TV show quotes
Well, I was right about Alvarado, he was leaving Vegas. Otherwise, he would have killed me himself.
You okay?
Yeah. Guess now, I owe you one, huh?
I don't keep score, Madeline.
You know what Gilbert? You're the only man I know that's never let me down. Which means either that your a classic enabler or my soulmate.
I would never hit my kids cause, you know, my father used to beat me. He didn't beat me too much. He beat me just right. You know, I remember the last time he really slapped me around, just getting up off the ground, and thinking, "perfect." He really nailed it, you know? Any more would have been barbaric. And yet any less I wouldn't be seeking the approval of you drunks, so thanks. 'Cause parenting is hard and expensive. I just read the other day that if you were to have a baby today and raise that kid all the way through college, it would cost you one million dollars. And that's why I feel like no woman should ever walk out of an abortion clinic with her head hung down in shame. You walk out of there like you just hit the lotto. I'm a winner.
Come on, seriously, I love kids. Did you hug your kid today? Can I hug your kid? Can I hug your kid, sir?
You touch my kids, I kill you.
Dude, it's a comedy show! I'm kidding. This is a joke. (the angry guy makes a gun motion with his hand at Greg) What? What was that? Oh... I see why you're so angry, that's your wife.
[to Greg Fitzsimmons] I mean it, man. I was laughing my ass off.
Anybody finds a size 54 ass, I'll make sure we keep it on ice for 'ya.
It's hard to believe that anybody could do something like this to such a beautiful little girl.
So, if she had been plain or homely, it'd be easy for you to accept?
No, but, maybe it's just me, that when something like this happens to a kid with a face like that, it just seems a little more tragic.
Maybe that will work in our favor. (Catherine walks out)
Did I just piss her off?
Yeah, but she was heading that way when she came in.
Okay. This one has a tag. And now... (hands hair follicular tag to Hodges) ... tag, you're it.
Is that what passes for DNA humor around here? Never thought I'd miss Sanders.
Alright, okay, one night, ten years ago I did a hit of ecstasy and I threw in a hit of Peyote for good measure. By the time morning rolled around I was so high, I thought I was inside a living cartoon. I went outside naked and performed a joyous and impromptu dance to the Egyptian Sun God Ra.
That sounds really beautiful. I'm sorry I missed it.
Well unfortunately, twenty preschoolers playing in the yard next door didn't.
What are you doing here?
I was waiting for you.
How did you get in here?
Can't we talk about something interesting? Me for instance. I'm interesting.
Yeah, let's do that. Let's talk about you.
For starters, Norah left me. Actually, she threw my stuff out onto the street, got a restraining order on me, notified the neighbors and called my boss. "Hey, Scumbag. Don't bother coming in, we'll mail you your last check." So in one fell swoop, as it were, I lost my girlfriend, my livelihood and my place to live. I thought it was going to be different this time. Frankly, I blame you.
I didn't create the circumstances of your life, Leo.
You grind up the innocent with the guilty.
Just take it easy. I was just doing my job.
(mockingly) I was just doing my job.
Yeah, I was just doing my job.
I was just doing my job. I was just following orders. Blonde Nazi bitch! You get in there with your big boots and you kick it all apart and you don't care who you hurt. Whose life you destroy in the process.
Calm down.
No! It's not fair.
Calm down!
Don't tell me to calm down!
(draws her gun) Just stay back and calm down!
You going to shoot me? Would that help you figure out how completely you screwed my life up? Would you sleep better at night? Maybe, I should just save you the trouble and blow my own brains out, hm. What do you think?
I think you need to talk to somebody.
I am talking to somebody. I'm talking to you. So how about this, if I do decide to kill myself, I'm going to come over to your house, and blow my brains out right on your front lawn. As a gift to you and everything you stand for. How does that work for you? (turns and walks away)
(looks up to see blood dripping from the ceiling) Looks like this crime has a second story.
(looking at the victim who was shot in the head) Organ donor. Her heart was in the right place.
Unfortunately her head was in the wrong place.
Maybe the shooter freaked out and wet himself. Not exactly a hardened criminal.
The name on the lease is Kellen Tyford.
Drops?
The nightclub promoter?
Yeah, and get this, he leases the upstairs apartment too.
That's a lotta apartments for a guy who's getting free room and board.
(after Drops lost his chess game) Looks like something more than forensics be jammin' a brotha up in here.
Man, y'all some jinxes, man.
This is a set-up, don't you get it? Ivy league college student versus a high school drop out, convict, you got no chance. ... So said a jury of your peers.
8 months, on a weak ass weapons charge, it's a vacation, man.
I can't explain these women. One minute, they're sending each other cupcakes on Facebook, the next they're trying to kill each other over a broken curling iron.
(about Dana) This is the type of girl that you have to find in person.
Well, give us some addresses.
What are you gonna do? Mapquest her ass? 'Cause that's not gonna work. There's only one way to find this girl. Let me out. (Brass laughs) No, for real, I mean. I can have her for you today.
You think that we can just pop you outta jail?
Yeah. Like 48 hours. You know the flick, they bust Eddie outta jail, get the bad guy, everything's cool.
You think this is a joke, man? Dead bodies are piling up around your new family, now that would worry me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's CSI: Crime Scene Investigation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
