Dan! How did you get here?
If you thought I couldn't chew my way through duct tape, you don't know me as well as you think.
That's right, Chris, your wife has joined the conspiracy to stop me from being here.
Ew cooties. Break it up. I need you to create a diversion so I can sneak inside. Chris, do that stupid fight song. You know "rah rah, whoo whoo". The one that makes you look like a complete idiot.
Dan, if you want to come in, buy a ticket and get a name tag. But then my attack won't be a surprise! You really have no sense of theater. [sees his friends walk by] It's Perry and Rajneesh. From the A.V. club. Hey guys! [runs over to them]
Come in, Dan. No one's looking.
[comes in from the window] I'm glad you can put your personal agenda aside and--- [Elise grabs him and puts him inside the locker] Ow!
Chris is going to make new friends tonight. Friends who call before they come over. Who returns the things they barrow. Friends who aren't wanted by Interpol. [punches the locker and walks away]
[inside the locker] Trapped in a locker? This is just like high school!
[Dan traps Chris in a gym bag dragging him outside]
[muffling] Oh, I get it. I get it. Is that you, Rajneesh? Are we re-enacting the A.V. Club initiation? Well, bring on the pudding! [Dan takes off Gym Bag] Oh...
I decided to give you one more chance to redeem yourself.
Dan, for the last time... [Dan opens his car trunk and reveals the owl suit] Ah! It's the owl suit! The one I would've worn if I was elected mascot. Wait a minute. How did you get this?
Dressing up as a mascot is an embarrassment! I was saving you from yourself!
You're the one who stole it?
I didn't plan to keep this long. But it's surprisingly difficult to unload an owl suit.
How could you do that to me? You knew that was my dream!
[gets the Owl Mask] If you help me, you get to wear it. In all its feathery glory.
No, I can't use the mascot in service of evil?
[yelling, running away] NOOOO!!!
[puts on the mask] Sheesh. Some people are so dramatic.
DDoctor
Well, you're sick.
Guess you were right. I'll have to buy you a drink at Bingo.
DDoctor
Dan, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a pretty bad case of the common cold. A cold is a viral infection in the upper respiratory tract.
Are you telling me you've never had a cold before?
I happen to lead a very healthy lifestyle. [sneezes]
DDoctor
Dan, if you want to get over this thing, you must avoid physical exertion.
No problem, I've been avoiding it my whole life.
DDoctor
That means no bingo.
No bingo?! COMMON COLLLLLLLLD!!!! [he coughs]
DDoctor
Well, sorry, there's no cure for the common cold. [walks away]
What are you talking about?! If modern science can cure a ham, you can cure a common cold.
DDoctor
With all of the life threatening diseases that are yet to be cured, there's isn't the manpower nor the resources to exhaust on such a mild virus.
Oh, I get it. You're lazy. [takes the stethoscope away from the doctor]
DDoctor
Hey! Where are you going with my stethoscope?
To do what you should have done a long time ago. I'm going to cure the common cold! [leaves]
[gives the doctor his money] For the stethoscope. [leaves]
Hey, what happened to Giselle?
Let's just say she's going to need another nose job.
Wow, that really- [sneezes]
Oh, no. Now you've got a- [sneezes]
[satisfied while Elise and Chris stare at him angrily] Don't look at me. I feel great.
[Dan gets pulled over when a police officer shows up]
PPolice Officer
Do you know why I pulled you over?
No, officer. I wasn't speeding and my hands never stayed from the 10 and 2 position. Not even when I sneezed.
PPolice Officer
Your plates have expired. License and registration.
[while looking for his license and registration] Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt. What's this? Hey, Ninja Dave's receipt.
PPolice Officer
How about we start with your license? [Dan gives his license to him] Bad hair day, huh?
I'm sorry, did I get pulled over by the fashion police?
PPolice Officer
This license is expired.
But my voter registration is completely up to date. Good citizen.
PPolice Officer
I'll have to write you a "fix-it" ticket. You'll need to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles and get this all sorted out.
This is an outrage! I demand you tear up that ticket at once!
PPolice Officer
Stay in your car, sir!
I will not! My friend Chris pays taxes and those taxes pay your salary! [the officer sprays pepper in his face] Pepper spray? Really? Do I look like a 5 year old?
