GMr. Gupty
Now, Daria, I hope Quinn explained our rules. Were you planning on having a boyfriend in the house? Because, ha, we don't allow that.
DariaNo problem. I'm flying solo these days.
GMrs. Gupty
Then I guess it's not an issue.
Daria
Unless I pick up somebody on the way over.
[short laugh] She's kidding, Mrs. Gupty. My sister's a big kidder. [scowls] Ha, ha, Daria.
Daria
Ha, ha, Quinn.
GMr. Gupty
Ha ha! Well, you'll need a sense of humour to tangle with our little devils!
GMr. Gupty
No, seriously, they're great kids. See you Saturday Daria!
Daria
Bye. [hangs up] $10 surcharge if I have to spend more than 15 minutes with the parents.
[Daria's flashback #1: toddler Daria is seated at a table, baby Quinn in a high chair at the other side of the table, and a gray-haired woman is seated between them, attempting to feed Quinn; the table is a mess, and Quinn is crying]
Little Daria
Can we punish her now? It's time for her punishment! Can we punish her now? [Daria throws a bowl of food that splatters on the table, as the babysitter puts her head down and sobs]
[flashback #2: a slightly older Daria and Quinn are fighting on the floor while an elderly woman with a cane watches helplessly]
BSBaby-sitter
Stop that! Stop that! Oh! [drops cane] It's my heart!
[flashback #3: a preteen Daria and a young Quinn are seated between their teenaged girl baby-sitter and her boyfriend; she's scowling, he's looking overwhelmed by the situation]
CDChild Daria
You know, she stuffs her bra.
CQChild Quinn
Hi, I'm Quinn. I'll be allowed to date in four years.
[flashback ends]
[Quinn and Daria are at Dr. Shar's office]
SDr. Shar
[into phone] Of course it's gonna be harder to breathe, hon. Those nostrils are itty-bitty compared to the ones you had. Try breathing through your mouth. Go on, try it! In, out. That sounds good. Again, sweetie. In, out. You keep that going! Bye! [hangs up] So, hello there, Quinn, whichever one of you is Quinn. What brings you here?
SDr. Shar
Oh, honey, nothing wrong with that nose. It's a pretty little schnoz!
SDr. Shar
No! It's the tiniest little thing.
Thank you. Can you fix it?
SDr. Shar
Oh, honey, I wouldn't touch it. It would be a crime against nature, and an ethics violation Dr. Shar just doesn't need right now! But, let's see if we can't do something. [camera focuses on Quinn] Quinn, would you like to see yourself with cheekbones?
[Dr. Shar manipulates image on computer to give Quinn prominent cheekbones]
SDr. Shar
We all do, honey, and maybe that baby fat will drop away and yours will show. You never know. But for twenty-three hundred dollars, this one month only, you can be sure.
[image of Quinn changes as Dr. Shar makes "improvements"]
SDr. Shar
All right hon, let's make some lips... dimple you up... two more... something's missing... oh! I know! [beauty mark appears on image] And as long as we're here, let's do something about that hair. [Quinn's long red hair is replaced with curly blonde hair] [prints out the image]
SDr. Shar
And only six thousand dollars, so far. Anything else?
Daria
Can I see what she'd look like with eyebrow ridges and a large, sloping forehead?
SDr. Shar
Alright, funny gal! Your turn.
Daria
No. Thank you!
SDr. Shar
Nothing to be afraid of.
Daria
I'm not afraid.
Daria
I don't like fun!
[camera focuses on Daria]
SDr. Shar
Oh, where shall we begin? Hmmm... nose, chin, eyes, cheeks, lips, hair... alrighty! Let's have a look, okay? [she quickly manipulates different parts of Daria's face and hair until the image looks exactly like Quinn] It's a start!
Oh, look, Daria, you're cute! Dr. Shar, do you think maybe I can get a couple more of these, wallet size?
Daria
Pledge drive not going well?
People are so shallow! Here, this is all I got and it's for you, from Upchuck.
Daria
Why?
Deposit. He wants to rent that fake boob for the weekend.
Daria
Listen, Quinn...
You know, maybe I should get boobs. I bet if I got some boobs on credit, I can get the rest of the money in no time.
Daria
Quinn...
Or maybe Dr. Shar will give me a part time job sweeping up fat or something.
Daria
Quinn...
I mean, I like being attractive and popular. It's, like, me, okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everyone else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back, and pretty soon it'll be like one of those vicious things! [melodramatic tone] Where will it end Daria? Where will it end?
Daria
You don't need surgery, Quinn. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, and I'll deny I ever said it, but there's nothing wrong with you... physically. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it. You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect.
Why do I even bother talking to you?
Don't start, girls. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.
Daria
I didn't know I had a curfew.
Well, that's interesting, Daria; I didn't, either. But according to your mother...
Jake! The point is, you were out way too late, which is why tonight we're going to...
Destroy our lives with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe, Mother! I can't breathe!
No, tonight we're going to set some... boundaries. And we'd like your input.
Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
Daria
Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?
Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.
Great dinner, honey. Right, girls?
Daria
Now, off to the exercise yard before lockup.
Hey, that's right! Any final words before grounding official begins?
What have I said about using that word?
That you'll ground me or something?
Hey, I wouldn't want to go back to Family Court if I were you. [chuckles] I hear the judge is pretty tough.
[clock chimes]
See? This will fly by in no time.
You'd never catch me in a job like that.
Daria
[thinking] Because it falls under the category of employment.
Hey, man, we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years.
Daria
[thinking] Still living over your parent's garage?
[loud whisper] Say it, Daria. Whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't, they'll go on like this for hours.
