(!)

Mary Quinn

Sweet Jesus.

Hiya, how are ye?

Aunt Sarah

They don’t let you smoke in here, Ciaran. Can you credit it?

This is a nice surprise. When Sarah asked me to the cinema, I thought, well, I thought she meant just the two of us.

Gerry Quinn

No, Ciaran, because that would be… What’s the word now? Normal.

Double date it is, then, so.

Aunt Sarah

Wonder what’s keeping daddy. (She goes to see Granda Joe)

Gerry Quinn

Excuse me?

Granda Joe

I’ve got the tickets.

Mary Quinn

We haven’t decided what we want to see yet, Da!

Granda Joe

Well, I liked the look of that one with all the lads in the line-up. It’s got your man in it, the farmer from glenroe.

Mary Quinn

What, Gabriel Byrne?

He’s done a fair bit since glenroe now.

Granda Joe

(to Ciaran) Who are you? His agent?

Mary Quinn

Da, I don’t understand this. You hate the cinema.

Granda Joe

Not since I discovered it’s the only way I can spend time with our colm. It’s the one place the boring bastard doesn’t talk.

Mary Quinn

But colm’s not here, is he, Da? (Granda Joe doesn’t answer) Da?

Uncle Colm

And that’s not to say, now, that in my younger years, I didn’t enjoy a boiled sweet. But then I heard tell of a fella from Ballynahinch-- What was it his name was, now? I had it there a minute ago. Ach, it’ll come to me. Anyway, this Ballynahinch lad, and, as I say, his name escapes me, but he was mad keen on the boiled sweets. Sure he couldn’t get enough of them. But in the end, well, didn’t he choke to death on one? A pear drop, I think it was. Or a clove rock, maybe. But either way, it’s not how I’d want to go.

Mary Quinn

I know, love. I know.

Erin

Wise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear’s going to rock up at a Take That concert!

Orla

He wouldn’t get a ticket, for a start. They sold out months ago.

Mary Quinn

You’d be surprised, girls.

Granda Joe

Aye, thon boys will get in where draughts wouldn’t.

Gerry Quinn

Sure, the concert’s nowhere near the zoo.

Granda Joe

But he’s not in the zoo anymore, is he, Simple Simon? He’s sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.

Aunt Sarah

Aye, keep up, Gerry.

Gerry Quinn

What I’m saying is that it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover.

Mary Quinn

They’re quick on their feet when they wanna be, love.

Orla

Someone might give him a lift.

Erin

Whose side are you on, Orla?

Michelle

Come on, Mary. If you don’t let Erin go, then our mas won’t let us go.

Mary Quinn

Well, neither they should, and I’ll be ringing them to say as much.

Clare

Oh, brilliant!

James

I hate my life.

Mary Quinn

Look, girls, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing This and That.

Erin

Take That.

Mary Quinn

But there’ll be other concerts.

Erin

No there won’t. The fact that this one’s happening is a miracle. Nobody good ever comes here ‘cause we keep killing each other.

Aunt Sarah

And now we’re overrun with polar bears.

Granda Joe

Where will it end?

Erin

Seriously!

Mary Quinn

I just cannot believe it.

Aunt Sarah

Listen, Mary. no matter what you’ve done, you’re still my sister. I’ll stand by you.

Mary Quinn

I haven’t done anything, Sarah.

Granda Joe

Exactly, love. Everybody knows you didn’t mean to kill the old boot. God rest her soul.

Mary Quinn

I didn’t kill her.

Granda Joe

You know what I mean. Not kill. Hex.

Mary Quinn

I didn’t hex her either, Da. It was just a very tragic--

Granda Joe

My mother, she had the gift too, you know. By God, that woman could make her enemies drop like flies.

Mary Quinn

Look, I don’t have any gift. There’s no dark forces at play here. I just said something unfortunate that happened to--

Aunt Sarah

Cause her death?

Mary Quinn

Coincide with her death.

Erin

Right, well, that’s the dishes done. Would you like another cup of tea there, Mammy?

Mary Quinn

No, I’m fine.

Erin

I’ll just grab the Hoover, give the stairs a bit of a going over.

Orla

And I’ll maybe do a bit of dusting.

Mary Quinn

What’s gotten into you two. What are you up to? What do you want?

Erin

Nothing. We just thought that we should pull over weight a bit more, Mammy.

Orla

You do so much for us, Aunt Mary.

Erin

You deserve a bit of a break.

Mary Quinn

I can’t hex people, girls. It was an accident.

Gerry Quinn

So, how’s the wicked witch of the northwest?

Granda Joe

Who put 50p in the eejit?

Mary Quinn

God, how am I going to go to this wake?

Granda Joe

It’ll be grand, love. But, listen, say if things do get heated, try not to rise to it. The last thing we want is another dead body on our hands here.

Mary Quinn

I’ll do my best, Da.

Erin

This is a huge deal. This is a massive, massive deal. I’m going to the prom with John Paul O’Reily, for God’s sake. Oh, come on, Mammy.

Mary Quinn

I don’t care if you’re going to the prom with John Paul II, Erin. I’m not buying you another frock. End of story.

Erin

But, Mammy, you don’t understand.

Mary Quinn

There’s nothing wrong with your Easter dress.

Erin

There is lots of things wrong with my Easter dress.

Mary Quinn

I mean, it matches Orla’s.

Erin

That being the main one.

Orla

Honestly, Erin, I think we’ll look so cracker if we both rock in wearing these.

Erin

Right. Well, I don’t.

Aunt Sarah

Och, Mary, you’d think the wean’s been dropped into it. You wouldn’t nip in a bit for her? I’d do it myself but sewing plays havoc with my acrylics.

Mary Quinn

Fine.

Erin

I really like this fella, Mammy.

Mary Quinn

Well, if he really likes you, it won’t matter what you wear.

Erin

Och, come off it!

Aunt Sarah

Have you a date lined up, Orla?

Orla

I do, aye.

Erin

What? With, like, a human?

Orla

Yeah.