CSI: Crime Scene Investigation quotes

And don't be surprised if Mr. Baker never admits he was raped. Odds are, you'll probably close the case on lack of co-operation and then make fun of him around the office. Have a nice day, Mr. Stokes.

Nick

Hey, what is your problem? I'm just trying to do my job here.

I've watched you guys stand over dead bodies and crack jokes. I still see a human being when all you see is evidence. Which, might make you a good investigator, but it also makes you cold, hard, people.

Nick

So you can feel compassion for dead people? But you can't feel it for someone who's alive, wearing a badge, tryin' to help! Good luck with that. Enjoy your sandwich.

Nick

So, you catch a guy burglarizing your store. You wanna teach him a lesson, I get it. You beat him, you stab him, you shoot him. But do you have to rape him?

Ray

Greek warriors in ancient times would sodomize their enemies after a battle, to humiliate them, take their manhood...

Nick

Yeah, yeah. I understand the concept of humiliation: rape isn't about sex, it's about violence. But this is a little excessive, don't you think?

Ray

Well... for some men... violence is their sex.

Ray

Sometimes, when God closes a door, Satan opens a window.

Hodges

If you're gonna have me keep doing Archie's job, I'm gonna need a raise.

Nick

Lemme know what Ecklie says to that.

Hodges

I was hoping you'd ask. You're a supervisor.

Nick

Yeah, well, it's good to hope for things.

Dede partied with my girls for a couple days. Asked me to hold on to her valuables whilst she went clubbin'.

Brass

Did she also ask you to beat her, rape her, and slit her throat?

Wendy

What is this stuff?

Greg

Uh, Langston sent us some souvenirs from Miami and New York.

Wendy

Oh.

Wendy

I love this.

Greg

Bitchin'.

Catherine

Ridiculous.

Nick

Time for a toast. You know, bowling is a family sport. I'd like to raise a glass to our CSI family. Cheers. [They all drink] But unfortunately, it's time to give the family a little ass-whoppin'. [They all laugh]

Hodges

Oh, really?!

Catherine

All of us?

Ray

Be careful, Nick, don't let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash.

Ooh!

Hodges

That was five months ago.

Henry

Nice, you were gonna give me hepatitis for my birthday. Thanks

Nick

We've got a dead body here, boys.

Henry

Maybe the raccoon lept through that window ninja style, and before this guy could shoot it, it landed on him and chewed his face off. Well, I guess we should call it in, huh? Oh, that's right, we've got no reception!

You think I don't know what you see when you look at us? [takes a sip of her martini] Bunch of ignorant drunk crackers. Shiftless peckerwoods. Lemme tell you somethin', we built this place outta nothin' with our hands, and our sweat and our determination. Mayor of Vegas used to eat here.

Greg

[whispers to Hodges] Alright, if I can't find a phone, I'm gonna make one. Keep an eye on her. [walks off]

We had politicians, celebrities, rubbin' up elbows with the common man. Some nights, we had eight, ten limos stacked out up front. Then Harry took off, it all went to hell. He didn't care who he hurt. [making another martini] Are you sure, that I can't fix you boys one of these?

Hodges

You know, I could use the little boy's room.

Ah, toilet is all stuffed up. There's one in the basement. But, you don't wanna use that one, believe me. There's like, a million black widow spiders down there. It's like a black widow convention is what it is. You just like puff up and die, so... Use the bushes. [Hodges goes to leave]

Henry

[grabs his arm and whispers] Whoa, whoa, what am I supposed to do?

Hodges

You heard Greg, keep an eye on her.

[pours Henry some whiskey] You are gonna drink a man drink, just like that. [Henry chuckles nervously]

This place was a gold mine. That man, he walked away with $250,000. All I got... [hands Henry a postcard that reads "Florida" on the front] was a postcard. Just to rub my face in it.

You ever hear anythin' so mean in all your life? [sniffles]

Henry

No, ma'am.

You're real cute, you know? Now, what'd you say y'all come out here for again?

Henry

It's my birthday!

Why don't you come over here and give your Auntie Shirley some sugar?

Henry

[laughs uncomfortably and starts to lean away] Uh, no, I can't, I'm engaged. I'm married, actually. I have syphilis!

Perfect. Me too.

Henry

(muffled) Help!

Greg

Guy stands in the middle of a 3-way shootout and strolls out alive?

Nick

Was he just lucky, or bulletproof?

David

Knocked over by a car, fell down a well, attacked by coyotes, poisoned by a spider, lost in a cave, traded for a Mike Schmitt rookie baseball card, and my favorite, [Sara walks in] given to a farm. Allegedly.

Henry

The tragic fates of the Phillips' family dogs.

Catherine

It's what men think women want. Like candy, it's sweet and hard to resist but sooner or later we just want some meat and potatoes.