[goes in the kitchen] Of course it's decaf! Damn sadistic waiter. I should have stiffed him when I had the chance! [grabs milk and heads to the counter; he turns on the stove and makes himself a glass of warm milk; he then proceeds to knock over the milk carton] Damn milk! [grabs paper towel and stretchs over the stove] Grr... [the milk causes him to slip, hitting his chin on the counter with a grunt] Damn it! Where does Helen hide the mop? [he heads to the utility closet, not noticing that the paper towel has caught fire] [sniffing] Funny, I could swear I smell smoke. [screams when he sees the stove on fire] Fire! Fire!
[on phone, sleepily] No, Eric, it's only 1:00 a.m. Of course you didn't wake me.
[offscreen] Fire! Fire!
Oh, my God, Eric, the house is on fire! I'll have to call you back! [very slight pause] No, I don't know when! [very slight pause] No, you can't hold!
Daria! What are you doing in bed when the house is on fire?!
[puts glasses on] Um, trying to find out if these blankets are flame-retardant?
Well, do it later! Come on! Out of the house! [grabs Daria and runs out of the room]
[Quinn is rummaging frantically through her dresser while talking on the phone]
Sandi, this is terrible! I don't even have time to pack, and I can't run out of the house looking like this!
Quinn! Come on! [grabs phone]
But... [gets pushed out of the room]
Sandi? She'll have to call you back. [very slight pause] No, I don't know when!
[cut to outside, the Morgendorffers and their neighbors watch the fire department]
Jake, leaving paper towels by an open flame? What's wrong with you?!
Mom's right. Kerosene would have been much more effective.
What were you thinking?!
Well, I remember thinking, Damn it, damn waiter with his damn phony decaf. Then I was thinking, I need some damn milk...
Oh, never mind.
[cut to the kitchen where the family and an insurance adjustor inspects the damage]
Luckily it's mostly just smoke damage, but we'll still have to repaint upstairs and down. I'd say we're looking at two weeks.
Two weeks?
Meanwhile, your policy allows you to stay in a hotel on a per diem. The Dutchman Inn would be in budget.
The Dutchman Inn? That place with the giant clog?!
More from this episode
All quotes from this episode →More Daria quotes · These quotes come from Wikiquote's Daria pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.