Greg Fitzsimmons quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Greg Fitzsimmons

I would never hit my kids cause, you know, my father used to beat me. He didn't beat me too much. He beat me just right. You know, I remember the last time he really slapped me around, just getting up off the ground, and thinking, "perfect." He really nailed it, you know? Any more would have been barbaric. And yet any less I wouldn't be seeking the approval of you drunks, so thanks. 'Cause parenting is hard and expensive. I just read the other day that if you were to have a baby today and raise that kid all the way through college, it would cost you one million dollars. And that's why I feel like no woman should ever walk out of an abortion clinic with her head hung down in shame. You walk out of there like you just hit the lotto. I'm a winner.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Come on, seriously, I love kids. Did you hug your kid today? Can I hug your kid? Can I hug your kid, sir?

You touch my kids, I kill you.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Dude, it's a comedy show! I'm kidding. This is a joke. (the angry guy makes a gun motion with his hand at Greg) What? What was that? Oh... I see why you're so angry, that's your wife.

[to Greg Fitzsimmons] I mean it, man. I was laughing my ass off.

Greg Fitzsimmons

Anybody finds a size 54 ass, I'll make sure we keep it on ice for 'ya.