Larry David quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry

Fruit's good.

Jeff

Yeah.

Larry

Delicious, isn't it?

Marty

How can you talk about the food? I wanna throw up. We should get out of here.

Yes, let's get out of here.

Larry

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

Marty

I want to get out of here now.

Larry

Let me explain something to you, moron, okay? Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members. There's nothing wrong. Get it?

Marty

Guess what, I'm not a swan killer, okay?

Larry

Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole. You're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room. Why is that so hard to understand?

Marty

How many rules are you gonna break? You're not suppose to have your phone on, it's always ringing. You killed a swan!

Larry

Keep your fucking voice down!

Marty

You killed a swan!

Larry

[raises butter knife] Shut up! Shut up!

Why did I order turkey? I should've just had the eggs and onions. I know they're good here.

Marty

Will you do me a favor and shut up about your food.

Larry

Yeah, he's right. All you're doing is complaining about your food. I told you to get the fruit. It's delicious.

I had the fruit this morning. Why am I going to order it twice for?

Larry

You could have fruit twice in one day.

No you can't, you get the acid reflux and it'll rip a hole in your stomach.

Larry

They have non-acidic fruit. You got papaya and mango and banana!

Did you get a chance to pick up those beans? I'm really low on coffee.

Larry

You know, I went, and there was a lot of traffic, and I got stuck in traffic, and by the time I got there - I went all the way over there - the store was closed so I couldn't get them.

So you didn't get the beans?

Larry

No. I didn't get the beans.

So you didn't do me the favor?

Larry

I attempted to do you the favor. I tried to do you the favor. What are you talking about?

No. An attempt is not a favor.

Larry

What? It is a favor. It is a favor. That's as good as a favor. The effort was there.

What did you come back with, though?

Larry

The store was closed.

Driving to a coffee place is not a favor.

Where did I bring the jumper cable? Halfway to your office, or to your office?

Mocha Joe has nothing to show for your supposed favor.

Larry

I know.

You have jumper cables. What does he got?

Exactly.

He's got a guy who's got a story about traffic.

Thank you, Jerry.

You're welcome, Mocha Joe.

Larry

Come on! I did a lot for Mocha Joe.

Mocha Joe doesn't need people driving around for him. He needs coffee.

Larry

Whatever happened to E for effort, Jerry? E for effort? You people think about that! E for effort!

F for favor!

C for coffee!

Marty

Okay. I've got some great news. Guess where the Funkman is going for three weeks.

Susie

Miami?

Marty

London!

Susie

London!

Jeff

Oh!

Larry

Ah!

Jeff

How about that?

Marty

On business, how great is that?

Susie

Wow, that's fun.

Larry

Are you going?

No.

Larry

Oh, really?

Marty

She doesn't like to travel.

I don't go on business trips with him.

Larry

Have you ever been there?

No.

Larry

Oh my God, you should go. It's really beautiful this time of year.

Hmm, really?

Larry

Yeah! London!

Maybe I should go, Marty.

Marty

No, it's cold. Right now it's cold and foggy and dangerous. They have gangs over there and everything else and I'll be doing business.

I never travel with you. I think it's a great idea. I'm going.

Marty

Let's talk about--

Thank you. That's decided. I'm in.

Larry

Well, look who's here. It's the big funk.

Marty

You are a colossal prick. Do you know that?

Larry

Boy, I'm really getting it today.

Marty

You think it's funny?

Larry

What did I do?

Marty

Let me tell you something. You ruined my whole vacation. You had to butt in and tell Nan to go on my trip.

Larry

I'm sorry.

Marty

I could have had three weeks working and being alone.

Larry

I was curious as to why she wasn't going. Why don't you just go with her? Why don't you bring her?

Marty

I'm bored! Everywhere I go with her we don't look at each other, she talks over me. I want to be alone. I want to get the chance to spread my wings.

Larry

Why don't you get a divorce?

Marty

I'm too lazy.

Marty

L.D. Guess who's getting a divorce.

Larry

What?

Marty

Martin Norton Funkhouser.

Larry

Really?

Marty

And it's because of you! That man and I were talking about the London trip...

Larry

Yeah?

Marty

...I started to realize, "wait a minute. If I did go to Europe without her, I'd come back "and it would be 20 more years of boredom." So I said to Nan, "look, let's get a divorce." She said okay. I'm gonna be single! You and me!