Eyes on the prize, man. Eyes on the prize.
Yeah, and this guy's not about selling out.
'Cause for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying. [looks at Daria] Well, someone had to pick up the slack!
Daria
Can you rig that glue-gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.
Well, you're not your usual sunny self.
Daria
I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...
And all in front of Trent.
Daria
...Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there; you go on to Alternapalooza. Tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.
Daria, if there's one thing I know about my brother is that he's oblivious. There's no need to be self-conscious.
Daria
[sighs] Okay.
Now what are you gonna do about that stain on your butt? [Daria glares at her] Kidding! It looks alternative.
Daddy, Remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be $50 an hour.
Well I got the bad news on the periodontist, 6 months worth of gum work, $800 a month.
Daria
Mail's here. Did you know Congress still spends 250 billion a year on the military?
250 BILLION A YEAR??? Damn it, that's it Daria! What am i made of? Money?
Jake, were you listening? Daria said--
Tutoring, dental work, Congress!! I'm not a machine dammit. I'm a man. For once in my stinking life, show a little-[screams in pain]
IT'S MY EYE, OH GOD IT'S MY EYE! (removes his hand to reveal his left eye is red from a burst blood vessel)
Daria
Oh no...(whispers to Quinn): get the camera!
No camera, Daria. (to Jake): Uhh, remember what the doctor said the last time you burst a blood vessel?
Yeah. He said, "That'll be $200."
Lemme get this straight. You, Jake, Helen, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like in the woods camping?
Daria
I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.
Daria
Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed.
You know where I'll be this weekend? The Lane Family Reunion. Dozens of Lanes from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split-level to remind themselves why they scattered in the first place.
Daria
I wouldn't think your parents would be caught dead at something like that.
They wouldn't. We're the black sheep of the clan. We're only invited because hating us brings them closer together.
Daria
You know, a weekend is the woods is starting to look good.
A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look good.
Why, Quinn, you look darling!
You look so happy, sweetie!
I felt happy. I always feel happy on picture day. Do you think that "Nature's Precious Wonders" was a good background? Because I almost went with "Starlight over Yosemite."
[screen shows Quinn's school picture]
I think it was a fine choice. What did you pick, Daria?
Daria
Black clouds swallowing Chernobyl?
Come on, Daria, where's your school picture?
[Daria hands over her picture]
Wow! That's sharp focus...
Daria, just once, why can't you smile when somebody takes your picture?
Daria
I don't like to smile unless I have a reason.
Daria, people judge you by your expressions.
Daria
Yes, and I believe there is something intrinsically wrong with that system, and have dedicated myself to changing it.
Hey, did you guys see these? [holds up wallet size photos]
[in the hallway, Daria and Jane stand in front of their poster]
Daria
Just about.
[sees Jodie walking towards them] Wait.
[walking up] What are you guys doing here?
Daria
Observing.
I can't believe what Ms. Li did to your poster. Wait a minute...what are you guys planning?
Daria
Get lost Landon.
Daria
You got a bright future kid.
You don't want to be here when what's going to go down goes down.
Hey! It's my daughter the genius.
Our own academic achiever.
We're all so proud of you. Aren't we, Daria?
Daria
Sure, if you mean proud as in "stunned."
Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I could ask for. Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get, like, a little present.
Now, Quinn, I really think...
[Interrupts] I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart. You got an A, you should be rewarded. Here you go!
Daria
Wait, isn't that a double standard?
Daria
You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I get for free?
Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward; It's a motivational thing.
Daria
But won't that demotivate your other daughter whose work is consistently good?
Yes, Jake, where are you going with this?
I wasn't finished. Daria should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work.
And Quinn should have a special one time reward for her one time effort.
Daria
But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time, perhaps with compound interest?
[passes his wallet] Here, just take it! Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!
Listen to this. "Like a hamster on one of those wheel things, school runs us around and around until we yearn for the food pellet. But only more homework awaits." You know, it's like she read my mind.
Daria
Right after you suffered a severe blow to the head.
[comes in] Could you put that away? They're everywhere.
Daria
What are you doing here? Bomb scare at your table?
Keep it down, okay? I'm trying to keep a low profile since the paper came out.
Daria
Lucky for you, the Pulitzer committee has already finished eating.
Daria
You must be very excited about what people are calling you.
Come on, because of one little essay?
Daria
It's a slippery slope. Behold, the future.
[Gestures to a table of geeks, one of whom is blowing milk out of his nose and making everybody else laugh]
Last week, they were trying out for football, then they won one debate tournament.
What am I gonna do? I can't be a brain! My friends will hate me!
Daria
Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make in Chess Club.
Maybe I can steal all the newspapers before anyone else reads them.
Daria
Hey, wait a minute, "Brains." You don't even have lunch this period, do you?
Of course not! I cut Science so I can talk to you. You think I'd sit with you while my grade is at lunch?
Daria
About that being mistaken for a brain thing? I wouldn't worry too much about it.
[giving her car keys to the valet] I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and you're a dead man.
RRita
Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming.
I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day.
RRita
Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things?
Out loud? So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude. And Roger. How's the skydiving going?
Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul.
RRita
Oh. Sorry Paul. How do you do?
Daria
And he was one of the lucky ones.
Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it? I like the way you think, Daria.
RRita
Now, Amy, I don't know where we're going to seat you... [leads Amy into building]
I need a drink. [Jake laughs] Why are you laughing? [Jake's laughter dies as he follows Helen inside]
Wow, Aunt Amy's really weird.
Daria
Yeah.
[dark clouds roll in, thunder rumbles]
Daria · 137 quotes
