[at the barber shop having his haircut] 1 haircut, my good man, and make me look dashing. Sounds like somebody's got a date. Well, hop up. I do have a date. She's cute, and she likes zombie spaghetti westerns, a cinematic subgenre of which I consider myself a connoisseur. We are going to see "A Fistful of Brains" tonight. She sounds like the perfect girl. Don't I know it. And pretty too.
Why do you have her driver's license?
To run a background check, make sure she's not a serial killer or an organ donor. They don't always wait till you're dead, you know. Possibly the future ex-Mrs. Dan if she plays her cards right.
Well, don't worry. I'll make sure you look nice and handsome for your date. [cuts his hair with a razor offscreen]
[inside the barber shop] NOOOO! You made me a monster!
Wait! You forgot your lollipop!
[runs off and hides his haircut using his shirt until he sees himself in the puddle] Maybe it's not so bad. [he walks off until he sees a lady with a baby as the baby cries at Dan's horrible haircut]
LLady
My apologies, sir. She is usually so calm. I am so sorry about your obviously horrible, grotesquely disfiguring accident. [the lady leaves]
[Dan arrives at Chris and Elise's house with a bad haircut]
It's not that bad. Okay, it's pretty bad.
You know, he did this on purpose to ruin my date.
That seems a little paranoid. Why would a barber- wait. Date?
Seriously? With a real, live girl?
And just what are you implying? What are you telling her?
I'm sorry. I just don't-- I mean, how does that even-- I mean, how did you get her to say yes?
The Dan method. [chuckles] She totally fell for it. First, I ask her about the book she was reading. Then, during our conversation, I discovered that she likes a lot of the same stuff I like. Then we talked about that stuff. It was masterful, if I do say so myself.
Yes, devious. You talked to her.
And he found out that they had a lot in common.
I'm picking up a lot of sarcasm here, but I'm not getting what it's about.
I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just impressed. That's great.
It was great, and then that ham-fisted hack barber did this to me. Now I'll have to cancel my date.
Why? If a girl really likes you, a bad haircut won't make a difference.
What do you know about what women like? You married Chris.
Anyway, I can't see Becky until my hair grows back.
Why don't you just shave your head?
Calp fungus. I just need a temporary excuse, something simple and plausible. [he calls Becky]
Hi, Becky. It's Dan. Bad news. The FBI just discovered a new species of penguin, beautiful and endangered, and they want me to club one to death and dissect it immediately.
Yeah. They're doing that now. So I leave for the North Pole tonight.
BBecky
But penguins live at the South Pole.
Yeah. Everybody's pretty surprised. Anyway, I won't be able to go to the movie tonight.
BBecky
Mm, that's okay. My friend Mike really wanted to see it. I'll just go with him.
Oh, Mike. Good. [hangs up the phone] Mike. [he writes Mike's name on his list] Mike. Well, anyway, I'll be back in 3 weeks or so. I'll call you then.
She's going with MIKE? Man, I hate that barber. Help me get back at him.
It'll take 10 minutes. You hold him down, and I cut off his hands.
Maybe something less felonious.
What, like the barber gave me a bad haircut, so I give him a bad haircut? Wow! Real-hey. Can I borrow your hedge trimmers?
[Dan, Chris, and Elise arrive at the lake]
This is it. It's beautiful! Yeah, the perfect place to relax. There he is, my archnemesis. [while looking at the lake through Chris' binoculars] Becky? Wait a minute! [he yells and destroys Chris' binoculars]
It's Becky! The barber's her father!
[Chris and Elise have been arrested]
This is all a misunderstanding.
We're very sorry about all this.
Now is not a good time, Dan. We're being arrested. What did you do?
We didn't do anything. You told us you rented this cabin.
Oh, right. I lied about that. Hey, when you get done at the police station, can you help me break into the barber's cabin? I messed up, and now-
I am not helping you do anything ever again.
We both know you don't mean-
[as the police takes him to the police car] Still think he turned a corner?
That is your last I told you so. One more, and you join Dan in a shallow grave.
Weren't you wearing handcuffs a second ago?
[Dan relaxing after shaving Barber's hair]
Well, it took a lot of work but I got even with the barber. Now I can sleep. Good night, Mr. Mumbles.
[Barber enters in Dan's apartment, with a scissor, he is now bald]
[Dan screams]
I'm not gonna hurt you, Dan... yet!
Oddly, that's less reassuring than I'd like it to be.
I am here to declare a barber vendetta on you.
