[shrieks] The bats of death! They've come for me!
Don't worry, Dad. It's just the bats of bad TV.
Oh, Jakey! I promise, the girls and I will take good care of you from now on.
There's no catch, Jake. That's just your medication talking.
Assuming he's on any medication.
This book will tell us what we need to do now that we have a heart attack survivor in the family.
QuinnAnd guess what, Daddy? I'm going to study to be a doctor!
Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.
Quinn
A heart doctor. If Dad died I would've been freaked out for, like, years.
That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.
Jake, you're going to give yourself a... never mind. Honey, is there anything we can get for you?
Yipe! [EKG machine beeps] I want my mommy.
[Daria struggles to drive on a busy freeway]
Quinn
Tense?
No, there's a lot of stuff going on. You have no idea how complicated driving is.
Quinn
It's not that hard.
How would you know? [a tractor-trailer whizzed by blowing it's horn at her] Dah! A giant truck!
Quinn
Pull over, Daria.
[Daria pulls over and Quinn starts to drive]
I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm letting you do this. I can't believe we're doing this. Hey, when did you learn to drive?
Quinn
God, Daria, what do you think people do on dates?
Quinn
It's all about attitude. You're too timid, Daria. I could do this all day.
Actually, I wouldn't mind if...
Quinn
Your turn. [pulls car over]
But you just started. [sees hitchhiker approaching] No way! We are not picking up some insane, murdering serial killer. How reckless can you get?
Quinn
He's not a killer. I recognize him. It's... Sandi's cousin from Memphis.
Mom and Dad would crucify us.
Quinn
[sarcastically] Right, but taking the car out for a hundred-mile joyride won't bother them at all. Face it, Daria, you're already accessorizing.
You mean, I'm an accessory?
Quinn
Whatever. Look, lighten up. You drive and I'll keep him from murdering us.
TTravis
Howdy! I sure do appreciate this.
Quinn
You're not going to murder us, are you?
Quinn
See? All you have to do is ask.
TTravis
Well, that ornery bull caught sight of my red shirt and that was about it. He must have chased me around that pasture ten times before I could climb over the fence.
Quinn
Wow, Travis, what a great story!
Yeah. It was just as good as the first time I saw it... on Little House on the Prairie.
TTravis
Heck, Dareeah, we could go find that bull right now. The pasture's only 20 miles away.
We have to get to Fremont and bail out the band.
Quinn
Come on, Daria. Stop being timid.
TTravis
Band? Hey, what a coincidence! I'm a musician, too.
Well, bust my legs and call me Shorty.
Quinn
Play us something, Travis.
TTravis
Do you like country music?
Quinn
It's practically the only music I can listen to.
Quinn
Shut up, Shorty. Go ahead and play us something, Travis.
TTravis
Here's a little tune from Mr. Conway Twitty. Hope you like it. [plucks guitar]
So, there aren't any atomic communists?
[Points to the Fashion Club, who are all wearing black turtle necks and berets]
Quinn
Don't say anything.
We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.
One of us has a problem. That's all you need to know.
Oh, dear! What kind of problem?
Quinn
Stacy!
Don't worry, Quinn. They still don't know it's you.
[Quinn screams and runs off]
Did I say the wrong thing?
Quinn
So... now that Sandi's been dumped, she won't dare bring up Marco. [Daria and Jane fall asleep on Quinn's shoulders] EWW! GEET OFF ME! [pushes them away]
Not now, Quinn. I'm talking to your father. You just had to interfere.
Oh, yeah? Well, none of this would've happened if you hadn't left me with that... that nympho!
Come on, Daria. If you don't like any of those other projects, all we're left with is taking out a small-business loan, renting an apartment, or budgeting a funeral.
[Quinn enters living room holding cordless phone]
Quinn
Um, that's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. Bye. [exits living room]
Is that by any chance a sibling's funeral?
Why don't we try the loan? I do want to start my own business after college.
[Jake enters living room holding cellular phone]
Come on, Mel, give me another shot. We'll have them lining up to buy methane-powered hot tubs. Hey, how about this catchphrase: "So it smells? So what!" [pause] Come on, Mel, they're going to repossess my parking space! [exits living room]
Yes, let's start a business. Nothing like being your own boss.
What should we call our company?
"Brink of Bankruptcy, Incorporated"?
[Helen enters living room holding cellular phone]
No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it. [exits living room]
It's a little busy in here. You want to take a break and get some pizza?
Can I put it on my Millennium Project Enterprises expense report?
[Jodie sighs and rolls her eyes]
Quinn
Daria, have you seen my new "Teenage Superstars" magazine?
I couldn't help myself. I plastered my walls with its hot sexy pinups.
Quinn
[pause] I'll ask mom.
Daria, have you seen your father?
Did you look under the "Teenage Superstars" magazine?
BDr. Bacon
All right, Morgendorffers. I've analyzed the data from your individual sessions and I realized what we need to do.
Quinn
Finally, facials.
BDr. Bacon
Actually, I think we need to wear each others faces for a while.
Quinn
Eww! Like that movie with that guy and that other guy?
BDr. Bacon
No, no, no. I'm talking about a little role-playing.
I'll play the role of the crazed surgeon. Scalpel?
BDr. Bacon
I mean, why don't you try being each other.
BDr. Bacon
[to Daria] Do you have a problem with that, Helen?
Quinn
I think she was still being Daria.
BDr. Bacon
Why don't you be Daria?
Quinn
Oh, God, just throw me in front of a train, why don't you.
BDr. Bacon
Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Give it a try.