PPolice Officer
Sir, if you don't calm down, I'll be happy to upgrade to my nightstick.
But I wasn't doing anything wrong!
PPolice Officer
Hey, I don't make the rules. Blame the DMV.
PPolice Officer
Ooh, and I am going to have cite you for noise violation. [gives Dan another ticket for noise violation and drives away]
I need to renew my license.
HHence
Wow. That's a bad hair day.
I had just woken up in a dumpster in Sacramento. It was a bad day all around.
HHence
I'll need to see some I.D. This is expired.
Hence, the need to renew it.
HHence
I need something current, with your picture, your name, and the date.
Hey, I've got something. [gives Hence a picture of Dan]
Why do you have my mug shot?
This one looks so adorable I, just had to keep it.
HHence
[hands Dan a pile of papers] Fill these out, bring them back with the correct documentation. Thank you!
There's nothing like a great ski trip! Just you, me, the snow and-
Can we get some heat back here?
If I get frost bite, you're buying me new toes.
Well it was either bring him along or risk him sabotaging the trip.
Obviously. Do you know how it feels to be left behind? And besides, why wouldn't you bring me? I love skiing. [sees a lot of people skiing] Wait...what are these people doing?
THIS is skiing? What's the one where you shoot clay discs with a rifle?
Yeah! That's the one I like! I despise skiing.
You know how I feel about trying things.
Well, I guess we should have known better. Shall we pack it up and go?
Hold on. It's just a one night trip. Dan, you can survive one night. And why don't you make the most of it? Skiing's a lot of fun.
If you want to dress up like an astronaut and get a concussion that's your business, but I didn't take my stupid pills this morning, so if you think-- [cut to him, Chris, and Elise at the ski lift] --that I'm going to strand myself at the top of a mountain with those snow hippies, you are very wrong.
Well, we're almost to the top, so you may as well give it a shot. [he and Elise leave to ski]
How do you stop this thing? Hurling myself down a mountain at terminal velocity goes against every natural instinct in my body. And that guy's.
It's easy. If you want to go forward, just make your skis look like french fries. See? And if you want to stop, you just make your skis look like pizza.
Is there anything that doesn't remind you of food?
Speaking of which, I've already worked up a bit of an appetite. I wonder if you can tell if the snack bar is open from up here.
Uh, Chris? Chris? [goes down skiing]
Where's the emergency brake on this thing?
LGLittle Girl
Mommy, mommy take my picture! Take my-- [gets caught with Dan] Mommy!!!
Man, this place is a death tra-AAH! SKIIII TRRRIIIPPP!!! [falls down and lands in the snow] Ow ow ow!
[Dan and Elise are at a cabin together]
[takes a sip of his hot chocolate] Man, this is peaceful. [breaks his drink] I hate it.
No TV, no cell phone service, no thank you! You can take a cab home. I'm getting out of here right now. [opens the door as snow falls] What's this nonsense?
Looks like a blizzard. Which means Chris is stranded with a bunch of strangers and I'm stuck here with you.
A blizzard? You think a bunch of flakey water is gonna stop ME? [closes the door but opens again as he gets icicles on his nose] OK. I've got icicles in my nose.
I told you, the only thing you can do with a storm like this is wait it out. And by these look of these clouds, it could be a while. Maybe even all night.
All night? Oh no. No, no, no, no. I agreed to try skiing, I agreed to sip your cocoa, I even let you tie me up and gag me, but there is no way, and I mean NO WAY, I am staying in this meat locker for an entire night! [he wakes up from the chair and gets the keys] So long, Elise. I hope you choke on a big pile of- [opens the door and finds out that snow is coming from outside] Snow!
MMan
Which one of you is Dan?
Who wants to know?! The trilateral commission? Freemasons? [gets a paper about jury duty thrown on his face]
MMan
L.A. Superior Court, buddy. You've been served.
MMan
We tried to notify you by mail, but you never responded.
I don't open mail from the government. That's what they want you to do.
MMan
We'll see you in court. [walks away]
But my friends and I need to drive around until we find the aliens that abducted me! We have to make them pay for what they did! Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.
MMan
You show up for jury duty, or you go to jail. Your choice.
Dan has to perform his civic duty!
Don't worry Dan. Elise and I will drive you.
MMan
Elise? You're Elise?