Did you think barbers just cut hair? [pulls out razor]
Of course not. They also sing in quartets. Oh!
since the dawn of Western civilization, barber surgeons were responsible for surgery, [stabs poster with a scissor] dentistry [stabs couch with a razor] and bloodletting. Bloodletting, Dan. You have insulted me, Dan! I am here to declare the Hallowed Society [pulls of Dan's beanie] of Barber Surgeons is going to end your life! Soon! [puts on beanie] And you won't see it coming! Sleep well. [leaves]
[Chris is massaging Elise's back]
I did just spend a day in jail.
Yeah, well, let's just forget all about-
No, Dan's hiding in our bushes again. I swear I'm going to set a bear trap in there someday.
[walks by and opens the door to see Dan hiding in their bushes] Come on in, Dan.
[Dan enters]
Phew! Nice to be in a place where they don't want to kill you. [sits on the couch]
[pulls the coffee table away from Dan] I wouldn't assume that.
For the last time, I'm sorry about the cabin. Also, for the first time. [eats grapes]
Are you sorry because you lied to us or are you just saying sorry because you need our help?
Look, what's important is barbers have a shadowy, secret organization.
Sure, the Hallowed Society of Barber Surgeons.
Eh. The good news is that any organization like that is bound to have a rigid code of conduct. If you can find out what the rules are, you can exploit them.
Oh, please! I'll do anything. I'll... I'll rent you a cabin. For real.
[Elise closes book, looks at Chris]
[Dan and Chris arrive at an art museum]
I can't believe she thinks I have bad taste. Well, when I get back from this museum, I'll be the most educated, refined art lover that ever lived. She'll see. I mean, it's just art. How complicated could it be? What's this supposed to be, a steering wheel? This isn't helping at all. How am I supposed to tell the good art from the bad?
It's all bad. All right, back to basics. [he gets ready to light up a painting but a old security guard takes it away from him] Huh?
OSOld Security Guard
No open flames in the museum. [walks away with Dan's lighter]
Hey, that's my favorite lighter. You think I won't hurt an old man? I'll hurt an old man. [the security guard picks him up] Unhand me! He's getting away.
[Chris is staring at a picture of a flower, then, Dan and Chris are sitting at an museum's bench]
[while eating a fake burger] Museum food tastes like plastic.
Another reason why art must suffer.
OSOld Security Guard
[walks up to Dan and Chris] You can't touch the art.
Um, neither of us are touching any art, grandpa.
SGSecurity Guard
First of all, that's my grandpa, not yours, and second, you're sitting on a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.
The bench? The bench is art now?
SGSecurity Guard
And the sandwich.
SGSecurity Guard
Wasn't there also an apple pie?
[when Chris' stomach gumbles, the security guard kick Dan and Chris out of the museum]
This whole art thing is just so frustrating. It's giving me a stomachache. I think some of that exhibit was toxic.
[reads the poster] That's him. That's the guy I should be after, the so-called "artist" who ruined my car. Come on, Chris.
I don't know. I should probably go to the hospital. I ate a whole plastic pie.
No time. We have a mission. To make Art Artstein art history. Let's go. [he bumps himself to the street painting]
[Dan and Chris are having a split-screen phone chat]
There's no way to ruin art.
What do you mean? We ruined it.
I thought we did, but somehow we made it better.
Wait. People liked our pointless squiggles? But if that's art and benches are art and sunflowers are sometimes art and then some art can be eaten even though it shouldn't be, then-- but-- I am never going to figure this out.
If there's no way to ruin art that already exists, I'll have to cut it off at its source. Art Artstein, prepare for a close encounter of the Dan kind.
I guess if anyone could explain art to me, it'd be someone named Art.
I just want to go to the Renaissance Faire with my best friend, and your parents are getting in the way of that.
You think they're inconveniencing you? Ever since I was a kid, nothing I've ever done has been good enough. Straight A's, full scholarships, captain of every conceivable team the schools had, everything never enough. Why do you think I became a top operative in a shadowy, quasi governmental organization?
What? Oh, never mind. The point is my parents will have a perfect week and for once not have anything to criticize me about.
You know you married Chris, right? Well, what am l supposed to do with this bag of common household rats?
Don't you even think about it.
Come on. I spent all day collecting these little guys.
Let's establish some ground rules. 1. You will not mess up my house in any way.
2. You will not cause my parents bodily harm of any kind. 3. You will not set anything they own on fire.
4. If and when you engage them in conversation, you will be polite and pleasant. If you aren't, they'll need dental records to identify your body. You get me?
Joke's on you. I don't have dental records.
And take those rats somewhere else! [leaves]