Quinn
I just did.
BDr. Bacon
All right, Daria. Now can you be Quinn?
If that woman were Judy Garland, this would make sense on a couple of levels.
Come on! Darn! Move! You're a car! That's what you do, that's all you do! Now do it!
Ah, the eternal struggle between man and machine.
Jane And this time, its personal.
[Phone rings]
You're nothing but a... A DAMN RADIO WITH DOORS!
No, Dad and his inner child are playing in the driveway.
Quinn
But he's supposed to pick us up at the mall.
He's discussing that with the car right now. But the car seems to be saying you're taking the bus.
Quinn
The what?
The bus. It's like a bigger car, only with old men sleeping sitting up. At least I hope they're sleeping.
Excuse me, but this isn't my street.
BDBus Driver
No problem. Just click your heels and say there is no place like home. Only do it outside. This is the end of the line.
[Bus drives off, leaving the Fashion Club standing on a decrepit sidewalk in a rundown neighborhood]
Quinn
This place is weird.
Stacy, you're not wearing those bangles again, are you?
Oh, no! It's the Rattling Girl of Lawndale!
Stacy, everyone knows that story was just made up by unpopular people to try to scare popular people into becoming unpopular.
Quinn
You shouldn't make fun, Daria. There are some mysteries that are just beyond our knowledge.
Like the fact that the human ego is bloated enough to believe the force that created the universe gives a crap about our blowouts.
Quinn
You wouldn't say that if your life were touched by an angel!
No, I'd be too busy suing for sexual harassment.
Quinn
Daria! Don't even joke like that. Angels are everywhere; they can hear you.
Then I'm going to my room so we can talk about you behind your back. [exits]
Quinn
Some people just won't listen to logic.
[Just as Quinn leaves, the light fixture falls from the ceiling onto the chair; Quinn looks on in shock]
Oh, Quinn! That just missed you!
I mean, yeah! Are you all right, sweetie?
Quinn
Oh my gosh! If I hadn't gotten up at just that second, that would've hit my head.
Quinn
Someone, or something, told me to get out of that chair. Don't you see? This is proof that I have a guardian angel.
[goes in the kitchen] Of course it's decaf! Damn sadistic waiter. I should have stiffed him when I had the chance! [grabs milk and heads to the counter; he turns on the stove and makes himself a glass of warm milk; he then proceeds to knock over the milk carton] Damn milk! [grabs paper towel and stretchs over the stove] Grr... [the milk causes him to slip, hitting his chin on the counter with a grunt] Damn it! Where does Helen hide the mop? [he heads to the utility closet, not noticing that the paper towel has caught fire] [sniffing] Funny, I could swear I smell smoke. [screams when he sees the stove on fire] Fire! Fire!
[on phone, sleepily] No, Eric, it's only 1:00 a.m. Of course you didn't wake me.
Oh, my God, Eric, the house is on fire! I'll have to call you back! [very slight pause] No, I don't know when! [very slight pause] No, you can't hold!
Daria! What are you doing in bed when the house is on fire?!
[puts glasses on] Um, trying to find out if these blankets are flame-retardant?
Well, do it later! Come on! Out of the house! [grabs Daria and runs out of the room]
[Quinn is rummaging frantically through her dresser while talking on the phone]
Quinn
Sandi, this is terrible! I don't even have time to pack, and I can't run out of the house looking like this!
Quinn! Come on! [grabs phone]
Quinn
But... [gets pushed out of the room]
Sandi? She'll have to call you back. [very slight pause] No, I don't know when!
[cut to outside, the Morgendorffers and their neighbors watch the fire department]
Jake, leaving paper towels by an open flame? What's wrong with you?!
Mom's right. Kerosene would have been much more effective.
Well, I remember thinking, Damn it, damn waiter with his damn phony decaf. Then I was thinking, I need some damn milk...
[cut to the kitchen where the family and an insurance adjustor inspects the damage]
AAdjustor
Luckily it's mostly just smoke damage, but we'll still have to repaint upstairs and down. I'd say we're looking at two weeks.
AAdjustor
Meanwhile, your policy allows you to stay in a hotel on a per diem. The Dutchman Inn would be in budget.
Quinn
The Dutchman Inn? That place with the giant clog?!
Quinn
Eww! You're not really gonna eat all that fat, are you?
No, I'm going to stick it in my boots 'cause I love the squishy, squishy feeling 'round my toes.
Quinn
Eww! Daria, you're making me nauseous!
[the Fashion Club is meeting in Sandi's bedroom]
Then it's unanimous. Under no circumstances will the Fashion Club accept applicants with stubby fingertips. Stacy, what is the next qualification to discuss under our agenda?
Weight guidelines...unless you want to talk about something else!
If it's all right with you, Stacy, I prefer to conduct this meeting in an orderly fashion. With that said, I'm moving to scale back the number of allowable of pounds back by three.
Quinn
Um, Sandi, I think it's a really cute idea and all, but it might make it really hard to find new members.
Obviously I'm the only one in this room concerned with the burgeoning obesity problem tearing apart the very fabric of our land.
If I must stand alone in setting exemplary standards for others to follow, so be it. You're all overruled. Next topic.
That's mine! Give it back!
Um, the next topic is eyelash density.
Excuse me. [she leaves the room and sees Sam and Chris fighting over the remote] Shut up, you little brats!
[the truck suddenly heads right for Sandi's legs and Sandi trips over the truck and tumbles down the stairs]
[laying at the bottom of the stairs, clutching her leg] My leg! It's broken!
Daria · 137 quotes
