I won’t put up with it anymore. Teenagers have rights now, you know.
Mary QuinnDon’t be ridiculous.
They do, Ma. It’s true. Sure, Macaulay Culkin might be divorcing his parents.
Mary Quinn
Do you hear this? This’ll be someone she met at that stupid summer scheme you insisted we send her on. Her bloody “Friends Across the Barricades” thing. I have nothing against Protestants, I’m all for integration, I am, but if they’re letting their weans divorce them…
Macaulay Culkin isn’t a Protestant, Ma.
Mary Quinn
It’s only gonna give our weans ideas.
Well, he might be. I didn’t meet him at Friends Across the Barricades.
Mary Quinn
I don’t care where you met him. You’re not to see him again. Understood?
Okay, that is one portion of redfish, one portion of whitefish, two bags of chips –
No, no, no! Two bags won’t be enough.
Four! Four should cover it.
Three, then. We’ll compromise.
I’ll compromise you through that window.
Mary Quinn
That’s enough, Da.
The tight bastard’s trying to starve us all, Mary!
There was a knock at the door, this must have been, ach, we’re talking eight, half eight, for I was halfway through me dinner. And up I got to open it, and there they both were, large as life. And the taller fella, though, to be fair, there was no more than an inch in it.
Mary Quinn
Jesus wept.
The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he, “Do you know who we are?”
How’s a body supposed to enjoy his dinner?
And I says to him, says I, “Well, I can’t be sure now, but maybe if you took off the balaclavas.” And then he says to me, the slightly taller fella does, he says, “Step aside. We are armed.”
And that’s when the smaller fella, although, as I say, we are talking an inch…
…an inch and a half at most.
He has the bright idea of tying me to the radiator, you see. And I remember saying to myself, says I, “Colm, it’s a good job you have the Economy 7 on the old timer, or you’d be roasted here.”
Did you go for the Economy 7 in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield?
For the love of God, Sarah, no diversions, please.
Mary Quinn
Aye, come on, let’s pick it up. They tied you to the heater.
They did indeed. And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with me new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the--
Well, it was one of the two. He’s looking for the keys to the van, all ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise lounge and all sorts. By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.
Mary Quinn
Colm, they didn’t borrow your van. They stole your van, used it to move arms across the border, and then they blew it up.
Aye. Nightmare altogether.
Why would two gunmen break into a chippy?
What were they looking for?
Mary Quinn
They were looking for the keys to the van. Keep up, Erin.
Do you think we should knock them about a bit?
Mary Quinn
No.
Nothing drastic. Just a few slaps.
Mary Quinn
I said no, Sarah.
What, not even the wee gay fella?
Mary Quinn
Okay, that should do it. Ready?
I hate to be a health and safety stickler, but surely you’re not actually planning on leaving us like this, are you?
Mary Quinn
(whispering) Back door. Back door. Back door. Hurry up.
Mary Quinn
(whispering) Push it, push it.
I’m pushing! I’m pushing it!
Mary Quinn
Hurry up!
FFionnula
What the fuck’s going on here, exactly?!
Mary Quinn
Okay… Um, all right. Well, what happened was… (pointing to Michelle) Michelle was carrying this scented candle…
Mary Quinn
I also have a question, pretty boy. Why are you encouraging all this?
I wouldn’t say I’m encouraging it, I’m just open to the possibility.
Mary Quinn
Well, I’m not. Not unless I see some cold, hard evidence.
And maybe it’s there. Proof at last, Peter, proof at last.
Mary Quinn
Is he all right?
I wouldn’t say so, no. He’s a priest, like.
Hmm. It’s much how I imagine.
Oh, because of my letters? Well, descriptive narrative has always been a strong point--
No, not your letters. I see on news.
What do you mean, you’ve seen on news? You don’t have news in the Ukraine. You don’t have televisions.
Mary Quinn
Erin, stop hogging the Russian.
Yeah, come on, Erin. Give Orla a go.
She’s Ukrainian, actually.
Yeah, go on, love. Say something to Katya.
You name sounds a bit like “cat”.
You don’t know a Jack McGinley, do you? Moved to Moscow, ‘88, ‘89, it would have been.
Curly hair, bit of a lisp.
I do not know this person.
Ah, maybe just as well, love. He’s an awful prick.
And when Erin finished reading me her poetry, she showed me some old walls.
I showed you “the walls”. I showed you the city walls, and they are nothing short of spectacular.
Ach, if she’s not into walls, she’s not into walls, Erin, love.
Mary Quinn
Have you any news, Da?
Mary Quinn
Right. Shay Harkham was telling me you were in Duggan’s Bakery yesterday lunchtime.
Well, that’s hardly news.
Mary Quinn
Two buns he says you ordered.
Mary Quinn
An apple turnover… and a cream horn.
That’s not like you, Granda.
Sure, you couldn’t pay you to eat a cream horn.
Cream finger, it was. Apple turnover and a cream finger.
Mary Quinn
Cream horn, Shay said.
Horns, fingers. Who cares?
Mary Quinn
He swore on it. Said he saw it being bagged up.
And Big Shay has eyes like a hawk, so he does.
Mary Quinn
Shay said when you left Duggan’s, you turned up Pump Street.
Pump Street? Who do you know on Pump Street, Da?
