Troy quotes from Community

Abed

An arrow flies through the air over Brutalitops. Goblins are running toward you from the treeline wielding daggers.

I attack them using my... additional notes.

Abed

It has no effect. Britta?

Britta

I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land, and from their perspective-

You are the AT&T of people.

Abed

Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. [indicating Troy] My associate, Troy Barnes.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books"?

The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.

Abed

It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.

Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?

We need to get something straight first: this is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.

Abed

Give us a moment. [he and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.

Okay, deal.

Abed

Yesss.

[indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?

Oh, tacos. You want one?

No.

Great, we really wanted them.

Abed

Yeah, we're gonna eat them.

Abed

Hey, maybe if we're too loud she'll shush us.

Abed

[loudly] Books!

[to Abed] Pretend like you're asleep.

Britta

He's a war criminal!

In what war is he a criminal? In the battle for our affections?!?

Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that for the good of the group we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?

Jeff

Troy, we never said ourselves.

Okay, now I'm really mad.

What are you doing?!

Britta

There's rioting in Tunisia!

The Cape is premiering!

Britta

Humanity is premiering, you jags!

Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher when you're drinking.

Thank you, Daryl.

Abed

It's Troy.

Hey, if the man wants to give "Daryl" an A, let him do it.

We just took down a professional paintball warrior.

Dean

What? That is absurd! Why would someone who's paid to do things be at Greendale?

Jeff

We're gonna fly to school each morning,We're gonna smile the entire time.

Britta

We're gonna be more happy,We're gonna finally be fine!

Abed

We're gonna get more calm and normal,

We're gonna fix our state of mind!

Annie

We're gonna be less crazy,

We're gonna finally be fine!

Shirley

We're gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land,Far away from the borderline!

Dean

We're gonna seem like a mainstream dream,

And be appealing to all mankiiiiiind!

We're gonna have more fun and be less weirdThan the first two years combined!And we're gonna live forever!

And we're gonna sleep together!

And we're gonna finallyBe sunny and shinilyWe're gonna finally be fine!

Abed

Uhmm...

Britta, why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die?

Britta

They only ran six episodes. That's the great thing about British TV - they give you closure!

Shirley

Ohh!

No, no, no! We'll find you a new favorite show! We'll find you a new favorite show! C'mon, buddy! [to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!

Annie

Well, the real important thing is that there is a Model U.N., it doesn't really matter who starts it. It just means her name goes on some charter and she gets to put it on her resume, and lead the Greendale team to the national Model U.N., and meet Kofi Annan, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and will.i.am.

[Excited] Boutros Boutros-Ghali?!

How is this still happening?

Pierce

I can't remember what regular air smells like.

Annie

Jeff, do something or we're gonna lose!

Jeff

Guys, this is important to Annie. So whoever actually died a few months ago, fess up so we can put a stake through your heart.

Annie

Jeff!

Jeff

Annie, I think the real lesson here is that a model U.N., much like the real U.N., quickly falls apart when faced with actual-

Annie

NOOOOOOO! I think the lesson here is that I need to win this! I want to win! And you! You suck! You're a stupid, ugly poopface, and I'm better than you!

Jeff

Annie, stop! You're acting like a little schoolgirl, and not in a hot way!

Jeff

Okay. Uh, that made me sound creepy... but-but here's the thing. [runs away]

Jeff

Oh, look, Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual viginity.

Haha! Chop busted, fellow adult. Chop busted.

Britta

You've got a bowl of olives next to the toilet?

It's a fancy party, Britta.

Abed

I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

Britta

Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!

Abed

Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective, and Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.

Shirley

Abed!

Abed

There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

Annie

Jeff! You crafty jackrabbit!

Really? Dang, man!

Pierce

Pretty low, dude. It's called "friendship"; look it up. Encarta it!

I think we just found our pizza getter.

Jeff

What's so funny?

Annie

Karma!

That guy sucks harder than the toilet of an airplane bathroom.

Pierce

Airplane bathroom...

Shirley

Oh, my pies!

Britta

[singing] Roxanne!

[singing] You don't have to put on that red light!

Annie

[to Abed] I really love your place!

Abed

You should move here.

Jeff

You see what happens when I leave you guys alone?