Britta quotes from Community

Britta

Oh my God, you've been hit.

Jeff

What? Oh no! [rubs shirt] Wait, wait. It's blood. [laughs] I thought it was paint, but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck!

Britta

Oh, Shirley, I'm so sorry...

Shirley

I'm going home, Britta...

Britta

I know, Shirley. I know...

Shirley

No, seriously, I'm going home. Can you help me up?

Britta

Oh. Yeah, sure.

Britta

I can't believe that somebody would mass-roofie an entire party.

I can't believe it wasn't me.

Jeff

I can't believe I believe you. And I don't.

Wanna watch a movie?

Abed

Sure. Aliens, cyborgs or zombies?

I don't know why, but I'm kind of over zombies.

Abed

Yeah, I don't feel like anything action-heavy. How about something light?

You seen Marmaduke?

Abed

No. Cool, cool, cool.

And so, Troy and Abed went back to the dormitory for a viewing of Marmaduke. I'm George Takei. And if your name is Kevin, here's a little freebie for your cell phone. Hi, Kevin can't come to the phone. He's on a spaceship with me, George Takei. Please leave a message. You're welcome, Kevins. Happy Halloween.

Annie

[to Abed, about his skill at insulting people] You're really good at it. You're like a machine!

Abed

Like RoboCop?

Britta

Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.

Britta

[looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?

Abed

That's mine.

Britta

And Shirley's and Annie's?

Annie

What is it?

Britta

Charts. Some kind of calendar?

Abed

That's my personal private business.

Britta

[reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next, November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?

Annie

What?! Gross!

Shirley

Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.

Annie

Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.

Abed

I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.

Abed

Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd had to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mmm-mmmm? Okay, sarcasm over.

Britta

[angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag and before you can say 1984, the thought police are forcing you to bend and spread!

Jeff

Bend and spread? Are the thought police going to make love to us?

Britta

[angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag, and then it's a peek-a-rooni at our phone records! And before you can say "1984", the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread!

Jeff

"Bend and spread"? Are the Thought Police going to make love to us?

Do they find thoughts in our butts? I knew I should've read that book!

Annie

It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...

Abed

A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?

Annie

It doesn't matter.

Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?

Abed

Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?

Annie

No.

Is it Black Michael Chiklis?

Annie

No.

Pierce

The white George Foreman?

Britta

You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.

Is it Fat Neil?

Abed

Bluestreak?

Pierce

Optimus Prime?

Annie

Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.

Jeff

Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?

Abed

We should really start learning people's names.

Jeff

I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

Abed

An arrow flies through the air over Brutalitops. Goblins are running toward you from the treeline wielding daggers.

I attack them using my... additional notes.

Abed

It has no effect. Britta?

Britta

I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land, and from their perspective-

You are the AT&T of people.

Annie

[referring to Page, Britta's supposedly lesbian friend] So, like, would you change clothes in front of her?

Britta

Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.

Annie

It's homophobic to ask questions?

Britta

If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?

Annie

Have I?

Britta

Don't know. Not a homophobe.

Annie

[spots Page from a distance] Oh.

Britta

Oh, there's Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? That's a question you can ask.

Annie

We're electing the students' president. I'm gonna run! I have so many ideas for improving this school!

Jeff

Improving Greendale takes more than ideas, Annie. It takes time, gasoline, matches...

Abed

Hmmm, nice. [makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "Classic Wingers"]

Annie

Well, newsflash Jeff, some of us care about more than fixing our hair and sculpting our abs.

Jeff

Wow, you got me pegged. [makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "Ab mentions"]

Britta

Democracy, what a ruse. There's no such thing as a system in which the masses hold any-

Jeff

[interrupting] Everybody wants you to shut up!

Britta

And yet I won't. Case in point.

Britta

He's a war criminal!

In what war is he a criminal? In the battle for our affections?!?

What are you doing?!

Britta

There's rioting in Tunisia!

The Cape is premiering!

Britta

Humanity is premiering, you jags!

Britta

Okay, guys, let's get to Biology on time. I don't want to be a screw up this year.

Jeff

Umm, Britta. [Points to his Biology book while looking at the Chemistry book Britta is holding]

Annie

So we're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.

Jeff

Yeah, we've parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.

Pierce

[Suddenly from behind Jeff] I'm back.

Jeff

We're gonna fly to school each morning,We're gonna smile the entire time.

Britta

We're gonna be more happy,We're gonna finally be fine!

Abed

We're gonna get more calm and normal,

We're gonna fix our state of mind!

Annie

We're gonna be less crazy,

We're gonna finally be fine!

Shirley

We're gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land,Far away from the borderline!

Dean

We're gonna seem like a mainstream dream,

And be appealing to all mankiiiiiind!

We're gonna have more fun and be less weirdThan the first two years combined!And we're gonna live forever!

And we're gonna sleep together!

And we're gonna finallyBe sunny and shinilyWe're gonna finally be fine!