Larry

Wow.

Marty

Is that great?

Leon

My man.

Jeff

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Leon

You know what you do when you get a fucking divorce? Ride around and bump the horn and shit like motherfuckers getting married.

Larry

What a great idea.

Leon

Goddamn right.

Larry

Put cans on your car, beep your horn.

Marty

"Just divorced."

Larry

"Just divorced."

Marty

I'm excited. I'm single.

Leon

Get out there, and get some new ass. Know what I'm saying, huh? You done ran the other ass in the ground, right?

Marty

Uh, I don't want to talk about my wife like that.

Leon

You ran that ass in the ground, and you're moving on, right?

Marty

Well, I didn't run any—we had a nice marriage for 20 years.

Leon

You ran that other ass in the ground…

Marty

I don't run people's ass in the ground.

Leon

All men do.

Larry

It's not a negative thing to run an ass in the ground. That's all.

Marty

[Marty is meeting Larry and Jeff at the Palestinian chicken restaurant] Shalom. You know, I thought all last night, 'If Rabin can break bread with Arafat, I can have chicken at this antisemitic shithole.'

Jeff

Okay. That's just not gonna work.

Larry

Yeah, that's no good.

Marty

What's not gonna work?

Jeff

The yarmulke.

Larry

Yeah.

Marty

I can't go in with wearing this yarmulke?

Larry

You're just shoving it in their faces.

Marty

Let's go in.

Jeff

No no no no no no. It's far too cocky a move.

Larry

What is this, a raid on Entebbe? Let's just kind of walk in casually.

Marty

What? Proud Jews wear yarmulkes.

Larry

Yeah. Be proud here in the parking lot. You don't need to be proud in there.

Marty

Let's just go in and sit down.

Larry

Take it off. Take it off.

Marty

I'm not doing anything-

Larry

Take it off.

Marty

Don't you dare go after my-

Larry

Huh? Come on, take it-

Marty

Don't you reach for that. Don't you ever touch that. No, don't ever grab my yarmulke. Give it to me. Don't ever grab my yarmulke, ever. How dare you?! Don't ever touch my yarmulke. Do you understand?

Jeff

What the hell was that? We're gonna go eat without you.

Larry

Good. Who needs you? Get-- get out of here!

Larry

[Meeting Shara for the first time] Oh please. Thank you. Thank you. Oh. Well, hello.

You're a Jew, yes?

Larry

Yes, I am a Jew. A big Jew. Big.

A big Jew and you still told him to take off his Jew cap?

Larry

Yes, I did.

Thank you, my friend. What's your name?

Larry

Labe.

Labe?

Larry

Son of Nat.

Son of Nat?

Larry

My friends call me Larry.

I like you.

Larry

What's not to like?

Uh you're a Jew.

Larry

Eh.

My name is Shara.

Larry

Shara.

Call me.

Jeff

Let's get some chicken.

Marty

[expressing astonishment after meeting Larry David and Shara just after they had very loud sex] Fuck me Jew bastard?

Larry

Yeah. Small price to pay for the best sex that I ever had, anywhere! This woman is amazing.

Marty

So when did you orgasm. When she said she'll fuck the Jew out of you?

Dino

Hey, I'm Dino from Big Dog productions. I'm moving in next door. You can call me Dog. Everybody calls me Dog.

Larry

Dog!

Dino

Yeah, that's it.

Larry

I like it.

Dino

Um, anyway, I'm doing the shark show. You've heard of the shark show, right, "Great White Wonderland"?

Larry

I've seen some ads on buses, yeah.

Dino

Yeah, that's the show. Anyway, we're going to be seeing each other around campus, so I just thought I'd drift on in and say hey.

Larry

Oh, nice to meet you.

Dino

Nice to meet you too. Oh, we're probably gonna be sharing the kitchen? Do you mind if I take a cabinet?

Larry

Yeah, sure.

Dino

I really really appreciate it.

Larry

No problem.

Dino

So we're cool with that?

Larry

Yeah.

Dino

See you, man.

Larry

Thanks, Dog.

Jeff

I can't believe you just gave away a cabinet. You never give up a cabinet. Never give up a cabinet.

Larry

I guess I was stupid.

Jeff

You don't give away a cabinet.

Larry

Eh, I think it'll be fine.

Jeff

No, it's not gonna be fine.

Larry

Aw, don't worry about it.