Mary Quinn
What were you doing heading up Pump Street with a cream horn, Da?
I was visiting a friend of mine.
Mary Quinn
What friend?
Mary Quinn
A male friend, was it? Aye, I thought as much. Buying cream horns for his fancy woman. Sarah, what do you think of that?
We met at the Stations of the Cross.
Jesus falls for the second time.
I could do without the details, Da.
Maeve and me, we… We just get on well, that’s all.
Mary Quinn
Maeve? That’s her name, is it?
Mary Quinn
Maeve. That’s what she’s called, is she?
Mary Quinn
Maeve. Maeve. Really? Maeve?
Why does your mother make that sound?
Mary Quinn
I cannot believe this.
I think it’s a good thing, love.
Just keep out of it, you!
Mary Quinn
And that’s who you were winking at in mass?
Winking? At your age? Christ, I feel sick.
It was only a friendly wink.
Mary Quinn
There is no such thing as a friendly wink!
Mary Quinn
Our poor mother is barely cold, and you’re straight back out there, winking away.
Your mother’s been dead ten years, Mary.
Look, I’ll not tell you again!
Mary Quinn
I’m sorry. I seem to have lost my appetite. (she leaves)
Mary Quinn
Okay, I’m going in. (Deirdre Mallon knocks at the door) For the love of God, don’t come in here!
DMDeirdre Mallon
Everything all right, Mary?
Mary Quinn
Stay back, Deirdre. This is the death trap.
DMDeirdre Mallon
Listen, Mary, I hate to do this to you, but me and Martin are both working nights, and I’m nervous about leaving these two on their own, what with the day that’s in it. I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could take them with you?
Mary Quinn
Ach, away, Deirdre, it’s just--
DMDeirdre Mallon
The English thing? Listen, Mary, I understand. I mean, he’s my nephew, and even I find it hard to get past. If I’m totally honest, there’s times when I look at him and I feel… Well… it’s pure hatred. I’ll not dress it up.
Mary Quinn
No, no, it’s not the English thing.
DMDeirdre Mallon
I hope to God it’s not the gay thing you’re offended by.
DMDeirdre Mallon
Because I’d be disappointed in you, Mary. I’ll not lie.
Mary Quinn
Of course not. I mean, if anything, the gay thing sort of cancels out the English thing.
You wouldn’t move over there, James? I can’t see past your massive closet.
Mary Quinn
I’m just not sure we’ll have room in the caravan.
It’ll be grand. Us men can camp outside.
Run and ask Jim across the road for the lend of his tent.
DMDeirdre Mallon
Well, thanks a million, Mary. I owe you one. You know, if you want our Ryan to sort that gable wall of yours out, you’ve only to ask.
Mary Quinn
What’s wrong with our gable wall?
I hope your father appreciates the fact that I was the one who got us out of that mess.
Mary Quinn
He won’t. Nobody back there actually believed you were a Japanese tourist, Gerry. They all thought you were a nutcase. They took pity on you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dear God, no.
Mary Quinn
I can’t find my purse.
I can see your purse right there.
Mary Quinn
No, no, that’s my sterling purse. I’m talking about my punt purse. I can’t find my punt purse, Gerry. Blessed Saint Anthony, the grace of God has made you the patron saint of all things lost and stolen. I turn to you this day with childlike love and deep confidence--
Mary Quinn
Calm down, Gerry? We have no punts! We can’t go to the Free State without punts. We’re puntless. We haven’t a punt between us. Oh, God, I think… I think I’m having a panic attack. Oh, stupid punts.
Over this? So what happened back there was totally fine, but this is worth having a panic attack about?
Mary Quinn
You have to turn around.
There is more chance of me eloping with your father to a flip-flop shop in Hawaii--
Mary Quinn
Look, okay, fine! But that means we won’t be able to buy anything, which means we’ll have no food, which means we’ll all starve to death. So, you know, on your head be it, Gerry. Oh, actually, do you know what? I think I put it in the suitcase.
False alarm there, Saint Anthony. Sorry for troubling you.
Orla has got really into step aerobics. Her instructor says she’s a natural. Says she’s got what it takes to go all the way.
Mary Quinn
All the way in step aerobics?
But it’s out of control now, Mary. She’s stepping morning, noon and night. Apart from anything else, it’s dangerous. She nearly came through the ceiling yesterday. Okay, she might be gifted, but I just want her to have a normal childhood.
Do you not think there’s an awful lot of lesbians about nowadays? You can’t move for lesbians. It’s wall to wall lesbians out there.
Oh, it’s true. Bridget Gallagher, she’s a lesbian.
Mary Quinn
Bridget Gallagher, who works in the post office?
Is she not a vegetarian, Da?
Sorry, you’re right. Vegetarian, Bridget is.
That summer was a remarkable one. It was the summer we dared to dream. For generations, we’d known nothing but violence. Nothing but hatred. But finally we were saying, “Enough is enough.” Finally, we were saying, “Let’s give peace a chance.”
She’s pretending she’s on Parkinson again.
Mary Quinn
(Off-screen) Parkinson? Does she know what time it is? I’ll Parkinson her. I’ve enough on my plate without Parkinson.
Close the door! (But Orla comes in and closes the door) No, Orla. Leave, then close the door.
And it was Wogan, for your information!
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
