[Abed is watching the sixth episode of Cougarton Abbey, a British TV show recommended to him by Britta, when everyone on the show poisons themselves, leaving Abed confused]
Britta, why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die?
BrittaThey only ran six episodes. That's the great thing about British TV - they give you closure!
[Abed starts screaming, then becomes unresponsive as if he were a robot that shut down]
No, no, no! We'll find you a new favorite show! We'll find you a new favorite show! C'mon, buddy! [to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!
I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.
Britta
Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!
Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective, and Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.
[Everybody gasps]
There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.
[Jeff snickers]
Jeff! You crafty jackrabbit!
Pretty low, dude. It's called "friendship"; look it up. Encarta it!
I think we just found our pizza getter.
[the study group agrees with Troy]
Jeff': Oh, like it matters who goes.
[Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan; everyone laughs]
That guy sucks harder than the toilet of an airplane bathroom.
Britta
[singing] Roxanne!
SBShirley & Britta
[singing] You don't have to put on that red light!
Those days are over!
You don't have to tear your body to the night!
[to Abed] I really love your place!
[Jeff comes back with the pizza and notices everyone dancing and singing]
You see what happens when I leave you guys alone?
[in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]
Britta
Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?
[Britta gasps]
Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over, and one thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.
Britta
Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!
[speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.
Britta
Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!
Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.
Britta
Exactly! Life got dark.
All because Jeff rolled a one.
Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.
It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]
Of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest; which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves, and reclaim our proper lives.
EJEvil Jeff
[visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?
EJEvil Jeff
I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!
[Evil Jeff storms out of the study room followed by Evil Britta and Evil Shirley]
[Evil Troy puts on his felt goatee, Evil Abed looks at him approvingly]
ETEvil Troy and Evil Abed
[singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!
[Pierce has decided to do a gay bash party for his new product]
Britta
Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirement for open-mindedness.
Yeah, I'm really proud of you, you're growing up as a person.
Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people, they're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes he would have ridden in on a donkey.
Wow. They found a way to make the Human Being even creepier - covering him in icicles.
Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the Hellraiser.
Guys, I found something we can watch together for Christmas this year. The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special. Run time two and half hours, and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator had his knighthood revoked.
That sounds terrible. I want to watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives. Or rather, I'm spending the day with my relatives while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.
You Jehovah's Witnesses - so severe. Andre and I will be spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.
I wouldn't call an unannounced visit from your pastor "a gift." And don't bother this year, I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.
You're not taking both of them?
I was looking forward to hanging out with you guys this Christmas. This semester has been so long and dark and angry. I was thinking we could have some light-hearted fun as a family.
I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.
Oh, I don't know if I agree with that.
GGGreendale Glee Club
[singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
GGGreendale Glee Club
[singing] Tis the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
ROCK ON!
GGGreendale Glee Club Boy 1
Merry Christmas, Greendale! Glee Club here, reminding you that our Christmas pageant is coming! Next stop, regionals!
What the hell are regionals? They never stop talking about it.
GGGreendale Glee Club
[singing] Deck~
I said deck~
Please tell me we were not this obnoxious the year we filled in for them.
T-minus 5 seconds until the hip-hop remix. 4, 3…
GGGreendale Glee Club
[rapping] Come on!
Re-re-re-remix!
Re-re-re-remix!
Fa-la-la-la-la, F-A-L-A
Come on!
Britta
You’re awfully quiet, Jeff. No one hates glee club more than you do.
Today, I’m just content to sit back and enjoy the show.
GCGlee Club Girl -
And now, our pop music mashup…
GCGlee Club Girl 2
…Elton Little John Lennon!
GCGlee Club Girls
Hit it!
GCGlee Club Boy 1
[rapping] Hey, tiny dancer!
GCGlee Club Boy 2
[rapping] OKAY-!
Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting musical copyright since 1914. It appears they have received an anonymous tip that unlicensed material has been performed here without the artist’s permission. Merry Christmas, everyone. Glee club just became history club.
Jesus Christ, the Lord~
Happy birthday, Jesus!
Cut the cake, cut the cake now
Cut the cake, my lord!
Britta
Oh, Jeff, thank God! They got Shirley; it's just you and me now! Jeff?
[singing one long note] Aaaaaahhhhhh~
Britta
[screaming] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Britta
Is this about regionals?
I just talked to Cory, and he needs you to be the Mouse King instead of me.
Britta
Me? But I'm supposed to be a mute tree.
[Britta looks confused]
This will help us get to regionals.
Britta
I knew it! Wait, where are the lyrics?
They're in your heart, Britta.
Britta
Right! Duh-doi!
SGStudy Group
[singing] We are everyone
And we are everything!
Britta
[singing terribly] Christmas tiiiiiime!
[crowd gasps]
Britta
When's our culture gonna outgrow this wedding thing?
Britta
No to everything you both said! Weddings are like little girls' tea parties, except the women are the stuffed animals, the men are making them talk, and they're not drinking tea, they're drinking antiquated gender roles.
Somebody tell Britta what an analogy is.
Britta
I know what it is. It's like a thought with... another thought's hat on.
Holy crap! Britta, you're really good at this!
Britta
[sadly] I know.
Britta
This may shock you, Annie, but I come from a long line of wives and mothers.
Britta
But I ran away from it my whole life. I refused to give Santa a Christmas list, because I didn't want to depend on any man for anything! And now, look at me! I'm Betty Crocker! I'm Martha Stewart! I'm one of the Steppenwolf wives! Ohh, God... [to Abed] I'm gonna make some man very happy someday...
We de-whimsified ourselves.
AAndre
Hey, anyone seen Shirley?
What? Shirley late to the rehearsal? Oh my.
AAndre
Hey, man. You don't have to be sarcastic.
We're heavily invested in your situation. Nothing's more important to us than your second wedding's rehearsal going smoothly.
AAndre
...Walk away, man.
[Troy and Abed do just that and walk away from Andre]
[to Jeff] Hey! Did you think of a toast?
Well, yeah. Uh, I had a drink, and I looked into my heart, and here's what I got so far. "Webster's Dictionary defines"-
Stop, stop! "Webster's Dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings! It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why!
Yeah, well, it's all I got! That took me eight hours and sixteen Macallan neatses! Look, I'm sorry, I just don't believe in marriage.
Britta
I do. It's inevitable.
You two are bad friends! Bad!
That's unfair! What about you guys? You don't like our movie, we can't say the word "Blade", there's phones in the refridgerator - oops!
[Britta runs off to the kitchen; Troy and Annie grab her and drag her to Annie's bedroom]
Britta
LET ME SEE IF HE CALLED! I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW! YOU'RE MONSTERS! YOU'RE HITLERS! YOU'RE RACIST PEDOPHILES! YOU'RE THE OPPOSITES OF BATMAN!
You don't know what that means!
Britta
I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR THROATS AND EAT YOUR-
[Abed shuts and locks the door before Britta can finish her threat]
Still think the lock was overkill?
[imitating Troy] "There's phones in the refridgerator!" [to Troy] It's you.
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