[in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]
Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?
[Britta gasps]
Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over, and one thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.
Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!
TTroy
[speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.
Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!
Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.
All because Jeff rolled a one.
Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.
It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]
Of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest; which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves, and reclaim our proper lives.
EJEvil Jeff
[visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?
EJEvil Jeff
I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!
[Evil Jeff storms out of the study room followed by Evil Britta and Evil Shirley]
[Evil Troy puts on his felt goatee, Evil Abed looks at him approvingly]
ETEvil Troy and Evil Abed
[singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!
Wow. They found a way to make the Human Being even creepier - covering him in icicles.
Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the Hellraiser.
Guys, I found something we can watch together for Christmas this year. The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special. Run time two and half hours, and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator had his knighthood revoked.
TTroy
That sounds terrible. I want to watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives. Or rather, I'm spending the day with my relatives while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.
You Jehovah's Witnesses - so severe. Andre and I will be spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.
I wouldn't call an unannounced visit from your pastor "a gift." And don't bother this year, I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.
TTroy
You're not taking both of them?
I was looking forward to hanging out with you guys this Christmas. This semester has been so long and dark and angry. I was thinking we could have some light-hearted fun as a family.
I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.
Oh, I don't know if I agree with that.
GGGreendale Glee Club
[singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
GGGreendale Glee Club
[singing] Tis the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
ROCK ON!
GGGreendale Glee Club Boy 1
Merry Christmas, Greendale! Glee Club here, reminding you that our Christmas pageant is coming! Next stop, regionals!
What the hell are regionals? They never stop talking about it.
GGGreendale Glee Club
[singing] Deck~
I said deck~
TTroy
Please tell me we were not this obnoxious the year we filled in for them.
T-minus 5 seconds until the hip-hop remix. 4, 3…
GGGreendale Glee Club
[rapping] Come on!
Re-re-re-remix!
Re-re-re-remix!
Fa-la-la-la-la, F-A-L-A
Come on!
You’re awfully quiet, Jeff. No one hates glee club more than you do.
Today, I’m just content to sit back and enjoy the show.
GCGlee Club Girl -
And now, our pop music mashup…
GCGlee Club Girl 2
…Elton Little John Lennon!
GCGlee Club Girls
Hit it!
GCGlee Club Boy 1
[rapping] Hey, tiny dancer!
GCGlee Club Boy 2
[rapping] OKAY-!
Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting musical copyright since 1914. It appears they have received an anonymous tip that unlicensed material has been performed here without the artist’s permission. Merry Christmas, everyone. Glee club just became history club.
Holy crap! Britta, you're really good at this!
This may shock you, Annie, but I come from a long line of wives and mothers.
But I ran away from it my whole life. I refused to give Santa a Christmas list, because I didn't want to depend on any man for anything! And now, look at me! I'm Betty Crocker! I'm Martha Stewart! I'm one of the Steppenwolf wives! Ohh, God... [to Abed] I'm gonna make some man very happy someday...
TTroy
We de-whimsified ourselves.
AAndre
Hey, anyone seen Shirley?
What? Shirley late to the rehearsal? Oh my.
AAndre
Hey, man. You don't have to be sarcastic.
TTroy
We're heavily invested in your situation. Nothing's more important to us than your second wedding's rehearsal going smoothly.
AAndre
...Walk away, man.
[Troy and Abed do just that and walk away from Andre]
[to Jeff] Hey! Did you think of a toast?
Well, yeah. Uh, I had a drink, and I looked into my heart, and here's what I got so far. "Webster's Dictionary defines"-
Stop, stop! "Webster's Dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings! It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why!
Yeah, well, it's all I got! That took me eight hours and sixteen Macallan neatses! Look, I'm sorry, I just don't believe in marriage.
You two are bad friends! Bad!
TTroy
That's unfair! What about you guys? You don't like our movie, we can't say the word "Blade", there's phones in the refridgerator - oops!
[Britta runs off to the kitchen; Troy and Annie grab her and drag her to Annie's bedroom]
LET ME SEE IF HE CALLED! I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW! YOU'RE MONSTERS! YOU'RE HITLERS! YOU'RE RACIST PEDOPHILES! YOU'RE THE OPPOSITES OF BATMAN!
TTroy
You don't know what that means!
I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR THROATS AND EAT YOUR-
[Abed shuts and locks the door before Britta can finish her threat]
Still think the lock was overkill?
[imitating Troy] "There's phones in the refridgerator!" [to Troy] It's you.
TTroy
She was born in the 80's - she still uses her phone as a phone!
That's fine; it's fine! We just won't answer it.
Won't it go to your voicemail?
[Annie answers Britta’s call]
[Annie makes a weird noise, then hangs up]
TTroy
There is another way in. If I enroll in the AC school, they'll help us. We could walk in and out. It'll mean I'll have to move out and into a.c. school housing, and I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word sensational for some reason.
Troy, we are not losing you to save the dean, or Greendale, or anything, ever.
Don't be so dramatic, Troy. The answer is simple. We just have to plan an elaborate heist.
Great, I'll get my turban.
Everyone except Pierce has to plan an elaborate heist.
There are so many clouds; it's so dark!
TTroy
I can't even see the Landing Strip, or any of the other nudie bars!
We must be miles above the ground!
That's international airspace. We're literally above the law! Jeff can marry any man he wants.
Wait a second guys, I think we're starting to go down.
[to Britta] You see, prayer works.
So does gravity, Shirley.
And you know who invented gravity, right?
I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid. [starts singing]
I said it didn't bother me,
But truthfully it did
I promised him I'd make it
To a baseball game he had
But I bailed and never called again,
And now I'm just exactly like my dad
That's always been my choice
Truth is, I never voted,
Except when I watch The Voice
I was struggling in history,
I'm normally the best
I let Cornwallis rub my feet
To give me all the answers to a test
TTroy
I caused the Greendale fire of '03
Fifty-five acres went up in a blaze,
All because I burned an ant hill
All together: This secret inside me,
Was trapped beyond a doubt
And now, my most terrible secret is out
I never slept with the great Eartha Kitt
We dry humped inside of her tour bus
ATAll together
This secret inside me,
Was trapped beyond a doubt
And now, my most terrible secret is out
Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.
You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.
Well, I do, and I think the others will too.
[knocks on the door and comes in] Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.
Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?
Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.
[Troy and Britta come in]
TTroy
Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.
I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.
There is a real problem with resistance in this group.
Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.
TTroy
Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.
[both grab the Freaky Friday cover]
ATAbed & Troy
I wish I could switch places with you for just one day!
[both start to go in circles and make weird sounds while the lighting starts to switch on and off, and then they fall over dramatically]
JJerry
[appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.
TTroy
I thought that would work.
Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.
Community · 389 quotes