Jeff

Let's go, come on.

Dino

Hey, Larry. How's it going?

Larry

You know what? It's not going so great.

Dino

Why's that?

Larry

Why's that? Look at this! What'd you do? You stuffed me into one cabinet!

Dino

Looks like it all fit in there.

Larry

I gave you a cabinet. You took two? That's not fair. We have the same number of people.

Dino

Well, right now I have two people, yeah, but I told you I'm doing the shark show. They're gonna be back.

Larry

When? When are they coming back?

Dino

I don't know, Larry. When they're done shooting the sharks, they will come back.

Larry

You want to be fair about this thing? I'll take this cabinet, you take that cabinet and we'll split this one.

Dino

No. This stays exactly the way it is. Okay? Peace, brother. Peace.

Hey, thanks for calling. That's so sweet of you.

Larry

So Big Dog productions rented the office next door and they're sharing the kitchen with us. And I had to give up a cabinet.

Larry, no! You never give up a cabinet.

Never ever give up a cabinet.

Larry

He actually took two. This is why you need to be here. Can't you come in for a day? You know, straighten up a little bit. Maybe you can get one back.

All right, fine.

Larry

Oh, terrific.

Happy?

Larry

Oh!

How about that?

Larry

Fabulous. This is what a desk should look like.

Yeah, how did it get that way, by the way?

Larry

You know, it just builds up. This is great.

Thank you.

Larry

All right.

Ooh, and I got you treats. There it is.

Larry

You see? It's one day. You came in for one day, tomorrow you'll go back to the hospital.

And I am gonna get that cabinet back for us.

Larry

You get that cabinet back, there'll be a little something in it for you.

Okay, I'm gonna just unpack that stuff.

Larry

Good to have you back.

Absolutely.

Larry

This is nice.

Thank you.

Dino

I hope you're planning on putting that stuff away somewhere.

Larry

Yeah, I am putting it away. Right here. I have no space in here, so where do you suggest I put it?

Dino

We've got some ground rules we've gotta make here, right? This space has to remain clean! There can be no bullshit on this counter, do you understand?

Larry

By the way, you're the one who took my stuff out of these two cabinets and put it into this one.

Dino

You're telling me it's unfair the amount of cabinet space that I've taken?

Larry

Yes yes.

Dino

There are two things about Dog that everybody knows, okay? I am clean and I am fair.

Larry

Oh really?

Dino

Okay? These cabinets are mine-- Look! "For Big Dog only. For Big Dog only."

Larry

Big shit! You put the labels on, so what? You can rip the labels off.

Dino

Don't touch the fucking labels! Look, Big Dog does not give up cabinets.

Larry

Well, guess what, Big Dog.

Dino

What?

Larry

This food is staying here because I have no place to put it!

Dino

This isn't even food. What the fuck is this? It's rabbit food.

Larry

Oh, is that right? You got pudding in here, okay? You got fucking pudding. Gimme a break. Chocolate pretzels? Get the hell out of here! What do you got in here? Oh, cheese dips-- Come on.

Dino

This weighs almost five lbs. You eat this? You put this in your body?

Larry

Yeah, it's good bread. It has no yeast in it.

Dino

It's not bread.

Larry

That's bread, that's bread. By the way, I saw the show? It stinks. The sharks are swimming around. Nobody's even-- The sharks aren't eating anybody. Nothing's going on, just sharks swimming around.

Dino

Are you getting negative about my show?

Larry

Yeah, your show stinks. And you know what? I'm not calling you Dog anymore. The Dog days are over. From now on, you're Dino!

Dino

Jesus Christ, calm down.

Larry

Fuck you, Dog!

Dino

You said "fuck you, Dog" to me? Take your fucking rabbit food and your goddamn five-lb bread and stick it up your fucking ass!

Larry

How long do you think the... Grieving process might take for her?

It's going to take probably several weeks for my daughter to get back to work. Mmmm, I don't know, maybe-- Maybe I could fill in for her.

Larry

Really?

I was an executive secretary for 30 years.

Larry

Wow, this is a very exciting and interesting idea.

I really need something to do right now to take my mind off of my grief. And I would be holding the job for my daughter.

Larry

You're shitting me?

Not shitting.

Larry

No shit?

No shit.

Larry

Let's do it.

All right. Uh, Monday morning.

Larry

Deal.

Deal.

Larry

Don't wear that hat.