Larry David quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry

You can put my colon up next to your colon; we'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.

Richard Lewis

I will have a colon contest anytime you want.

Larry

You'll go in, he'll be up there, you're down here. Right? He's on top, he's asking you the questions. Then all of a sudden the interview starts, he asks you some questions, you answer some questions ... then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it. Now he's trying to impress you.

Leon

Turn that shit around on him.

Larry

Turn it around on him.

Leon

Topsy-turvy that motherfucker.

Larry

- Can I give you a little tip, huh? - Let's do it.

Larry

You're gonna go in. He'll be up here, okay? You're down here, right? He's on top.

Larry

- He's asking you the questions.

Leon

- Uh-huh.

Larry

Then all of a sudden the interview starts. He asks some questions, you answer some questions.

Larry

Then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it.

Larry

Now he's trying to impress you.

Leon

You mean the dizzle one, right?

Larry

What?

Larry

I'm not wearing no-fly underwear.

Leon

You gotta do it. You got long balls, Larry. Long balls, you've got long ass balls.

Larry

I've got long balls?

Leon

Doctor, you said he's got long balls, right?

Larry

Would you say I have unusually long..

They're a bit more distended than the average testicles.

Leon

You got long ass balls, Larry. "Long Ball Larry", that's your new name.

Larry

Long balls..who would've known.

Leon

Long balls, change your draws.

Larry

[Auntie Rae] went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that, it's out of my control.

Jeff

Not me. I've got discipline down there. I have a very discerning penis—very discerning.

Larry

My penis is an animal.

Jeff

Really? Just out of control. It's wild.

Larry

It's a feral tiger, yeah.

What did you say? What did you just say?! What did you just FIX YOUR MOUTH TO SAY?!

Larry

No, no...

You just used THE MOST VILE WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! HOW DARE YOU?!

Larry

No, I was...

IN FRONT OF ME?! YOU ARE DESPICABLE! I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE YOU! YOU BALD SON OF A BITCH!!!! I HAVE TO FACE THIS KIND OF WRETCHED FOOLISHNESS!

Jeff

[just snubbed due to his baldness] This blows. How do you deal with it?

Larry

Well, you know, you just get used to it. I get support from my bald brothers.

Jeff

There's, like, meetings?

Larry

What are you doing? You're supposed to be walking.

Marty

I raise money; I don't walk.

Larry

You didn't tell me you were sitting, I wouldn't have given you money in the first place.

Marty

I didn't say I was walking.

Larry

Well, the walking is implied, is it not?

Marty

Don't you care about Alzheimer's?

Hey, Larry, do you still have that tickling in your anus? I cannot get you an appointment for two weeks.

Larry

What?

Are you experiencing discomfort?

Larry

What is she talking about? [to secretary] What are you talking about? Where'd you get that from?

It's nothing to joke around about. Who are you trying to make an appointment with?

Rosenberg.

Rosenberg's a good man. I got a better one. Pencil. Call this man: Doctor J. Whitney. My wife's cousin, Kai, she runs the office.

Larry

Oh, she does?

She can open all the doors, not just the back one. You know what I mean? Seriously, she can get you in today and you don't have to think about it again. Why not?

Larry

That's nice of you but there's really nothing wrong with me. I mean-why not-"I have a tickling in my anus". I don't have a tickle--[to secretary] Are you fucking crazy?! Huh?! Tickle in my anus? Where did that-why'd you say that!? I don't have a tickle! Who said that?!

I gotta go, I gotta go.

Look, I think I gave you the wrong impression. Larry's anus is fine-

Larry

Shut the fuck up, okay?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Larry

I'm going to dinner with Jeff and Susie and Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend, if you want to come along.

Loretta

Any black people gonna be there?

Larry

No.

Loretta

Then why would I want to go?

Larry

...Might be some people with cancer?

Larry

Remember I was sitting here yesterday?

Yeah.

Larry

Do you mind telling me how much tip the guy I was with left you?

Oh..we don't do that.

Larry

You don't do what?

We don't share that information with the customers.

Larry

Honestly, who gives a crap? I was in here, I was with a guy, I'm just curious. What did he leave?

It was a healthy, healthy tip.

Larry

Was mine a healthy tip?

Yeah.

Larry

Was his healthier?

I...

Larry

Let me ask you this question. Was it over twelve dollars?

Do..do you want me to refill your water or..

Larry

Just scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars.

I can really get in trouble if I talk to you about that.

Larry

Nobody even knows what we're talking about. Scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars. Go ahead, just scratch it. Was it over twelve dollars?

Larry

Oh, for God's sake. What an asshole! Let me ask you a question. Was it over fifteen dollars? Just tug on your tie up here. Was it over fifteen?

This is making me really uncomfortable.

Larry

Nobody's even knows what we're talking about! Was it over fifteen dollars? Tug on your tie.

Larry

Oh, my fucking..fuck!

Larry

I'm not kidding, the food was awful. Terrible. Honestly, I can't believe you recommended that.

Well, I liked the ossobuco.

Larry

Didn't taste like ossobuco to me. It was bad ossobuco.

Larry

[in reference to the Fowler's adopted child from China] Let me ask you this question, have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?

Why?

Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks, Larry?

Larry

Well, she's Chinese.

Do you think she's also a Kung Fu master?

Larry

No, all I'm wondering is this, if you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?

So the American kid is the control group?

Okay, you know what, she uses a fork.

Larry

Do me a favor.

What?

Larry

First time she uses chopsticks, gimme a call me and just let me know. Gimme a call and just say "Hey, you know what? You wouldn't believe it.."

You're gonna love this. It is the best piece of pie you've ever had.

Larry

Honestly, you know, I'm not eating dessert anymore.

Just have one bite. Come on.

Larry

I'm not in the mood, Ted. I don't want it. Thank you, it's a nice gesture but I'm not in the mood.

You're making me look like an asshole.

Larry

I had the option of ordering dessert and I didn't want the dessert at the time so I don't want the dessert.

Just have one little bite for my sake, please.

Larry

I don't care. I don't want it for your sake.

Be a friend, be a fucking friend, will you!

Larry

I'm being a friend but I don't have to take a bite just because you want me to! Okay?

Have a bite of the pie!

[starts to take the pie away] You know, I'm just gonna get this out of the way for you..

Larry

I don't want the pie! Thank you.

No, no. Put the pie down. Put the pie down.

Larry

No, don't. Here, take it. Thank you.

Don't pick up that pie. Put the pie down.

Larry

I'm not taking a bite, I don't want a bite! Take this fucking piece of pie and get it out of my face!

Put that fucking pie down!

Larry

Don't put that pie down! Do not put that pie down!

Leon

Denise called.

Larry

What'd she say?

Leon

Give her a call.

Larry

She leave her number?

Leon

Nah.

Larry

Damn it! I don't have her number or her address.

Leon

Call information.

Larry

I don't know her last name. She was in my BlackBerry under "Denise handicapped". That's how I remember these names. Don't you do that in your Blackberry? You put names down with jobs, some association, so you remember who they are? I got "Sean yoga", the yoga teacher, and "Teresa masseuse".

Leon

I do the same thing. I got "Nancy big tits". I know Nancy got big ass tits. "Janelle sweet ass"..