DEDan and Elise
[yelling] JURY DUTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Your honor, I am also in the process of giving birth. And I'm also emotionally fragile, having been recently abducted by aliens. [cut to Dan being locked in a hamster cage] Alternate juror? That's even worse! I still have to be here, but I can't send anyone to prison!
CCrunch
I'm just happy to be of service to my community. By the way, that's Olaf. He doesn't speak any English.
Then how do you know what his name is?
CCrunch
Oh I'm like, totally fluent in Danish. Anyway, Olaf isn't even a juror. He wandered in by mistake when he was looking for the bathroom.
I'm tunneling out. [he digs down under the cage until he gets hit at the bottom]
CCrunch
Don't go yet, bro-face. They're supposed to give us food pellets in like an hour.
[pops up] Useless! Under the layer of newspaper there's just more bars.
JJudge
Has the jury selected a foreman?
We have, your honor. It's me.
[Elise sighs]
[whisper-yelling] CHRIS! Hey, Chris! You've got to bust me out of here.
I'm not "busting you out" of jury duty.
Just go to my apartment, all right?! In my closet, you'll find a a plastic gun, a block of thermite, a wig, makeup, petroleum jelly-
But sadly, no clean clothes.
JJudge
[clank clank] Are you trying to influence one of my jurors, or just disturbing the proceedings?
Uh, the second one? [gets kicked out of the court] I'll just wait out here, then.
Where did all these farmers' markets come from, anyway? And what are all those things they're selling?
They're called vegetables, Dan. You should try them sometime.
What about me makes you think I'd have any interest in eating vegetables!
If I want something sweet, I'll have candy. Like an adult.
Look, you can't live on just hamburgers and turkey sandwiches, Dan. It's not healthy.
I'll have you know my grandfather lived to be a hundred and 8.
Oh? Did he eat only meat and bread, as well?
No, but he MINDED HIS OWN BUSINESS! [he realizes that Burgerphile serves broccoli instead of fries] What on God's green earth is that thing? You stay back, deviant! Get away from me!
Oh, right! I read about this. In an effort to be more healthy, this month they're replacing the french fries with a different vegetable every week. This week's broccoli-palooza.
Come on, we're going to another Burgerphile.
Uh, no, it's ALL Burgerphiles. Everywhere. [Dan knocks down a plate of broccoli and heads out]
VEGETABLLLLLLLLLLLES!!!!!!!
This has been so much fun. We really should get hold of devastatingly toxic chemicals more often.
I am rather enjoying myself. Where to next?
There's one last broccoli farm left in the greater Los Angeles area. We take that out, they'll HAVE to serve fries at Burgerphile again.
[both vehicles stop in the middle of road]
Dan! [comes out from the car and confronts him for taking her ID] You are a dead man!
[comes out from the truck] Okay, before you start in on one of your irrational "You-took-my-ID-a and-used-it-to-steal-weapons-grade-def foliants-from-the army," let's take a moment to think about what's really important. Friendship. [Elise punches him] Ow! Jerk!
It's in the truck! Go ahead and take it, I don't need it any more anyway. I only have one more farm to destroy and then I'm done. For now.
I'm taking the defoliant back, too.
But the last broccoli farm!
Let it be a lesson to you. If Chris wasn't involved, I'd have you arrested for high treason!
In that case, I'm glad Chris is involved.
[angrily gets in the truck and sees Chris hiding] And you! You're not hiding!
First off, let me say I'm sorry. Second, let me say I don't know what I'm apologizing for.
We will talk about it at home.
Uh, you didn't leave the keys in the car, did you?
[Dan takes the car and drives away offscreen]
Dan! Get back here! Let's get after him.
He has the keys to the truck, too.
[after Dan's car got crashed]
[sees his car destroyed] You did not.
TGTerrifi-Guy
My bad, citizen.
BAD?! The Bubonic Plague was "bad"! THIS IS AN ATROCITY!
TGTerrifi-Guy
Not to worry. Most insurance covers superhero-related damages. [flies away]
I don't have insurance! Get back here! SUPERHEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Elise steps into the garage to spot Dan and Chris as Batman and Robin Expies, Chris awkwardly crosses his legs, and she bursts into laughter]
[in hysterics] Actually, you know what? Never mind! I'd rather be surprised when I watch the news! [leaves]
Great. Now Elise thinks I'm an idiot.
