Britta quotes from Community

Hi, Michelle Slater, Ph.D.

Britta

Britta Perry, G.E.D.

Oh, are you a classmate of Jeff's?

Jeff

Well, when you say classmate, it sounds like we take naps together and eat paste.

Britta

I'm really sorry about how things ended.

Yeah, well I'm really sorry I can't accept your apology 'cause you're toxic, Britta. You know what, you're like the exact opposite of an anti-oxidant. Yeah, psh, I got band practice. Lates.

Britta

Can't we still be friends? And isn't the word "later" already short enough?

Jeff

Hey, what are you doing? That was The Jeffersons, honky...

Britta

I was wrong, OK? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier The Jeffersons were than that family on Good Times.

Jeff

Yeah, but they had good times.

Jeff

[after losing his condo] This condo is all that's left of me. Every part of it is a part of who I am.

Britta

Is that a bidet?

Jeff

That part's for resale value... and Saturday afternoons.

Abed

It's really great to have someone to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was kind of raised by TV.

Jeff

TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk, TV never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.

Abed

Cop Rock. Sounds cool.

Jeff

Doesn't it?

Britta

Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?

Jeff

Yeah, in the last two days, I've spent a quarter.

Abed

We're having the time of our lives.

Britta

See, who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?

Jeff

There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.

Britta

You guys weren't in Spanish class.

Jeff

Knight Rider marathon.

Abed

A shadowy flight into the world of a man that does not exist.

I liked you better when you were smoking.

Britta

I'm so sorry.

No, you're right. My feet are long and stupid. You can't unring that bell.

Jeff

How was hypnotherapy?

Britta

He fell down and screamed in pain while I laid there with my eyes closed to make him feel like a good hypnotherapist.

Britta

There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.

Annie

I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time. [They do.]

Jeff

[Not paying attention] In a way, all of you are right... OK, what was I tuning out?

Annie

You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework! You're the one with the silver tongue.

Pierce

Yeah, go tongue Chang.

Shirley

Pierce has got a girlfriend!

Britta

That's great. What's she do?

Pierce

She's an escort.

Shirley

Oh...

Jeff

Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?

Dean

Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever.

Britta

You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?

Dean

Because they keep getting stolen. Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall.

Britta

Problem solved.

Britta

Guys, are we really going to let religion divide us? I think there's one thing we can all agree on.

Abed

I get 72 virgins in heaven.

Britta

...No.

Abed

What are you reading?

Annie

Pride and Prejudice.

Abed

So you're familiar with two sins... how about a third?

Shirley

Ooh! [Everyone leans in closer as Abed pulls out a cigarette case.]

Annie

I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.

Abed

Well, then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you.

Shirley

Abed, what are you doing?!

Abed

Don Draper from Mad Men. What did you think?

Britta

Weird.

Awesome.

Pierce

Put your tongue in her ear.

Annie

I liked it.

Abed

The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.

Britta

So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?

Abed

Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.

Jeff

Abed, you're a god.

Abed

The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.

Britta

So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?

Abed

Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.

Jeff

Abed...you're a god. If you'll all excuse me, I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.

Is that code for going number one or number two?

Britta

Abed, you've inspired me too. People can mock me all they want. I don't care how I say the word "baggle".

Abed

"Baggle."